The Itty Bitty Titty Charity

© Alfredofalcone | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

© Alfredofalcone | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

Men are such boobs.

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised to hear about the latest “charitable” Internet scheme, where “philanthropically-inclined” guys go online to support women in their quests for fake breasts. That’s right, I’m talking about MyFreeImplants.com, the testosterone- and alcohol-fueled brainCHILD of Jay Moore and Jason Grunstra, a Bay Area entrepreneurial duo who first came up with the idea during–what else?–a bachelor party in–where else?–Las Vegas.

Of course, I visited the site as soon as I got to my computer–my cups runneth over with comedic possibilities. According to the founders, during the bachelor party a conversation started up about “how one of the ladies had the most perfect set of breasts.” It was probably right between discussions of Darfur and the Democratic primary.

Anyway, the perfect-breasted woman told them how she had recently gotten implants, and “her beautiful friend (Natasha, who became the first woman to get implants from the site, and is now the company’s official spokesmodel) chimed in and mentioned that she wanted to get hers done but could not yet afford the $6,000 price tag that her friend had just paid. One of us yelled out ‘I got $5 on it’ and then someone else offered $10, and then $20, and then $50. By the time we got around the suite there was a verbal commitment amongst all the guys in the room to pay for 25% of her implants!”

Just think, if Natasha hadn’t been beautiful, that light bulb would probably never have ignited and the more than 20 other women that have been “helped” by this site since it’s 2005 debut would still be flat chested and unfulfilled in their life’s ambitions. Bless you, Natasha.

When the site refers to its suckers, I mean donors, as “benefactors,” somehow I’m thinking this endeavor is not the gateway to inspire a new generation of young men to join the Peace Corp. or volunteer at the Red Cross. But you never know. People who are really involved in charity work always say that helping others is addictive. I’m that when there’s a hops crisis, these are the guys who will be there for “Beer Aid.”

Maybe my mind is in the gutter, and the site’s plea to, “Help the girl of YOUR dreams, get the body of her dreams. Develop a connection with a girl of your choice and help her earn Free Breast Implants!” is just a charitable appeal, pure and simple. ‘Cause it doesn’t feel like porn at all.

MyFreeImplants.com offers “benefactors” the opportunity to “interact with real girls, receive custom photos, send ladies donations, receive custom videos, and chat with girls online.” Bizarrely, this is the same bosom buddy interaction that Sally Struthers’ Christian Children’s Fund offers in exchange for your support of orphans in Africa.

The site’s banner ads feature a bikini-clad cartoon female, on her hands and knees as a hand drops coins into her back and her breasts grow, above the headline: “Create the Perfect Girl at MyFreeImplants.com!” Classy. If nothing else, it proves the one and only proven theory about the Internet–where there are breasts, there’s an audience.

Sadly, increasing the size of one’s breasts does nothing to the intelligence of the person they’re attached to–but it can affect the brainpower of the person staring at them.

This is why I’m starting a website with nothing but boobs on it, called FreeMoney4Leslie.com.

So are these guys philanthropists, marketing geniuses, or just a bunch of boobs? They do offer this disclaimer: “While we at MyFreeImplants do not believe that physical beauty is all there is to a person, we do firmly believe that those with confidence in themselves and their appearance are more likely to be happy and content in their everyday lives. Please, let us help you to become all that you are capable of. Change your life for the better, one step at a time.”

Maybe I’m the boob, for giving these guys even more publicity. Then again, it is my job to keep you abreast of this sort of thing. Bad Leslie! If only there was a FreeMyPuns.com.

Send your thoughts on the online knife life to email. For more of Leslie’s columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com.
Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on October 12, 2007.