Tag Archives: South Coasting

The Itty Bitty Titty Charity

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© Alfredofalcone | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

Men are such boobs.

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised to hear about the latest “charitable” Internet scheme, where “philanthropically-inclined” guys go online to support women in their quests for fake breasts. That’s right, I’m talking about MyFreeImplants.com, the testosterone- and alcohol-fueled brainCHILD of Jay Moore and Jason Grunstra, a Bay Area entrepreneurial duo who first came up with the idea during–what else?–a bachelor party in–where else?–Las Vegas.

Of course, I visited the site as soon as I got to my computer–my cups runneth over with comedic possibilities. According to the founders, during the bachelor party a conversation started up about “how one of the ladies had the most perfect set of breasts.” It was probably right between discussions of Darfur and the Democratic primary.

Anyway, the perfect-breasted woman told them how she had recently gotten implants, and “her beautiful friend (Natasha, who became the first woman to get implants from the site, and is now the company’s official spokesmodel) chimed in and mentioned that she wanted to get hers done but could not yet afford the $6,000 price tag that her friend had just paid. One of us yelled out ‘I got $5 on it’ and then someone else offered $10, and then $20, and then $50. By the time we got around the suite there was a verbal commitment amongst all the guys in the room to pay for 25% of her implants!”

Just think, if Natasha hadn’t been beautiful, that light bulb would probably never have ignited and the more than 20 other women that have been “helped” by this site since it’s 2005 debut would still be flat chested and unfulfilled in their life’s ambitions. Bless you, Natasha.

When the site refers to its suckers, I mean donors, as “benefactors,” somehow I’m thinking this endeavor is not the gateway to inspire a new generation of young men to join the Peace Corp. or volunteer at the Red Cross. But you never know. People who are really involved in charity work always say that helping others is addictive. I’m that when there’s a hops crisis, these are the guys who will be there for “Beer Aid.”

Maybe my mind is in the gutter, and the site’s plea to, “Help the girl of YOUR dreams, get the body of her dreams. Develop a connection with a girl of your choice and help her earn Free Breast Implants!” is just a charitable appeal, pure and simple. ‘Cause it doesn’t feel like porn at all.

MyFreeImplants.com offers “benefactors” the opportunity to “interact with real girls, receive custom photos, send ladies donations, receive custom videos, and chat with girls online.” Bizarrely, this is the same bosom buddy interaction that Sally Struthers’ Christian Children’s Fund offers in exchange for your support of orphans in Africa.

The site’s banner ads feature a bikini-clad cartoon female, on her hands and knees as a hand drops coins into her back and her breasts grow, above the headline: “Create the Perfect Girl at MyFreeImplants.com!” Classy. If nothing else, it proves the one and only proven theory about the Internet–where there are breasts, there’s an audience.

Sadly, increasing the size of one’s breasts does nothing to the intelligence of the person they’re attached to–but it can affect the brainpower of the person staring at them.

This is why I’m starting a website with nothing but boobs on it, called FreeMoney4Leslie.com.

So are these guys philanthropists, marketing geniuses, or just a bunch of boobs? They do offer this disclaimer: “While we at MyFreeImplants do not believe that physical beauty is all there is to a person, we do firmly believe that those with confidence in themselves and their appearance are more likely to be happy and content in their everyday lives. Please, let us help you to become all that you are capable of. Change your life for the better, one step at a time.”

Maybe I’m the boob, for giving these guys even more publicity. Then again, it is my job to keep you abreast of this sort of thing. Bad Leslie! If only there was a FreeMyPuns.com.

Send your thoughts on the online knife life to email. For more of Leslie’s columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com.
Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on October 12, 2007.

Sometimes I feel like bologna on wry

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© Jkstudio@aol.com | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

I had one of those “aha” moments the other day when I found mold in a piece of frozen bread. Isn’t that why we freeze bread in the first place? To keep those gross green spores from invading our otherwise pristine baked goods?

It’s a metaphor, I realized. My life is sandwiched between the beginning and the end. I’m somewhere between that fresh, hot-out-of-the-oven, mouth-watering, buttery baguette, and a dried-up end of old pumpernickel that you’ve been saving in the back of the freezer for a science experiment. And the mold is … ignore the mold. It doesn’t work in my metaphor, but it was gross and I thought I’d share.

How did this happen? It seems just a minute ago that I was in the middle of elementary school, and now my son is there. Wasn’t it just yesterday that my mom was the one running errands for her parents and schlepping the kids around town? Why am I driving carpool? Where are all the adults? Shouldn’t there be a grownup here to pass my overflowing plate of stresses and responsibilities along to?

I read a study recently that says the average person will spend 17 years taking care of a child and 18 years taking care of a parent. But my parents have been taking care of me for 44 years now and I’ve been “helping out” with them for, well, I’m planning to start next week. Which means they’ve got to live a good long time if we’re ever going to even things up statistically.

Again, I’m the grown-up? When did I make the switch from having mom to cut the crusts off my bread to being the one making sure we had peanut butter in the cabinet and cheese in the fridge?

And when did my membership shift from Generation X (by marriage–it counts) to the Sandwich Generation? Did I miss a meeting? I’m definitely missing some brain cells. The other day, I was driving away in my car when it dawned on me that my 8-year-old son was still sitting in our living room, home alone, since my husband had gone out to pick up his mother.

I know–from friends I’d like to keep, who shall therefore remain nameless–that this kind of “whoops, I forgot Johnny” incident happens to people with lots of kids all the time. But, let’s face it, they have extra children, so leaving one of them behind by accident is only a minor disaster.

As an only child, Koss is our not just our only contribution to the future of the planet, he’s also our great white hope for the future (a.k.a. our retirement plan), so if something were to happen to him, well, let’s just say that wouldn’t be chopped liver.

Although I think he’s caviar, or whatever that really rare and precious Japanese fish is that people pay millions of dollars for–he’s an open-faced sandwich, with no siblings to keep the ingredients together. When eventually it’s his turn to juggle that massive Dagwood sandwich made up of his kids on one side, us (his parents) on the other and him jammed in the middle, he’ll have no one to help him.

This does not bode well for me, ’cause he’s already killed a fish and lost a dog.

Another “aha” moment: We may have to adopt a nurse someday.

If life is a sandwich, which kind are you? Tell us at email. For more of Leslie’s columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com.
Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on October 5, 2007.

Lionesses of Winter

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They Take Pride in Giving Back

It takes passion, money and a lot of hard work for Santa Barbara’s most treasured nonprofit organizations to thrive. This community tradition of giving back by supporting education, caring for those in need, and sharing a love for nature and the arts has an incredibly generous cast of leading ladies at its helm. Not content to simply be the torchbearers, they are also keeping an eye toward the next generation of the philanthropic community.

“I’m trying to spread the circle,” says Shirley Ann Hurley. “I’ve brought young women into my life who care passionately about these sorts of things that I do and they stimulate me and …I love the excitement that is getting to know all of these wonderful people.”

Let’s meet a few of the women who help keep the community alive and well.

The Leading Ladies

Betty Hatch

La Belle Foundation, Granada Theatre, Girl Scouts, Girls Inc., Hospice, CAMA, Cottage Hospital, Council on Drug and Alcohol Abuse, the Arts Fund, Santa Barbara Zoo, Santa Barbara Art Association, Santa Barbara Museum of Art, Foodbank of Santa Barbara County, Santa Barbara Ballet

“My life has been dedicated to the teaching of self-esteem,” says Hatch, founder of La Belle Modeling Agency (1963-1991), and now executive director of the La Belle Foundation, which offers young women free training in self-esteem, self-development and personal and social responsibility.”

“Giving to the community is just a pleasure; it’s a demonstration of our gratitude and our love for everybody here.”

Shirley Ann Hurley
Santa Barbara Scholarship Foundation, Family Service Agency, Santa Barbara Public Education Foundation, CALM, Anti-Defamation League, Santa Barbara Foundation

“The things I’ve wanted to spend my time on are the things that help children and young people become the best that they can be, which means to live up to their full potential … The organization that I have probably put the most years into and time is the Family Service Agency. The concept that we could intervene early in a child’s life and with that child’s family and help them raise a more secure child was what hooked me.”

“People keep saying what do you do for fun. I said everything. All of this is fun. And it is. It’s work, but it’s fun. There’s nothing I like better than working with a group of deeply caring people. It is so exciting. And the fact that you know that together you can make a difference in somebody’s lives and your community is just such a reward.”

Gerd Jordano
Cottage Hospital Building Campaign, Westmont College Foundation, CALM

“Board members are ambassadors for those organizations. They are sort of cheerleaders and are able to sort of talk and share what that organization is and what it’s all about. It’s really an opportunity to educate people about that organization and that gives me great joy to share my passion and my knowledge about that particular organization.”

“I’m a former cheerleader so I continue that same passion, only I’m just not jumping up and down anymore (laughs). But I do get very passionate about what I get involved with and it just brings me a lot of joy.”

Carol Palladini
Santa Barbara Women’s Fund

“The concept of the Santa Barbara Women’s Fund (which will have given away more than $1 million by the end of the year) is making your time and money most effectively used by a lot of women writing checks and putting them together and doing direct fundraising, so that you’re not spending a lot of money to make money… Our umbrella is giving in support of the greater Santa Barbara area; it has to be local, to benefit unmet needs for women, children and families.”

“A lot of the work that I’ve done in the past, on and off boards, has some Heartache mixed in with the joy of it. This has been a pleasure from the beginning.”

Joanne Rapp
Santa Barbara Foundation, Santa Barbara Scholarship Foundation, CALM, Cottage Hospital, Botanic Gardens, Laguna Cottages, Montecito Community Foundation

“I have enjoyed working with organizations that are targeted at helping youth with their educational goals, in particular the Scholarship Foundation and the Santa Barbara Foundation student loan program. Everything that you work on and within the nonprofit community enhances the quality of life and the effectiveness of our community, but helping the students transfers anywhere. … It will strengthen the fabric of whatever community that they land in.”

The Next Generation

Tiffany Foster
Storyteller, Crane Country Day School, Howard School, All Saints by the Sea Parish School, Lotusland, Lobero Theatre, Santa Barbara Museum of Art SMART Families

“When I arrived in Santa Barbara four years ago … it seemed that every fabulous, intelligent person I met was volunteering for either Storyteller or Lotusland. Before I knew it I was in the center of a vibrant group of caring women and men who dedicated their energy, financial resources, and business acumen to help make a difference in our local community.”

“Storyteller Children’s Center provides daycare and preschool to homeless toddlers in Santa Barbara as well as support services for their families. Young children deserve security, safety and a stable environment. … It is difficult to find a more worthy cause.”

Kisa Heyer
Lotusland, Santa Barbara Museum of Art SMART Families, Crane Country Day School, Storyteller, Lobero Theatre, Sarah House, Santa Barbara Museum of Natural History, CAMA

“Even after being involved with Lotusland for so long, I’m still amazed by it–not only with its collections, design, architecture, and programs–but also with the story behind the garden. Madame Ganna Walska’s wonderland is such a benefit to our community. It’s magical to see joy that children (all 4th graders visit) and adults express after visiting the garden, and no surprise, really, that we are becoming world-renowned as a one-of-a-kind experience.”

Jill Levinson
Lotusland, Visiting Nurse and Hospice Care of SB, Storyteller, New Beginnings Counseling Center, Lobero Theatre, All Saints by the Sea Parish School, Santa Barbara Museum of Art SMART Families.

“I think everyone has a need for hospice care for themselves or their loved ones at some point in their life. I just feel like it’s very important to support these organizations because they’re necessary. If they disappeared that would be a travesty for our community. Our community is so fortunate to have so much to offer everyone. I think that’s part of what’s really special about Santa Barbara, it tries to take care of people.”

Laura Shelburne
Storyteller, Crane Country Day School, the Santa Barbara Museum of Art, Stanford University, Lotusland, Santa Barbara Museum of Natural History.

“Winston Churchill once said, ‘We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.’ I spent a number of years practicing corporate law, working around the clock during the Silicon Valley boom, and I always regretted that I didn’t have enough time to do worthwhile pro bono work. While I was one of those oxymoronic happy lawyers, I have to say that now it is wonderful to be able to choose my own “clients” based on causes I believe in and use my skills and experience to help non-profits. I also feel strongly that I should set an example for my children by doing things for others and for institutions that will outlast us and continue to benefit future generations.

Lisa Wolf
Santa Barbara Ballet, CAMA, Storyteller, Lotusland, Santa Barbara Zoo, Lobero Theatre, Santa Barbara Museum of Art SMART Families, French Heritage Society, Laguna Blanca

“We started a group at the art museum because we had a feeling that the art museum was reaching out really effectively to kids in town, elementary school students and underprivileged kids and it was also a great resource for very very serious art collectors, but there was nothing in the middle. … So we created this group called SMART families (and it’s Santa Barbara Museum of Art, not that we think we’re especially bright) but a really wonderful group.”

“When you know that you’ve helped make it possible for somebody to attend a program or for somebody to be exposed to opera or some great cultural moment, or to just alleviate human suffering, it’s a great privilege to be able to do it.”

Originally published in Santa Barbara Magazine, 2007

Elephant Walk

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© Urosr | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

My first introduction to my future in-laws came via a giant UPS package full of t-shirts and fake poop.

They were living on a boat in Maryland at the time and weren’t able to make it home to Santa Barbara for Christmas. But believe me, they were there in spirit and found a way to make their presence felt.

“Ooh, a gift for me,” I exclaimed, as I opened the package to reveal a t-shirt with a ginormous elephant head on the front, and an even larger elephant bottom on the back. Hmmm. Were they trying to tell me I needed to develop a thicker skin to be a part of their family?

They’d never met me before, so maybe they hadn’t been given an accurate scouting report about my um, fashion sensibilities. Or maybe it was supposed to symbolize something. Aren’t elephants considered lucky in some cultures? Could be. But still, an elephant t-shirt? I know that shopping opportunities are limited when you live on the high seas, but what about a nice abalone shell?

As I catalogued the possible meanings of the gift, I noticed something odd: everyone in my boyfriend’s family got the same t-shirt. Huh.

“This is so dad,” mused Big Brother Bruce.

“Here are the instructions,” said Big Sister Julie, as we herded around to listen. I have since learned that elephants live in a very structured social order. “Number one: Put on t-shirts.” I giggled nervously as I watched every single other person in the room put on their ridiculous shirt without a moment’s hesitation.

Was there an elephant in the room that was forcing them to do this? Their parents were miles away. Why were they all following instructions?

“C’mon, Leslie, you’re one of us now,” urged Little Sister Holly. The social circle of the female elephant does not end with the small family unit. She may as well have been telling me to drink the Kool-Aid.

I have since learned that the female elephant’s life also involves interaction with other families, clans, and subpopulations, such as potential sister-in-laws. I gritted my teeth and put the t-shirt on over the cute new outfit I had spent days agonizing over and would eventually spend half a paycheck paying for.

“Number two,” read Julie. “Take the unopened package labeled ‘open at La Cumbre Plaza‘ to mall.” I watched in astonishment as people began gathering purses, sweaters and car keys.

My protest, “but I haven’t finished my wine,” was met by a flash of a flask from Brother-in-law Eric. “Don’t worry, we’ve got it covered,” he reassured me.

Minutes later we were at the mall, as instructed, opening the mystery package. It contained a disposable camera and what I first thought were a bunch of coconuts. Wouldn’t that have been nice? Expensive to ship, but in the range of normal.

No such luck. They turned out to be brown plastic elephant droppings, inscribed with each of our names.

I’ve heard about stock being used as a dowry, or even livestock, but my future in-laws had sent me plastic poop. That couldn’t be a good sign.

“Find someone to take your picture,” read Julie. This wasn’t an easy task, since people aren’t exactly swarming the mall on Christmas Day. All the stores are closed. We managed to flag down a disheveled looking woman who was pounding and screaming at the window of Pottery Barn in an attempt to buy one last perfect sandalwood candle.

I felt like screaming myself. Why couldn’t they have given me a nice candle for Christmas? Or even a book of matches. My reverie was interrupted by Julie’s reading of the order for us to gather in a straight line.

Now I know that elephants communicate over long distances by producing and receiving low-frequency sound, which can travel through the ground farther than sound travels through the air, but the idea that my future father-in-law was choreographing this scene all the way from Maryland still stuns me.

Apparently the long distance sound waves can be felt by the sensitive skin of an elephant’s feet and trunk, which pick up the resonant vibrations. No wonder I felt like pounding my head and stomping my feet. Even the crazy Pottery Barn lady thought we were nuts when Julie read the final instruction to “line up in order of age. Then, one-two-three drop your poops.”

The camera clicked as, one by one, we dropped poop. I’ve never felt so ridiculous in my life. I’ve also never laughed so hard.

In a very, very, very odd way, I knew I had just passed through some sort of strange family initiation.

Ah, the foibles of families. I knew them well. Female elephants spend their entire lives in tightly knit family groups, which my own tribe had prepared me well for.

But male elephants are different. As they get older, they begin to spend more time at the edge of the herd, gradually going off on their own for hours or days at a time. Eventually, days become weeks, and finally the mature male elephant sets out from his natal group for good, as my father-in-law did when he passed away this week.

But I know he’s still with us in many, many ways. We’re elephants, and elephants never forget.

Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on September 28, 2007.

Bleeping Sally Field

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Sally-Field-You-Like-Me-238x238What is it with Sally Field and award show speeches?

Her dorky “you like me, you really like me” gushing from the Academy Awards Show 22 years ago, still ranks as one of the all-time-most-memorable Oscar speeches.

And at Sunday night’s Emmys, she did it again.

OK, so she could have used a better script. And sure, she got flustered, lost her place, and babbled her lines. But somehow Sally Field still managed to deliver the best momologue I’ve heard at an awards show since, well, her Best Actress win back in 1987.

Bleep the delivery, thanks to the Bleeping Fox network, her censored sentiment–“if the mothers ruled the world, there would be no g–damn wars in the first place”–certainly got my attention. There are surely more articulate ways to speak out against the Bleeping war or praise the nonviolent instincts of women, but that’s beside the point.

Thanks to the Bleeping Bleeps at Fox, Gidget–whom a number of web surfers apparently thought rode her way into the sunset 20 years ago–cowabunga-ed her way into a gigantic wave of media attention.

Instead of being just another Hollywood headliner, seizing her 15 forgettable seconds on the soap box, the Flying Nun’s momologue actually inspired some dialogue and debate about war, God, freedom of speech and censorship.

Who knew that a silly Bleeping awards show could end up being so thought provoking?

I have no problem–obviously–with someone using their minute in the spotlight to voice their own personal views.

Most people blow it. Either they thank a bunch of people that work for them and forget to thank their nearest and dearest, or they thank the Almighty and forget to thank the director who made them look so much better than they actually were.

At least Sally Field tried to do something constructive with her few moments in the spotlight.

Not surprisingly, some people had a field day mocking the idea that putting a woman in charge might actually lead to more peaceful solutions, using examples like Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, and Margaret Thatcher as mothers who went to war.

I think that’s a load of Bleep.

Nothing makes you value human life more than giving birth to a 15-pound baby with a 21-inch-wide head–unless of course you do it without an epidural, in which case you’d happily start bombing Canada just to distract yourself.

In 1870, long before Hallmark even existed, Julia Ward Howe dreamed up Mother’s Day, intending it to be a Mother’s Day for Peace. After nursing the wounded during the American Civil War, she gave a Bleep of a momologue, declaring:

“Arise all women who have hearts, say firmly: Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience. We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. In the name of womanhood and of humanity; take counsel with each other as the means whereby the great human family can live in peace.”

Peace is as patriotic as mom’s apple pie. And so is talking about whatever the Bleep you want to on award shows or anywhere else.

So here’s to bleeping Sally Field. I, for one, really do like her.

Tell us what you think about Sally’s speech, or Leslie’s column for that matter, by emailing email.

Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on September 21, 2007.

Yo ho yo ho a pirate’s life for me!

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© Nejron | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

Ahoy mates. As we sail out onto the high seas of life, we take our pleasures where we may. I, for one, ‘ave been shivering me timbers for months in anticipation of my favorite holiday. That’s right, next Wednesday, September 19, is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Rather than yield this blarney beauty to the Wednesday columnists, I decided to polish my pirate patina now, so I’d be extra, extra prepared to talk like a pirate next week.

6 Bells: My scallywag of an alarm goes off. Time for me dilemma of the morn, do I hit t’ snooze button or hit t’ gym? T’ hook I attached t’ me port arm while gettin’ into character last night accidentally taps t’ snooze. Aye! Problem solved.

7 Bells: Five snoozes later I finally roll out o’ bed and try on a few outfits. “That’s some pirate booty all right,” says me mate, so I discard a tight pair of britches and go for the serving wench look instead. “How’d you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?” greets me this time. I’d better try again.

7-1/2 Bells: Wake up lad fer school. He’s not exactly a Jolly Morning Roger. I use me powers o’ persuasion t’ convince th’ lad’s that he wants cereal instead o’ French Fries fer breakfast.

8 Bells: Drive me lad t’ school, a wee red convertible comes ou’ o’ nowhere t’ steal me favorite parkin’ spot at Vieja Valley. Arrrr! (Note t’ self: does it sound more pirate-like to say “Arrr,” “Aurgh,” or “Arrrrrrrrrrrgg…?” I wish I could text Peter Skarsgaard an’ ask th’ lad’s advice on how not to get hornswaggled.)

9 Bells: Interview the director o’ a local nonprofit. She doesn’t even crack a smile when I ask her if I can have a peek in her treasure chest. Aurgh!

12 Bells: Job well done. I complete t’ interviews for three stories, and find someone to scrape the barnacles off me rudder. I decide t’ take a break and check me email. Avast! I’m transfixed by t’ shear number o’ emails from t’ PTA. It’s enough t’ make me want t’ hit th’ grog, but I settle fer another cup o’ coffee.

1 Bells p.m.: A glance at me calendar reminds me that t’ lad has a bucko comin’ over after school. I smartly make t’ beds and do t’ breakfast dishes, though I know th’ sprogs will destroy everythin’ in sight within minutes.

1-1/2 Bells p.m.: Me stomach’s growlin’ with hunger, but that scallywag son of a biscuit eater o’ a husband o’ mine forgot t’ put grub on t’ shoppin’ list, so I’m forced t’ go out. T’ owner o’ a local Chinese Restaurant says they don’t serve pirates, so I’m forced t’ eat a burrito. Arrrrrrrgg!

2 Bells p.m.: I pick up me son and his bucko at school and get sweet-talked into takin’ them for ice cream. Beware t’ evils o’ chocolate chips, I warn. They listen t’ t’ wise old pirate lady and order cookie dough instead.

3 Bells p.m.: The wee bilge rats are so wired from the sugar rush that they destroy my garden. Arrr. I’d like to make them walk the plank, but instead I give the wee scallywags a timeout in the bung hole.

4 Bells p.m.: I’ve got one hour t’ write me story, return 17 phone calls an’ read 57 emails. Th’ phone rings an’ its me husband remindin’ me about soccer practice. I’ve got a school board meetin’ tonight, I tell th’ ever-lovin’ landlubber. If ye don’t want t’ be bunkin’ in Davy Jones locker, ye old sea dog, ye better pick up some grub fer dinner on yer way homeport from work.

6 Bells p.m.: Shiver me timbers, will you look at that thar beauty! I exclaim as me swashbuckling hero comes with a big bottle of rum and me favorite dishes, Salt Cod and Rice (heavy on the salt cod), Rice and Salt Cod (light on the rice), and Salt Cod Medley (salt cod combined with chunks of salt cod). That’s my buccaneer. It’s a pirate’s life for me indeed. Argh!

When she’s not talking like a pirate or walking like an Egyptian, Leslie can be reached at email For more columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com.
Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on September 14, 2007.

Back to school blues

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© Silviaantunes | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

Slamming the snooze button delays the dreaded alarm clock bell from ringing for three heavenly minutes, then it’s back to reality. Recess is over and it’s time for school to start again.

I know a lot of parents are jumping for joy that summer is over and they can finally escape from their kids–I guarantee you the toasts will be flying at Starbuck’s come Monday morning–but I’m not quite ready to escape from my son. We had such a nice, laid back summer; I’m not ready for it to end.

Maybe after Labor Day. Isn’t that the official end of summer?

It seems ridiculous to be going back to school when the waves have been so perfect and I’ve finally mastered the fine art of carting towels, beach chairs, boogie boards, skim boards, sand toys, sunscreen, hats, clothing changes, reading material, snacks and small children from the parking lot to the beach in a single trip.

What kind of diabolical-powers-that-be traded my summer for extra weeks off at Christmas and Easter? I’m not one to point fingers and call them anti-Semitic, but that is not a fair trade, let me tell you.

I’m not ready to start worrying about bedtime and balanced meals again. I hate the sound of that evil alarm clock in the morning almost as much as I hate going to bed before 1 a.m. so that I won’t have to hear that frigging evil alarm clock.

And you know what I’m really not looking forward to? Homework. I hear third grade’s a lot harder than second, and that they really pile on the homework. And you have to use cursive writing. I’m really worried about that. My son suffers from something called “dysgraphia,” otherwise known as “bad handwriting,” which teachers really hate.

I’m also worried because Koss has another disorder called “wiggle wormitis“–he has a hard time sitting still. It’s pretty common in little boys. In fact, Koss’s teacher last year (who was maybe 12) had been diagnosed with “wiggle wormitis” too, so he was very understanding and let him stand up and wiggle while he read or wrote or drew or whatever he needed to do. Do they let you wiggle in third grade? I’m not so sure.

I’m a little bit worried about those third grade teachers. I hear they can be kind of intimidating. What if they don’t like us? What if we don’t get any of our friends in our class? What if they make us sit still and write in cursive? What if all the other kids make fun of me for being 43 in third grade?

PTA is worrying me too. I didn’t hear anything from them all summer, and then all of a sudden, this week, there were 347 emails and 52 phone calls related to PTA. Oops, make that 53 phone calls. Thank goodness for voicemail. How will I get any actual work done with so much volunteering to do?

Plus there are all those healthy lunches I need to find time to prepare. And the holiday gifts I want to get started on. And of course I’ve got to increase my workouts at the gym, but at the same time I’d really like to get started on that novel I keep wanting to have written. No wonder I’m so stressed. How am I ever going to get everything done?

Koss actually seems excited for school to start. Something about friends, yadda yadda. But what about me? Doesn’t he realize the pressure it’s putting on me?

Sigh. I still have time. It is still August, after all. No matter what the school says, MY summer doesn’t officially end till next month.

When Leslie’s not stressing about school, she can be found soaking up those last rays of summer at the beach, with her trusty laptop in tow. For surf and tide information email email . For more columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com.

Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on August 24, 2007.

I Dream of Oprah

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9781464511448_p0_v1_s260x420Some girls dream of fancy cars, furs, and jewels. Others fantasize about being the first president of the United States or running the United Nations. For me, it’s all about meeting Oprah.

We’ve had so many imaginary conversations, I know when we actually meet on her show it’ll be like sinking into the couch of my new best friend.

And boy will we dish.

It doesn’t matter what the subject of the show is, Oprah and I will both have plenty to say.

I might be promoting my new book, or that movie I found time to write between Little League innings. I could offer cooking tips (order takeout at least five nights a week, the other two you can eat leftovers) or investment advice (play both the Mega- and Super-Lotto to maximize your winnings). Whatever the subject, I know that Oprah will find me charming no matter what happens to slip out of my mouth. Best friends are like that.

Since it’s clear that Oprah and I will be best buds once we meet, I just have to figure out a way to get myself on the show. Which is why Steve Harrison’s email promoting a free telephone seminar on “The Three Big Secrets of Getting Free Publicity On Top National TV Shows” immediately caught my eye.

If Oprah’s former guest booker Michelle Anton was going to be on the call, then deadlines schmedlines, I was going to be on that call too.

I made sure my teeth were lipstick free as I nervously dialed the phone. Harrison had already started. “You are one idea away from accomplishing anything you want,” he boomed, with the pumped up passion of a preacher.

I hurriedly jotted down my ideas of things I could talk about. How to stay married without killing your husband; the top ten ways your screw-ups make other parents feel better about themselves; a 17-point presentation that proves Glenn Close and Meryl Streep are actually the same person; why chocolate should be at the top of the food pyramid; the Leslie science system; how to create a theory and write a column about every random idea you’ve ever had.

Clearly the big ideas are not a problem for me.

Harrison went on and on about why television appearances are so much better than advertising and how being on TV would make me ten times more famous and ten times more successful than I am today–which let’s face it, still wouldn’t really make me all that famous or successful. But that’s OK, because all I really care about is making friends with Oprah.

Then he introduced the panel, which included people from Fox News, the Today Show and the View. Of course, I only had ears for Oprah (and her surrogate, Michelle).

Finally Michelle, who is considered a media expert having worked with Oprah, Leeza Gibbons and Danny Bonaduce, gets on the line. She says, “It’s important for prospective show guests to develop a relationship with the producers. They may not have a guest spot for you right away, but if they know you then they’ll call you when then right opportunity presents itself.”

Of course. That makes so much sense. I make a note to invite Michelle over for fruity frilly umbrella drinks next week. We’ll bond. Hey, maybe she’ll even bring Oprah over with her. I’m sure she will. I’m sure they’ll both come, and bring a lovely house gift, like a car or a houseplant. I wonder if she likes Manitaropita Mushroom Packets or Lemongrass Chicken Stix?

“Your first phone call is a mini audition,” Michelle advises. “When you leave a producer a voicemail, make your passion for your subject come through in your voice. The idea is so we can see what an entertaining guest you would make.”

Ah, another great tip. Thanks, Michelle. I wonder how much it would cost to get Glenn/Meryl to read this column into the phone?

Oh, well, enough with the wild fantasies. I’d better get back to cleaning the house, so that my mother won’t be embarrassed when Oprah drops by.

If you have the inside track on Oprah, email us at email. For more of Leslie’s columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com.
Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on August 17, 2007.

How can I hate you if I won’t look away?

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© Leeloomultipass | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

© Leeloomultipass | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

I felt a little sick to my stomach when the wax model image of Lindsay Lohan in prison garb flashed on the TV, with a ten-year-old girl posing adoringly next to it. What a Kodak moment for her proud mama. Lindsay and the little girl even had matching alcohol-detecting ankle bracelets.

And yet, it’s hard to look away.

I muster my will power and flip the channel quickly. There was a report about Britney Spears declaring, “Now I’m a Brainiac!” while playing topless truth or dare with some college kids.

I feel dirty, and not in a good way.

I turn on my computer to learn that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie’s recent antics have inspired a new porn movie: “Paris and Nicole Go to Jail.”

Their parents must be so proud.

I’m repulsed by these girls on so many levels; I hardly know where to start. Yet I’m attracted to them too, like a train wreck, I can’t look away. Their dalliances with sex, drugs, high-speed car chases, fame, millionaire boy toys and fashionable clothing are more over-the-top than any plotlines on Days of Our Lives, yet still they hold my interest.

What kind of a person am I that I know more about Paris and Nicole than I do about Hezbollah and Darfur?

Why are these girls and their predictable plotline patterns –watch how the mighty fall, rise, forget to put on their panties, and fall again–so fascinating? Little girls may be in danger of wanting to grow up to be like Lindsey and Britney, but I certainly don’t look up to them. I mean my gosh, they’re so skinny I could crush them both with my left elbow.

So why do I continue to follow their hijinks? Is it some kind of attraction repulsion compulsion syndrome, or is there actually a lesson to be learned from their stories?

I suppose on some level their screw-ups make me feel better about myself. As Nora Ephron wrote, “How fabulous to look at those Hilton parents and say to yourself, well, whatever I did as a parent, it wasn’t that. Whatever my regrets, whatever my failings, whatever my ineptness, however much I worry that I forgot to tell my kids about how to use the soup spoon, at least I am not on the phone to Barbara Walters in the middle of the night trying to negotiate a television appearance for my daughter on the occasion of her release from prison.”

My friend Louise thinks we should all stop reading the tabloids and watching the Rehab All Star News because our interest in girls behaving badly actually causes it. “I mean, how shocked are you that these girls whose every body part, boyfriend, and bad hair day has been publicly debated, scrutinized and drooled over have a few issues? We should all just leave them alone.”

If only I could, but their stories are hard to avoid and a lot easier to digest than the rest of the news. Perhaps that’s the real reason for the explosion of gossip on TV, newspapers, magazines, and the Internet: real life is too scary to deal with right now. Paris, Lindsay, Britney, Nicole–they’re just scary enough.

I may feel dirty, but I’m not above a shameless plug. If you’d like your daughters to read about some positive role models for a change, check out Leslie’s new children’s book, “Women in Charge” (Child’s World 2007) available at LeslieDinaberg.com

Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on August 10, 2007.

Treat Your Children Well

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© Kornilovdream | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

© Kornilovdream | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

A Look at Some of the Nonprofits Serving Children

What could be a more universal cause than striving to give children a brighter tomorrow and a more fulfilling future? Literally hundreds of opportunities exist to give back to children in the community. Unfortunately, we can’t include them all. Here’s a look at just a few of the many organizations working to on behalf of children’s issues and the solutions to their problems in the areas of at-risk youth; education; arts; and medical, emotional and physical health and safety.

Family Service Agency is Santa Barbara County’s first and oldest non-profit human service agency, offering several programs, including Healthy Start, which connects at-risk families with existing community resources; the Family Build Project, which addresses the needs of families living in government subsidized housing; and a variety of counseling and child guidance programs.

Another veteran organization offering a variety of services to at-risk children and others is the United Boys and Girls Clubs. It has been working with young people in town since 1945, and now has four clubhouses that offer day care, summer camps, and a plethora of programs including sports, art, academics and leadership development. While the organization once emphasized servicing children from disadvantaged backgrounds, “today we’re open to everyone, because all children are at risk,” says Executive Director Sal Rodriguez.

Also serving both at-risk youth and the wider community is the Police Activity League (PAL), which offers opportunities for instruction in art, digital editing, hip hop dance, martial arts, and basketball, as well as a tutoring center and a teen youth leadership council that are open to all children. PAL also has a Campership Alliance Program that collaborates with a number of organizations–including the City of Santa Barbara Parks & Recreation Department, United Boys & Girls Clubs, Santa Barbara Museum of Natural History, Santa Barbara YMCA, Santa Barbara Zoo, Refugio Junior Lifeguard Program, Elings Park Camps and Money Camp for Kids –to provide summer camp scholarships.

Endowment for Youth Committee is another broad-reaching organization, which provides a wide variety of educational, social, cultural and recreational achievement programs for children, with a special emphasis on assisting African American, Native American and Latino youth.

Girls Inc. also offers an expansive array of programs, but with an all-girl atmosphere that emphasizes learning to resist gender stereotypes and encouraging girls to take risks, acquire skills, gain confidence, become self-reliant, and practice leadership. Girls are also front and center for Affirm, another program that works only with girls, in this case focusing on empowerment, education, and identity for teenagers that are in the juvenile correction system.

Kids in trouble are also the focus for Noah’s Anchorage, operated by the YMCA. The group provides a Youth Crisis Shelter, which is the only program in Santa Barbara County that offers year-round 24-hour access to counseling, shelter, referrals, food and clothing for runaways, homeless youth and youth in crisis.

The Big Brothers Big Sisters program, run by Family Service Agency, also targets at risk youth, matching them up with adult mentors who provide positive role models and a one-on-one relationship. Another mentorship-based program is the Wilderness Youth Project, which offers after school, weekend and summer programs that utilize “nature-based mentoring,” where being out in nature facilitates crucial life lessons and connection with the natural world.

Working on the health and wellness front is CALM (Child Abuse Listening and Mediation), which acts to prevent child abuse from occurring and offers professional treatment for the entire family when abuse does occur. CALM works closely with police, the district attorney, child protective services and medical personnel to investigate alleged abuse in a supportive and child-friendly fashion.

The Teddy Bear Cancer Foundation is another organization that works with entire families, endeavoring to ensure that children with cancer receive the undivided comfort of their parents during the treatment and recovery process. Teddy Bear provides financial aid for rent, mortgage, utilities, and car payments, as well as other supportive services, thereby allowing families to focus on their children. “Teddy Bear is unique in that it adapts to each family’s distinct needs. We don’t provide just one service–we do whatever’s needed to help,” said Founder/Executive Director Nikki Katz.

On the education front, the Children’s Project is focused on developing an innovative boarding school and college preparatory academy for foster children and selected youth with mental health or delinquency issues. “People often ask me, ‘Why foster children? So many kids need help.’ While that is true, there is one big difference that separates foster youth from others in need. That is that we not only have a moral obligation to help them…we have a legal obligation. …The moment the judge removes the child from a parent’s care, WE become the parents to that child. We, as the community, step into that role. And I am convinced we can do a better job,” says Founder and CEO Wendy Read.

Another education nonprofit, the Computers for Families program, seeks to eliminate the negative consequences of the Digital Divide by providing students from low-income families with refurbished computers, Internet access and training. Thanks to this innovative program, Santa Barbara will be the first community in the United States to ensure that every child from a low-income family, beginning in the fourth grade, has a computer with Internet access.

For more than 43 years, the Scholarship Foundation of Santa Barbara has helped local students pay for their higher education, giving out more than $7 million in student aid for the last school year.

Emphasizing the arts is Art Walk for Kids, an outreach program that focuses on benefiting special needs, developmentally disabled, at risk, terminally ill youth and adults in their positive environments through a specialized curriculum of art and vocational education. Art Walk projects have benefited a diverse group of nonprofits, including the United Nations, Summit for Danny, United Way, the Red Cross, Sarah House, the Santa Barbara Symphony, the Lobero Theatre, I Madonnari, the Multi-Cultural Dance and Music Festival, Vieja Valley School, Santa Barbara County Juvenile Hall, El Puente School, and Hillside House, among others. Its latest collaboration is with the Patricia Henley Foundation, a new nonprofit that offers unique, free opportunities for students to learn all aspects of theatre arts production and develop their creative talents.

The Family Therapy Institute’s Academy of Healing Arts for Teens (AHA!) also incorporates creative expression into its programs, which emphasize the development of character, imagination, emotional intelligence, and social conscience in teenagers, and helps them learn to set goals, stop bullying and hatred, support their peers, and serve their community.

These excellent organizations are but a small percentage of all of the nonprofits serving children in Santa Barbara. For a more comprehensive list visit the Family Service Agency referral service at www.211sbcounty.org/.

Originally published in Santa Barbara Magazine