Category Archives: parenting

What I learned in kindergarten this year

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Kindergarten, photo courtesy Lucelia Ribeiro, Flickr.

The tears started when I began to compose a thank you letter to my son’s teacher. Trying to put down on paper all of the amazing things he had learned in kindergarten — about the “bossy E,” who was simply silent when I went to school; about raising your hand to get attention, rather than shouting or pulling on shirtsleeves; about using sign language when you need to go to the bathroom; about taking turns and waiting patiently; that gray wolves mate for life and that little acorns grow into great big oaks — proved an impossible task. I just kept smearing the ink with my big, sloppy, sentimental mommy tears.

Kindergarten is such a big year in so many ways. Sure, we felt the influence of the outside world in preschool, like when Koss thought it was odd that his father and I didn’t have tattoos, like all of his 20-something teachers. Or when he picked up phrases like, “Let’s skedaddle,” or “Excuse me, sir,” that he would never have heard at home.

But kindergarten was different. Even I could remember kindergarten, which meant so would Koss, and any mistakes that we made here would go on his, gasp … permanent record! There were goals, standards, expectations, even report cards.

At Back to School Night, when Ms. Geritz told us that every one of the students would be reading by the end of the year, I just about fell out of my teeny, tiny, fake wood chair. They were just babies, many of them clinging to mom and dad for a few precious moments before running off onto the playground, with some stray glances back for reassurance.

Every milestone Koss encounters feels like a mixed blessing, as I give another bit of him away to the universe. As much as I want him to be independent, I dread it too.

Someone recently asked me when I most rejoiced, when he got out of diapers or when he could strap himself into a car seat, which he will soon strap himself out of permanently when he turns 6 next month. Koss can hardly wait. He’ll probably wake up at midnight to throw it out of the car.

As for me, well sure, ditching the diapers did inspire a little happy dance, but even the most celebratory milestones make me feel a little sad. Call me crazy, but I missed those 2 a.m. cuddles when he began sleeping through the night.

In kindergarten, each child greeted Ms. Geritz with a hug. That’s what I’ll probably miss the most. For the simple sweetness and also for the deeper symbolism. These children adore their teacher. For right now she is school to them. I wish I could bottle that love of learning, that openness to all of life’s possibilities and put it in a time capsule to bequeath to them when they’re 13 or 11 or 9 or whenever that seemingly unavoidable teenage ‘tude starts.

I’m a little bit comforted when I see Ms. Geritz’s past students — 1st and 2nd graders and even some 6th graders — stop by and give her hugs. She’s a part of them now and she always will be.

I’ll never forget the dejected look on Koss’s face when I explained to him that not only would he have a different teacher for first grade, but that there would be some different students too. He really liked his classmates. So did I. While neither one of us found a new best friend, we did meet a lot of nice people and I know that most of them will remain in our lives for a very long time.

But we’ll never be in kindergarten again and I can’t help but wish I had spent a little more time volunteering in the classroom. Maybe baked a cookie or two, instead of always buying them. Maybe re-learn how to bake, so that I could actually mean it when I say that. Although, I know that I would still feel guilty even if I had never missed a volunteer opportunity and had been a Martha Stewart lunatic about making perfect goodies for every event.

Koss would rather have Oreos anyway, I reminded myself, as I un-packaged the cookies after the end-of-the-year play.

Whether it was their first child to enter kindergarten or their last, all of the parents marveled that their babies had finally reached this stage, reading well enough to memorize lines and stand poised in front of the audience waiting their turn to perform.

For the finale, when the children signed and sang along to Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World,” there wasn’t a dry eye in house.

Then Ms. Geritz gave them each a memory book with a poem that said they would take a piece of them with her wherever they went.

Sorry if my big, sloppy, sentimental mommy tears smudged your paper. I’m sure I’ll get over it by the fall.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on June 23, 2005.

When every day is Father’s Day

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Photo courtesy Pexels.com.

Photo courtesy Pexels.com.

The job may sound grueling on paper, but not to the growing ranks of the more than 98,000 stay-at-home fathers in the United States — and not to Steve Boelter, Danny Echt, Robert Hilton and John Kerman, at least not most of the time.

While their individual family dynamics, professional circumstances and points-of-view vary greatly, these South Coast stay-at-home fathers agree on one thing: putting in the time at home to create a close bond with their children is pretty darn terrific.

Robert Hilton: THE TRIPLE THREAT

“I never thought I’d ever be a father and here I am and it is just wonderful,” said Robert Hilton. A touching statement from any 58-year-old, to be sure, but even more tender considering that Hilton is the stay-at-home father to 2-year-old triplets, Heather, Elizabeth and Spencer.

“He was a confirmed bachelor. He married late in life, and then I really wanted a family, one child or maybe two,” laughed his wife, Marie Hathaway Hilton, who works for Medtronics in Goleta. “We did it and it was really a shock. It’s been a real shift in how you perceive yourself and what it means to be a man … but I think what comes through is that the children are very much loved and they know they are loved. … For someone who is the last person on earth you could imagine being a dad, he has just done a great job and you can see that with the kids.”

Following the sage advice of other parents of multiples, Hilton has the toddlers on a pretty strict schedule, “otherwise it would just be chaos.”

Early on the retired marine mechanic had help from three generations of family friends, Sheri Morris, Nicole Dominguez and their Nana. “They saved my hide,” Hilton said. But after about seven months, he was on his own with three babies while Marie was at work.

“I remember one night when I was feeding one of them … I was terrified. I hadn’t really gotten used to it yet and I was a nervous wreck. It was 4 in the morning and whichever one it was I was feeding reached up and grabbed my finger and smiled. And that just did it for me. That just took everything away,” Hilton said.

“When you start hearing your children laugh and they call you dada, it’s just astounding. So it keeps me going that they’re so happy.”

Steve Boelter: THE HAREM LEADER

Known to other Kellogg School volunteers as “Steve and his harem,” Steve Boelter stays at home with Michael, 8, and Mason, 4.

“I’m pretty much it (as far as male volunteers in class),” Boelter said. “It’s me and the women.”

Once the owner of now-defunct Goleta restaurants Jasper’s and Boelter’s Grill, Boelter became a full-time father when Mason was a year old. He was unemployed and his wife Lisa’s business, Anna’s Bakery, was doing well.

“It just seemed to make sense that rather than pay for day care, I would stay home with the guys,” he said. As far as the adjustment to full-time fatherhood, Boelter said he may have had it easier than most. “I was pretty lucky with the whole deal as far as owning the restaurant. I knew how to cook, and I knew how to do the business thing and the shopping … It would be a lot harder if you were working behind a computer … it definitely takes a certain personality.”

As for his friends, “for the most part, everybody thinks it’s great,” Boelter said. Although his staying at home “really bugs” his own mother, his mother-in-law is “much more understanding.”

Boelter plans to get back into the paid workforce but for now he said, “it’s really fun just to be in every part of their lives. They’re not little for a whole lot of time.”

Having time to coach Little League and soccer and “take advantage of the time and get in the best shape of your life” is a real treat for the competitive bike racer.

He said he really values things like recently being able to attend both performances of Michael’s second-grade play.

“I notice a big difference … with my older kid, the relationship that we both had when I was working. It was not very close, whereas now it’s very close,” Boelter said.

While he never imagined that stay-at-home fatherhood would be the path his life would take, Boelter is happy with the way things worked out.

“My life is great right now.”

John Kerman: THE CONTRARIAN

“If I had it to do it all over again I’d do it,” said John Kerman, who stays at home with 10-year-old Jimmy and 8-year-old Catie, who both attend Washington School. While Kerman and his wife, Evalyn, business manager for the Montecito Water District, were committed to having one parent stay at home with the children, they didn’t decide it would be John until he was laid off from his banking job while Evalyn was pregnant with Jimmy.

“We said, let’s try this for a little while,” Kerman said. “I think it started out being more of a temporary thing, but then it started dawning on us that this was working pretty well and we decided to stay with it because, in part, we developed this sort of a contrarian lifestyle.”

Both spouses and their children seem to be quite happy with their roles. When asked if they ever envy each other, Kerman said, “yeah, there were some moments like that. But recently I think we’re far enough along with this … everyone is happy to be where they are.”

Evalyn said the people who most often express envy are working dads, who wish they could stay home with their kids.

“It’s fantastic that she has given me this opportunity to do this,” Kerman said. “I tell her just how thankful I am that she’s willing to work and support our family and give me this opportunity, and to tolerate me as the stay-at-home parent.

“I had no idea how hard the job is. I have so much respect for what women have done for all these years. It’s a tremendously challenging thing to do and … we fumble along and do the best we can, but, boy, I tell you, I’m thrilled to do it,” he said.

“There can be a competitive aspect to parenting for some moms whereas I just do it like any other home-improvement project: Slap it together and do the best you can and move on.”

Danny Echt: THE NETWORKER

“You can’t compare jobs and kids. I hope that all of this will mean that when my kids are teenagers and later adults in life that we’ll have a good and meaningful relationship. And work can satisfy that, too, from the money and the things that you can provide,” said Danny Echt, who stays at home with 7-year-old Gabby and 5-year-old Hannah while his wife, Dr. Margaret “Meg” Echt, runs a busy OB/GYN practice

“But the time and … the things that you just don’t know are going to come up when you’re available to accept those are great. I’ve learned that it takes a lot of time, so maybe the best part is just not having to put a schedule to it,” said Echt.

The Echts both felt strongly that one parent should stay home with the kids, and it just so happened that Meg had recently finished her residency when she got pregnant.

“It just made financial sense,” said Echt, a former coach and teacher who still gives a few tennis lessons a week when he’s not volunteering at Hope School or working at the Oaks cooperative preschool.

Unlike some stay-at-home fathers who may be uncomfortable with the stay-at-home mother culture, Echt has embraced what he calls the “network of at-home people,” joining playgroups when the girls were little and choosing a cooperative preschool, in part, to meet more parents.

“It is so critical because at the same time that you want no structure (in the summer) you also want to be able to ring somebody and say ‘hey, let’s go meet by the pool or the park,’ and if you know that people are doing the same thing it’s great.”

While he loves his role as stay-at-home dad, Echt said he would also like to give his wife the chance to be at home with the girls.

“The sacrifice that Meg has made — aside from the physical work, which is tough — is missing those moments where you just kind of feel really lucky to be with your kids. I would love to be able to give her that opportunity. … The logistics I haven’t figured out, but I’d love that.”

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on June 16, 2005.

Peanut butter, parties and playdates

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Photo by Tolmacho, courtesy pixabay.

Attention parents: when you go to kindergarten orientation this month, take a good look around at the other parents. These are the people you’re going to spend the next 13 years of your life with.

Those of you who did the co-op preschool thing are better prepared for this than the rest of us. For me, it was quite a shock when my son started kindergarten and began dictating our social life.

While I’m told that most parents decide who their children are friends with – at least until they’re 8 or 9 — our son must be precocious. He’s only 5 and already his activities are filling our calendar.

Luckily he has good taste in friends.

It started out innocently enough. Koss met a few kids, and through them a few more. They played together at school, then after school they started having play dates. So far so good. You meet the other kids’ parents, inspect their house for hidden artillery, quicksand and meth labs, finding none, you’ve got two to three hours of afternoon freedom. (The “you” usually being my husband, since I’m almost always at work.)

Of course reciprocal play dates involve some planning on our part, but for a parent of an only child, having another child over to play can sometimes be the next best thing to an extra hour’s sleep. Not that my husband is asleep while your precious bundle is doing fire science with my child. He’s just resting his eyes a moment, behind the locked door.

Then there are the birthday parties. “Either invite the whole class or mail the invitations” was our teacher’s instruction. Apparently most kindergarten parents dislike the post office the way I do the Laundromat.

We started bulk loading our gift closet in the fall, and now replenish our stock on a regular basis.

Somehow 20 kids in his class have multiplied into 20,000 birthday parties. Is my child the only one who was born in the summer? Was there some secret no one told me about that I could have avoided spending the last months of my pregnancy sweating in the swimming pool?

It’s not that kid’s birthday parties aren’t fun. I’ve developed a certain affection for watching kids whack the piñata, and I’m as much of a sucker for a sugar and lard rose as the next gal, but I can’t help feeling a little envious when my pre-parental colleagues talk about the great parties they went to that weekend, or the R-rated movies they get to see.

Then there are sports. It started out with AYSO soccer. Even though our son had shown no particular inclination for kicking anything other than the furniture, or running anywhere other than into our arms, my husband and I thought it might be fun for him to learn how to play.

It was fun, but not for the reasons I expected. We liked the coach and the other parents.

Koss turned out to be the Mr. Congeniality of peewee soccer.

While he wasn’t always sure which goal was his and which was his opponent’s, he did get to know the other teams’ ins and outs. He knew their favorite ice cream flavors, most beloved Power Rangers and whether they preferred Cartoon Network or Toon Disney. This is because he spent the games chatting, rarely paying attention to the action going on down the field.

While he never scored a goal, he never left a game without a slew of phone numbers. Not many college level soccer players can say that.

As he added new soccer friends to his dance card, we saw our own social life boogie out the door. Brunch? Sorry, we’ve got soccer. Lunch? Can’t do it, birthday party. Dinner? Nope, Koss set up a pizza night for us with one of his new buddies and their family.

No wonder we never see our friends who have four kids! They’ve penciled us in for summer – August of 2007 looks pretty free.

Now it’s T-Ball season, which is the perfect-paced game for a boy who likes to talk more than he likes to play. Waiting for all of the kids to go through the batting line-up bored his friend Jared to tears, but for Koss it’s the perfect time for socializing.

And what do you know; it’s pretty fun for us too.

I guess I should be happy he’s so outgoing. A study at Harvard University found that reserved children are more likely to be violent than their outgoing peers. Hmmm … so far Koss has shown what I consider to be a normal 5-year-old level of violence, he’s as likely to give a hug as a karate chop as a way of greeting a friend … or a stranger who’s about to become one.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on April 21, 2005.

Parents Choice Awards

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When one person gives advice, you can take it or leave it. But when hundreds of people chime in on the best places to spend your time, and your money … well, it just makes sense to perk up your ears.

So listen up — and even take notes if you need to — these are the first annual Parent’s Choice Award winners, brought to you by SBParent.com, N.E.W. (Network of Enterprising Women), and the South Coast Beacon.

Birthday and Shower Invitations

Winner: Paper Ink

3325 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

687.3580

Honorable Mention: Glenda’s Party Cove

3319 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

687.4500

Whether you’re looking to create your own invitations, or buy them off the rack, Paper Ink has everything you could possibly need to announce the festivities. And honorable mention winner Glenda’s Party Cove is just a few steps away.

Holiday Cards

Winner: Costco

7095 Market Place Drive

Goleta, CA 93117

685.4461

With bargain prices on both photo cards and traditional boxed sets, it’s no wonder that Costco’s a local favorite.

Honorable Mention: P J’s Hallmark Shop

6990 Market Place Dr.

Goleta, CA 93117

685.5588

Birthday Supplies and Favors

Glenda’s Party Cove and Pacific Company were tied for first place. Luckily for you, they’re both located in Loreto Plaza, just a few doors down from one another.

Winner: Glenda’s Party Cove

3319 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

687.4500

Winner: Pacific Company

3309 State St. #A

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

682.9552

Place to Host a Birthday

Winner: My Gym, Children’s Fitness Center

3888 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

563.7336

www.my-gym.com

With an all-inclusive package that provides everything but the cake, My Gym is a great choice for busy parents with active kids.

Honorable Mention: local parks

Visit www.santabarbaraca.gov/Parks/ for information on facilities and rental availability for Santa Barbara City Parks and www.sbparks.org/ for Santa Barbara County Parks information.

Best Birthday Cakes

Winner: Costco

7095 Market Place Drive

Goleta, CA 93117

685.4461

Honorable Mention: Anna’s Bakery

7018 Market Place Dr.

Goleta, CA 93117

968.5590

For a big party, there’s no better value in town than Parent’s Choice winning Costco cake. Honorable Mention winner Anna’s Bakery, just across the parking lot at Camino Real Marketplace) is known for its creative decorations (the big wave surfing cake is a favorite) and having a wide variety of confections.

Babysitter

Grandma and Grandpa were the winners in this category, hands-down. However, if you’re not lucky enough to have grandparents in town, some of the other sitters mentioned were: Christin Allrich, Yolanda Espinoza, Erin Feeney, Jessica Fink , Kayla Howard-Anderson, Lauren Klapp, Caitlin Leff, Sara Martinovich , Christina Palacio, Pamela Palacio, Sloan Pettersen, Stacy Radujko, Nicole Richardson, Corrigan Speicher , Christina Villalovos, Sierra Young, Kristi Ware and Beth Williams.

Preschool

Winner: Circle of Friends Children’s Center

400 Puente Drive

Santa Barbara, CA 93110

692.8516

A perennial favorite among local parents, Circle of Friends is also known for having really fun fundraisers.

Honorable Mention: The Oaks Parent-Child Workshop

Director – Marilyn Statucki

605 W. Junipero St.

Santa Barbara. CA 93105

682.7609

Elementary School

Winner: Foothill Elementary School

711 Ribera Drive

Santa Barbara, CA 93111

681.1268

www.foothill.goleta.k12.ca.us/

Honorable Mention: Hope Elementary School

3970 La Colina Road

Santa Barbara, CA 93110

563.2974

www.sbceo.org/~hope/

Pediatrician

Not unexpectedly, given their longevity in town, the Children’s Medical Clinic dominated this category, with Dr. David Abbott (father) and Dr. Steven Abbott (son) coming out in first and second places. Sometimes it pays to go into the family business.

Winner: Dr. David Abbott

Children’s Medical Clinic

15 E. Arrellaga St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

965.1095

Honorable Mention: Dr. Steven Abbott

Children’s Medical Clinic

15 E. Arrellaga St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

965.1095

Honorable Mention: Dr. Gerard Brewer

2421 Bath St., Suite B

Santa Barbara, 93105

682.7771

Pediatric Dentist

Winner: Dr. Robert Ruby & Dr. Yvonne Rochon

15 E. Arrellaga St. Suite 4

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

963.4404

Honorable Mention: Dr. Steven Mascagno

2780 State St., Suite 5

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

687.4141

The American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry recommends a child’s first dental visit be by the time he is a year old. By age 3, the average child has three decayed teeth — and that is with only 50% of children seeing a dentist — so the earlier the better to prevent problems before they occur, said Dr. Marc Grossman.

Obstetrician/Gynecologist

Winner: Dr. Margaret Echt

2329 Oak Park Lane

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

682.8166

Honorable Mention: Dr. Susanne Ramos

Sansum-Santa Barbara Medical Foundation Clinic

515 W. Pueblo St.

Santa Barbara, 93105

681.8911

Honorable Mention: Dr. Ayesha Shaikh

2323 Oak Park Lane, Suite 202

Santa Barbara, 93105

687.5500

Occupational/Physical Therapist

Winner: Dr. Mark Brisby

5638 Hollister Ave., Suite 301

Goleta, CA 93117

681.7273

Family Therapist/Psychologist

Winner: Michael Madden

23 W. Mission St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

569.2272

Holistic Health Care

Winner: Maes Center for Natural Health Care

9 E. Mission St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

563.8660

www.maescenter.com

Honorable Mention: Santa Barbara Center for Natural Medicine

34 E. Sola St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

966.3003

www.sbcnm.com

Child Friendly Restaurants

Winner: California Pizza Kitchen

719 Paseo Nuevo (on Chapala St.)

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

962.4648

www.cpk.com

Honorable Mention: Beach Grill at Padaro

3765 Santa Claus Lane

Carpinteria, CA 93013

566.3900

Honorable Mention: Red Robin

3825 State St. (in La Cumbre Plaza)

Santa Barbara, CA 93105
687.4000

www.redrobin.com

California Pizza Kitchen has great kids meals, with sundaes as a special treat. You can’t beat the view – or the sandbox – at the Beach Grill at Padaro, and you can’t beat the bar at Red Robin.

Grocery Store

A lot of people discovered Trader Joe’s when the big chains went on strike last year, and apparently the appetite for well-priced, high-quality, health-conscious food has stuck.

Winner: Trader Joe’s

Trader Joe’s (Goleta)

5767 Calle Real

Goleta, CA 93117

692.2234

Trader Joe’s (Santa Barbara North)

3025 De La Vina

Santa Barbara, CA 93103

563.7383

Trader Joe’s (Santa Barbara South)

29 South Milpas St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93103

(805) 564-7878

www.traderjoes.com

Honorable Mention: Vons

1040 Coast Village Road (Montecito)

34 W. Victoria St. (Santa Barbara)

163 S. Turnpike Rd. (Santa Barbara)

3855 State St. (Santa Barbara)

165 N. Fairview Ave. (Goleta)

850 Linden Ave. (Carpinteria)

Grocery Delivery

A godsend for new parents who often have a hard time getting into the shower in those early weeks, let alone getting into the car, grocery delivery is fast becoming a way of life for many on the South Coast.

Winner: www.Albertsons.com

Health Food Store

Winner: Lazy Acres Market

302 Meigs Road

Santa Barbara, CA 93109

564.4410

www.lazyacres.com

Honorable Mention: Lassen’s Health Foods

5154 Hollister Ave,

Goleta, CA 93117

683.7696

Take-out Meals

Winner: Santa Barbara Chicken Ranch

Santa Barbara Chicken Ranch (Santa Barbara)

2618 De La Vina St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

569-1872

Santa Barbara Chicken Ranch (Goleta)

63 North Fairview Ave. (in the Fairview Shopping Center)

Goleta, CA 93117

569.1872

www.sbchickenranch.com

Honorable Mention: Fresco

3987 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

967.6037

Childbirth Classes

Winner: Cottage Health System

Both Santa Barbara Cottage Hospital (682.7111) and Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital (967.3411) childbirth classes had plenty of fans.

New Parent Classes

Winner: PEP- Baby Basics

Postpartum Education for Parents

564.3888

www.sbpep.org

Honorable Mention: Infant Times

Taught by Laura Sobell

Santa Barbara City College Adult Education

300 N. Turnpike Rd.

Santa Barbara, CA 93111

964.6853

Parent Support Groups

Winner: PEP (Postpartum Education for Parents)

564.3888

www.sbpep.org

Honorable Mention: Santa Barbara Parents of Multiples

www.santabarbaramoms.org/

Diaper Services

Winner: Enviro-Baby

2445 Murrell Rd.

Santa Barbara, CA 93109

967.5370

www.enviro-baby.com

Advertising that they’ve saved more than 574,276 diapers from Santa Barbara landfills as of Feb. 1, Enviro-Baby provides weekly pickup and delivery of cotton diapers, as well as odorless diaper pails.

Doulas and Nurses

Winner: Kitty Maxwell

682.5606

Art Supplies

Winner: Art Essentials

32 E. Victoria St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

965.5456

Honorable Mention: Michaels Arts and Crafts

187 North Fairview Ave.

Goleta, CA 93117

967.7119

www.michaels.com

Toys

Winner: Kernohans

Kernohans (Goleta) 5739 Calle Real

Goleta, CA 93117

964.6499

Kernohans (Santa Barbara)1324 State St. (in La Cumbre Plaza)

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

687.3777

www.kernohanstoys.com

Honorable Mention: KB Toys

136 S. Hope Ave #47 (in La Cumbre Plaza)

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

682.6026

Honorable Mention: Toyland

3821 Santa Claus Lane

Carpinteria, CA 93013

684.3515

Educational Materials

Winner: Bennett’s Educational Materials

5130 Hollister Ave.

Santa Barbara, CA 93111

964.8998

www.bennettseducational.com

Maternity Clothes

Winner: Due Maternity

1223 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

966.4400

www.duematernity.com

Honorable Mention: Motherhood Maternity

121 S. Hope Ave. (in La Cumbre Plaza)

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

682.7040

Kid’s Clothes

Winner: Gymboree Clothing

3815 State St. (in La Cumbre Plaza)

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

682.7773

www.gymboree.com

Honorable Mention: The Gap Kids

617 Paseo Nuevo

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

899.9124

Kid’s Shoes

Winner: Nordstrom

17 W. Canon Perdido St. (in Paseo Nuevo)

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

564.8770

www.nordstroms.com

Honorable Mention: Payless Shoe Stores

627 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

962.2866

197 S. Turnpike Road

Santa Barbara, CA 93111

683.1861

Used Kid’s Clothes and Toys

Winner: Polar Bear

726 Anacapa St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

965.6637

Honorable Mention: Replay

2945 De La Vina St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

569.1313

Kid’s Sports Equipment

Winner: Play it Again Sports

4850 Hollister Ave.

Santa Barbara, CA 93111

967.9889

www.playitagainsports.com

Honorable Mention: Sportmart

7035 Marketplace Dr.

Goleta, CA 93117

968.8551

Baby Furniture/Equipment

Winner: Baby Furniture & Accessories Santa Barbara

1936 De La Vina St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

682.7517

Honorable Mention: Chicken Little

1236 State St.

Santa Barbara, 93101

962.7771

Children’s Furniture

Winner: Hopscotch Fine Furnishings

110 South Hope Road (in La Cumbre Plaza)

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

730.1007

www.hopscotch.com

Honorable Mention: Baby Furniture & Accessories Santa Barbara

1936 De La Vina St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

682.7517

Bookstore for Kids

Winner: Chaucer’s Books

3321 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

682.4067

www.chaucers.booksense.com

Honorable Mention: Border’s Books, Music & Café

900 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

899.3668

7000 Marketplace Dr.

Goleta, CA 93117

968.1370

Kid’s Haircuts

Winner: Kids Cuts

4317 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

681.9596

With a child’s dream playroom full of toys and videos, there’s no need to be nervous about your baby’s first haircut. The only difficult thing about Kids Cuts is getting your kids to leave.

Honorable Mention: Tortoise and the Hare

1221 State St. #4 in Victoria Court

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

963.3393

Scrapbook Supplies

Winner: Santa Barbara Scrapbooks

918 Chapala St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

962.5099

www.sbscrapbooks.com

Not only does Santa Barbara Scrapbooks offer everything you need to preserve your family’s memories, it now offers free Mommy and Me memory classes as well as kid’s scrapbooking classes for a nominal fee.

Honorable Mention: Michaels Arts and Crafts

187 North Fairview Ave.

Goleta, CA 93117

967.7119

www.michaels.com

Family Photographer

Winner: Brad Elliot

565.6052

Place to get Car Seat Checked

Winner: California Highway Patrol

6465 Calle Real

Goleta, CA 93117

967.1234

Outdoor Fitness / Health Clubs

Winner: YMCA

Santa Barbara Family YMCA

36 Hitchcock Way

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

687.7727

Montecito Family YMCA

591 Santa Rosa Ln.

Santa Barbara, CA 93108

969.3288

www.ymca.com

Honorable Mention: Moms in Motion

HOME Countdown

Place to Volunteer with Kids

Winner: Unity Shoppe

1219 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

965.4122

www.unityshoppe.org

Kids Parade

Winner: Fiesta Children’s Parade

Honorable Mention: PEP Halloween Parade

Hiking Trail with Kids

Winner: Rattlesnake Canyon

To reach the trailhead for the Rattlesnake Canyon Trial, exit the 101 Freeway at Mission in Santa Barbara. Follow the signs to the Mission and from there, proceed north on Mission Canyon Road to Foothill Road and turn right. Make a quick left, once again onto Mission Canyon Road, and take it to Las Canoas Road and turn right. Take Las Canoas about 1-1/2 miles, look for a wide turnout near the second stone bridge and park your car along side the road.

Honorable Mention: Jesusita Trail

To reach the top of the trail, exit the 101 Freeway at Mission Street, head northeast to Foothill Road and turn right. Turn left on Tunnel Road and take it to the trailhead. Beyond the gate look for signage for Inspiration Point and Jesusita Trail.

Annual Family Event

Winner: Old Spanish Days Fiesta

Get ready for this year’s festivities at the annual costume sale on May 7 from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. at the Carriage Museum. For more information call Mally Sneddon at 964.7650.

Honorable Mention: Summer Solstice

Places to Take a Field Trip

Winner: Santa Barbara Zoo

500 Ninos Drive

Santa Barbara, CA 93103

962.5339 x26

www.santabarbarazoo.org

Honorable Mention: Santa Barbara Museum of Natural History

2559 Puesta del Sol Rd.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

682.4711

www.sbnature.org

Honorable Mention: UCSB Marine Science Institute

893.3765

www.msi.ucsb.edu

Beach

Winner: Goleta Beach Park

5986 Sandspit Road

Goleta, CA 93117

967.1300

Park/Playground: TODDLER

Winner: Hidden Valley

This park, at Calle de Los Amigos and Torino Drive, is tailor-made for toddlers, with lawn, barbeque facilities and a great little playground, plus over 15 acres of creekside foliage and wildlife accessed by a walking path. The only downside: there’s no bathroom.

Honorable Mention: Willowglen Park

600 Willowglen Road

Honorable Mention: La Mesa Park

At Cliff Drive and Meigs Road

Honorable Mention: Chase Palm Park

East Cabrillo Boulevard at Garden Street

Honorable Mention: Hilda McIntyre Ray Neighborhood Park

1400 Kenwood Dr.

Honorable Mention: Goleta Beach Park

5986 Sandspit Road
Goleta, CA 93117

967.1300

Park/Playground: PRESCHOOL

Winner: Kids World

Located in downtown Santa Barbara at Garden and Micheltorena Streets, this park is a favorite for elementary school kids too, with whimsical community art contributions throughout the playground.

Honorable Mention: Chase Palm Park

This 10-acre facility on East Cabrillo Boulevard features fountains, creeks, a lagoon, carousel, snack bar and a Shipwreck Playground modeled after an ocean schooner from the turn of the century. The city-sponsored free Summer Concert series is also a favorite for families.

Camp 3-6 year olds

Winner: Zoo Camp (Santa Barbara Zoo)

500 Ninos Drive

Santa Barbara, CA 93103

962.5339 x48

www.santabarbarazoo.org

Honorable Mention: My Gym, Children’s Fitness Center

3888 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

563.7336

www.my-gym.com

Camp 6-12 year olds

Winner: Westmont Sports Camp (at Westmont College)

Westmont Summer Camps

955 La Paz Rd.

Santa Barbara, CA 93108

565.6010

www.westmont.edu/sports/summer_camps/camps.html

Honorable Mention: UCSB Camps

UCSB Department of Recreation

893.3913

www.par.ucsb.edu/youthprog/youthprog.html

Overnight Camp

Winner: YMCA Camp Arbolado

562.943.7241

www.ymcawhittier.org

Best Parent & Child Class

It was a tie between Kindermusik and My Gym, both of which offer great parent participation sessions for young children.

Winner: Kindermusik

1213 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

884.4009

www.kindermusik.com

Winner: My Gym, Children’s Fitness Center

3888 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

563.7336

www.my-gym.com

Afterschool Program

Winner: Girls Inc. of Greater Santa Barbara

531 E. Ortega St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93103

963.4017

www.girlsincsb.org

Honorable Mention: Creative Arts Inc.

681.1200

www.creativeartsinc.org

Sports Programs

Winner: AYSO Soccer

Goleta — 685.6806

Santa Barbara — 687.4134

www.soccer.org

Honorable Mention: Blaze Water Polo

Directors Beth Tompkins (637.0250) and Cathy Schreier (637.2040)

www.blazewaterpolo.com/

Tutoring Program

Winner: Dublin Learning Center

112 W. Cota St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

926.7122

Art Program

Arts Alive! a newcomer on the arts scene, and the Santa Barbara Museum of Art’s Ridley-Tree education program tied for the best children’s art program. Both offer a wide variety of well-loved classes for budding artists.

Winner: Arts Alive! Dance and Creativity Center

1 N. Calle Cesar Chavez

Santa Barbara, CA 93103

963.2278

www.artsalivesb.com

Winner: Ridley-Tree Education Center at McCormick House

1600 Santa Barbara St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

926.1661

Cooking Classes for Kids

Winner: Healthy Cooking with Kids

683.2525

www.healthycookingwithkids.com

Dance Classes

Winner: Gustafson Dance

322 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

965.6690

www.gustafsondance.com

Honorable Mention: Santa Barbara Jazz & Dance Academy

www.sbjda.com/company.html

Gymnastics Program

Winner: The Spirals Gymnastic Foundation

Robertson Gymnasium

University of California, Santa Barbara

968.2453

www.spiralsgymnastics.org

Honorable Mention: My Gym, Children’s Fitness Center

3888 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

563.7336

www.my-gym.com

Science & Marine Program

Winner: Santa Barbara Museum of Natural History

2559 Puesta del Sol Rd.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

682.4711

www.sbnature.org

Etiquette Program

Winner: Mind Your Manners

565.4149

www.mindyourmanners.biz

Swim Lessons

Winner: Wendy Fereday Swim School

964.7818

Honorable Mention: Wilson Swimming

964.7795

Water Sports Program

Winner: Blaze Water Polo

Directors Beth Tompkins (637.0250) and Cathy Schreier (637.2040)

www.blazewaterpolo.com/

Honorable Mention: UCSB Surf & Kayak Camp

893.3913

www.par.ucsb.edu/youthprog/surfcamp.html

Tennis Programs

Winner: Cathedral Oaks Athletic Club

5800 Cathedral Oaks Rd.

Goleta, CA 93117

964.7762

www.calwestgroup.com/coac

Honorable Mention: Santa Barbara Parks & Recreation classes

www.sbparksandrecreation.com

Best Travel Agent

Winner: AAA Travel Agency

3712 State St.

Santa Barbara, CA 93105

682.5811

www.aaa-calif.com

Best Local Hotel for Families

Winner: Four Seasons Biltmore Hotel

1260 Channel Dr.

Santa Barbara, CA 93108

969.2261

www.fourseasons.com

Check out the “Kids for All Seasons Program,” a complimentary service, where you can leave your child with counselors to dine at “The Raft” (poolside cafe) and do arts and crafts, games, and swimming. Friday night date nights are also available, where parents can leave their children to watch movies.

Honorable Mention: Harbor View Inn

28 W. Cabrillo Blvd.

Santa Barbara, CA 93101

963.0780

Honorable Mention: Fess Parker’s Doubletree Resort

633 E. Cabrillo Blvd.

Santa Barbara, CA 93103

564.4333

Can’t get enough? Look for more in-depth profiles of some of the Parent’s Choice Award-winning businesses in upcoming issues of the South Coast Beacon.

Did we miss anything? If there are categories you would like to see next year, or awards that you just plain disagree with, let us know by emailing opinion@scbeacon.com.

Special thanks to the following vendors who donated prizes for our drawing: This Little Piggy Wears Cotton – My Gym – SB Axxess Book – Ty Warner Sea Center – Books – Pizza Mizza – Jelly Photography – Due Maternity – Artesia Spa – Serafina

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on April 14, 2005.

Co-ops keep costs low, but you’ll have to work for it

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U.S. Air National Guard photo by SMSgt. David H. Lipp/Released, courtesy Wikipedia Commons.

U.S. Air National Guard photo by SMSgt. David H. Lipp/Released, courtesy Wikipedia Commons.

“There’s nothing like the parent co-ops to really educate parents and to support parents,” said Diane Gonzalez, assistant director of San Marcos Parent-Child Workshop, one of four cooperative preschools on the South Coast.

All four parent-child workshop programs — Lou Grant, Starr King, the Oaks and San Marcos — are part of Santa Barbara City College’s continuing education program. Each serves as a parent education program with a preschool program for 2- to-5 year-olds as a laboratory.

“It’s a great environment,” said Gonzalez, who was also a parent at Starr King. “I really found it such a supportive environment and so important to my parenting. … It’s what got me into child care and working with children, but also with parents, I found it such an incredibly supportive experience, and I don’t think I would have been the parent I was if I hadn’t been to co-ops.”

Costs are low — ranging from about $25 to $125 a month, depending on the school and how many days a week a child attends — but parental participation requirements are high. Parents must participate in the workshops at least one day a week and attend a weekly evening class in child growth and development and parenting skills.

“It’s not the kind of program that meets everybody’s needs,” said Bea Hamlin, director of the San Marcos Parent-Child Workshop, and a former co-op parent.

“I don’t think any school exists that 100 percent meets everybody’s needs. No matter how much you like it; it just doesn’t work that way.”

But for the families that can make it work, co-ops provide great parent education, as well as the foundation for many lifelong friendships.

“We’re really a family here,” said Gonzalez. “We work together and then we fund raise and we eat together.

“It really does become a very close-knit group of people, more than you’re going to find at a regular school.”

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on March 30, 2005.

A room of my own

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Photo courtesy Cinders in the Dark on Vimeo.

Photo courtesy Cinders in the Dark on Vimeo.

Last week I finally got the answer to the age-old mystery pondered by mothers everywhere: My son has been potty-trained for three years, when do I finally get to use the bathroom by myself?

The answer: When you go on a trip without him.

Last week I tagged along with my friend Cheryl Crabtree, a travel writer (and mom of two boys) who was updating the Central Coast section for Fodor’s Travel Guides. I was ostensibly working on a few travel stories for the Beacon, but mostly I was enjoying having someone else cook my meals (in restaurants with cloth napkins and no kids menus), make my bed (with 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets) and drive me around (OK, so Cheryl’s Camry is only slightly more glamorous than my Tercel, but at least she was behind the wheel). Most of all, I was luxuriating in my personal bathroom space.

Guilty thoughts flitted by as I lay soaking in a lavender-scented spa tub at the Ventana Inn & Spa in Big Sur, which is surely one of the most beautiful places on the planet.

I took a sip of my wine and a bite of a perfect strawberry, and watched the stars twinkle over the Pacific Ocean and thought: Here I am, starring in one of the most romantic scenes of my entire life, and my husband is hundreds of miles away, probably eating a Big Mac.

I should feel guilty he’s not here to enjoy this. No really, I should. Guilty. Wracked with it. Hmm.

But what were the odds of my husband being able to relax and enjoy an $800 hotel room?

Even though it was free, I knew he’d be stressing out about Koss breaking something. And if our son weren’t with us, we’d both be stressing out about whether he was okay without us.

All in all I’m much better equipped to enjoy this luxurious bathtub all by myself, I rationalized. He doesn’t even like massages, the rubber-boned freak. This would be wasted on him. Really, I’m doing him a favor.

Oh! Does that strawberry have chocolate on it!

After my bath I tried out the Jacuzzi on my own private patio. Again, it was heaven. Once upon another life, I had a Jacuzzi in my backyard, but it was hard to keep the leaves out, and with the ambient lights of the city, I could never see stars like the ones in Big Sur.

I spotted the Big Dipper, and thought about how excited Koss would be to see it. Santa brought him a telescope, but it’s hard to see stars from our backyard when it’s raining all the time.

Cheryl and I worked hard the next day, and I was exhausted when we finally arrived at the brand new Carlton Hotel, in downtown Atascadero of all places. When you walk in the door you feel like you’re in a first class Boston hotel, or maybe Washington, D.C. Very posiphisticated.

I couldn’t wait to take a bath.

At home, not a week goes by when I don’t come home from work, kick off my shoes and fantasize about a long, hot bath.

We barely have a shower in our teeny tiny rental house, and besides, I can’t even get through the first chorus of “Walking on Sunshine” without Koss having something incredibly important to tell me about his Pokemon cards.

The Carlton has another incredible, oversized spa tub. Between that and the chocolate strawberries, I was in heaven.

“This is the life,” Cheryl and I sigh, as we clink wine glasses and relax, uninterrupted by our real lives.

If I could just freeze time for that first hour of the day when I get home from work, I thought, not for the first time. Just to have an hour a day all to myself, preferably in a spa tub with my masseuse, Juan, no Brad. That would be perfect.

It’s not that I don’t love my son … and I really love that he still wants to be with me all of the time. But who knew when we finally potty-trained him that wouldn’t be the end of it. We’ve been working on privacy training ever since.

My third spa tub — at the Avila Village Inn in Avila Beach — was also heavenly, but the novelty was starting to wear thin. It was awfully quiet in my hotel room, and it sounded like I missed a really fun “attack of the Leprechauns” on Koss’s kindergarten classroom.

It’s hard for me to believe that for all the times I’d craved this peace and quiet and solitude, it only took a few days for me to crave the chaos of home and family. I laughed at what a wimp I’d turned into!

Then I thought about what a kick Koss would get out of the fireplace that goes on with just a flick of a switch and how much fun he would have ordering room service. I call him one more time, just to say goodnight.

I vow to remember his sweet little voice on the phone, the next time he bursts into my shower, seemingly just to annoy me.

I can hardly wait.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on March 24, 2005.

Kids put the squeeze on the boundaries of cuisine

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Photo by Mojpe, Pixabay.com.

Photo by Mojpe, Pixabay.com.

“When it comes to feeding your kids, everyone’s a critic,” warned my friend Lori.

Sure the food police may be creeping around cafeteria corners and leering at grocery carts, but I’ve come to realize that when it comes to kids and food, there are a lot more hypocrites than critics.

I, for one, am happy when my son eats at all.

Can he really be the only kid in the United States who has never — not a single day in his young life — managed to down the federally-recommended three servings of vegetables, two servings of fruit and two servings of milk per day?

And I’m told, by other concerned parents who are apparently better able to shove food into their children’s small orifices, that when he turns seven he’ll need even more fruits and vegetables. At this rate, he’ll need a broccoli I.V. and brussel sprout drip or he’ll never be able to catch up

Who are these kids that are eating all of these fruits and vegetables? I’ve certainly never met them.

I called the USDA, and they put me in touch with the five-year-old boy who actually follows all of their guidelines. His name is Oliver Q. Stump, and he lives in Denver, CO. He’s in great health, reading at a fourth grade level, and is exceptionally well mannered. However, I found him to be an exceedingly dull conversationalist.

Have a Butterfinger, Oliver. You need to lighten up.

The rest of us can only try. At their Valentine’s Day party, my son’s kindergarten class not only had cookies and cupcakes on the sign-up sheet, but also fruit and vegetables.

I was impressed. Unfortunately, none of the produce actually made it to the party, and I was surprised to find that when the kids opened their Valentine’s cards, at least half of them contained candy.

Were these the same moms that complained about unhealthy croutons in the school’s salad bar?

I had been buying red and pink foil chocolate concoctions for weeks, but it never would have occurred to me to share them with my son, let alone his classmates — and it’s not just because I don’t share chocolate.

While I’ve been following the progress of “healthy chocolate” research at Mars Inc. for years (according to the New York Times, dark chocolate Dove bars are now loaded with more cardiovascularly-friendly flavanols than many green teas), I know better than to make five-year-olds into lab rats.

I prefer my selective scientific gullibility to work only in my favor, not against the integrity of my son and his friends.

“I want to teach my kids that carrots are just as much of a treat as M & Ms,” said my friend Jody.

Good idea, though there’s a reason they never made Willy Wonka and the Rutabaga Factory into a movie.

If it actually worked, there would be a bunch of orange-tinted kids on the playground instead of a bunch of fat kids. For those of you who didn’t get the memo, or have been living under a rock for the past decade, this will be big news: Kids are eating too much junk food and not getting enough exercise.

In other words, they’re acting like adults.

“Can we go to McDonald’s for dinner, Mommy?” asks my son. “They have salads.”

This is how he tries to sell me on McDonald’s, with the temptation of a 12,000 calorie salad — for me. Nonetheless, “Would you actually eat something if I take you there?” I plead.

That’s how low the bar can drop in our house sometimes.

My son, who is five and weighs less than his three-year-old cousin, is almost never hungry. That is, unless he’s sucking up to Grandma or it’s time to go to bed. Then he suddenly gets an appetite.

Anyone who’s ever met me knows this is clearly not genetic.

Ever look up “food issues” in a psychology journal?

My mom was the one who gave me Tab in my fourth grade lunch box and gave out pencils on Halloween.

My dad was the one who made me the top seller every Girl Scout cookie season. He would eat them before I could even make the rounds of the neighbors, a weakness later discovered by the SBCC women’s volleyball team, who made a fortune by storing their fundraising candy bars in his office one year.

My husband is the tall, skinny guy who, after years of cutthroat “eat all your vegetables” contests with his siblings, has not had anything green pass his lips (other than a beer on St. Patrick’s Day) since he left home for college.

And I am the one who rejoiced at the healthy kids meal we recently had at Bubba Gump’s in Long Beach, which included carrot sticks and celery with the chicken strips and fries.

My heart went pitter-patter when Koss actually ate a carrot.

So what if he mistook it for a French fry, he still swallowed.

Like I said, the bar is low.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on March 3, 2005.

My life as a movie

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I did all of my best parenting before I had children.

I had a great “Leslie the Mom” movie going in my mind, where I was always impeccably groomed, incredibly patient, and my three perfect kids were always clean, well-rested and well-behaved — yet somehow not the least bit Stepford-like.

After spending some time at the film festival last week, I realized that making movies is kind of like raising a child.

“When you’re inspired, you have the dream and it’s perfect. Inspiration is perfect,” said Phantom of the Opera director Joel Schumacher, recalling a conversation he had with Woody Allen.

Then you get people involved, and it’s a whole other story.

You start out with a perfect, innocent infant. Ten little fingers, ten little toes and the sweetest little face you’ve ever seen. Your movie couldn’t get any better.

Then people start to give you notes on your project.

“Let him cry and he’ll feel insecure.”

“If you don’t let him cry he won’t learn to soothe himself.”

I know just how Schumacher felt on Batman Forever when the studio told him Nicole Kidman wasn’t sexy and the test audiences said she was too sexy.

Sometimes I wish I could just stamp a “child by Leslie Dinaberg” credit on my son’s head and feel secure in the notion that I directed his progress from infancy to adulthood. But I realize that idea is about as absurd as that “film by” credit you see on almost any movie these days.

As soon as you bring a child into the world you have all kinds of outside influences to contend with, and it’s up to you to filter the harmless things (Grandma gives him an extra cookie before bedtime — no biggie) from the dangerous things (friend’s dad falls asleep with lit cigarette while kids play with Uzi’s and lawn darts — biggie).

“You’ve got to trust your instincts, even when no one else agrees with you,” said Jeff Arch, who directed Dave Barry’s Guide to Guys.

Sometimes this involves acting like you think saying, “because I said so” is a satisfying answer to “but all the other kindergarteners are allowed to drink beer and drive their parent’s cars” — even if you’re faking it.

“The buck stops with you. You have got to give the impression that you know what you’re doing, even if you don’t, ” said Hotel Rwanda director Terry George.

Sure the buck may stop with me, but unless I want to raise a bubble boy, I need to realize that his friends, teachers, coaches, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even current events have parts to play.

Paying attention to those outside influences just makes sense. If nothing else, at you can share the blame with these other people when something goes wrong.

“You don’t have to take people’s advice or their suggestions, but I think if you don’t listen to them you’re a fool,” said Schumacher.

Of course, there are bound to be conflicts. If my husband and I can’t agree on everything, how could I possibly expect the rest of the world to fall in line with my childrearing philosophy?

Then there’s the reality that children have likes, dislikes and quirks just like the rest of us. I sometimes feel like a stranger in a strange land trying to catch my son’s enthusiasm for Bionicles and snakes, but I don’t have the heart to tell him I’d rather be reading about the sale of Jen and Ben’s engagement ring or Martha Stewart’s post-prison reality show. Unlike Schumacher, who said, “sometimes I read excellent scripts but I think I’m the wrong director,” I don’t have the option to pass on building a fort or playing dinosaur bingo because “we have artistic differences.”

Like the script that comes to life with the right actor in the role, my son has taught me more about what he needs than any other parent or parenting book possibly could. Sure I’m his toughest critic, but I’m also his best audience. I just hope he has a boffo opening weekend, as he’s my retirement plan.

As actor/director Kevin Bacon said, the thing about film festival audiences is that they are there because they love films. Their “enthusiasm is seductive,” and tapping into that enthusiasm is partially why you have film festivals in the first place.

While I probably won’t ever match my son’s enthusiasm for tarantulas or his affection for anacondas, the light in his eyes when I read to him is more than worth the slight nausea in my stomach.

And looking back at that first draft of the “Leslie the Mom” movie, it seems a little boring anyway.

Except maybe the well-rested thing.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon  on February 10, 2005.

New Babies Old Bonds

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Photo by Vera Kratochvil, publicdomainpictures.com.

Photo by Vera Kratochvil, publicdomainpictures.com.

You go in to the hospital a person and come out a parent. What does that really mean to the rest of your life.

The world really is created anew every time a child comes into it. Along with the boundless love, endless diapers and sleepless nights, parents should be prepared for changes in their relationships with their friends, their coworkers and the world at large.

Adjusting to having a baby in the house is just a small part of the equation. Sometimes the most difficult transitions can be in integrating that baby into the rest of your life.

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.” -John Wilmot

A common complaint from new parents and their friends, particularly those without children, is the distance that grows between them when a new baby comes along.

As one of the first in her group of friends to have children – and twins at that–Rachael Steidl said she felt uncomfortable at first.

“People would offer to either help or invite you over, or say just call us if you need help, but I never felt like I could take people up on it. It just felt like it was asking so much,” Steidl said.

“In hindsight now, when I’m in that position to do that for somebody else, I realize how sincere I am.”

Both new parents and friends should recognize that true friendships are mutual and the baby is part of the package from now on.

Now the mother of a 6-month-old son, Tracy Martin was in the opposite position from Steidl, as one of the last in her group to become a mom.

“(With my friends who have kids) I relate to that aspect of their life more. My biggest surprise after the baby came was how it didn’t matter to me that I was putting myself second. I can relate to that with my friends that have kids,” Martin said.

And as far as her friends without kids, Martin said, “people are pretty understanding. … I work to maintain my friendships, too. You can’t just bail on your life.”

“See the mothers driving down the street, see their makeup melting in the heat, straight from work, the pantyhose are tight, It’s take-out tonight.” -From the Frump song “We’re Really Beat”

Returning to work after you’ve been promoted to parent also requires some changes. Luckily employers are catching on.

“More bosses are realizing that when they help their employees manage the juggling act between work and family, they get happier, more productive workers in return,” said Sharon O’Malley, editor of Work/Life Today.

It’s amazing how productive you can be when you have to be, observed Katie Donald, a mother of two, who works a 32-hour week.

As new parents come to realize, “the less time you spend on unproductive work, the more time you can spend with your family,” O’Malley said.

Of course, prioritizing family time can sometimes mean giving up some of the more enjoyable parts of the workday, like dissecting the finer points of “Desperate Housewives.”

While coworkers–and the parents themselves–must adjust to a little less on-the-clock socializing, employers also need to realize new parents are not always available for last-minute projects.

“It’s really important to set your boundaries with your boss right away,” said Donald. “As long as your work doesn’t suffer, I think bosses are generally pretty understanding when your circumstances change. Especially if you’re willing to go the extra mile and take work home when necessary.”

“I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.” -Robert Orben

Where it is and is not appropriate to bring a young child is a big issue for many people.

“When my baby was really little, we took him pretty much anywhere. He went places a lot,” said Martin. Now that her son is 6 months old, she said she wouldn’t take him to “adult places” at this stage.

“He’s getting to the point where I don’t think it’s any fun for him – and we get a lot of stares from people. Like ‘oh, no, please don’t put me next to them,'” she said.

As Steidl learned, sometimes people do more than stare.

“We took our kids to movies as newborns … this one woman looked at me and said, ‘Well, I guess people just don’t care about exposing their kids to germs anymore,'” she recalled. “Luckily there was another parent …(who) made a nice little comeback to her.”

She continued, “Any time you’re going to take your kids to an adult situation like that, that as long as you’re willing to leave if it’s not working and not put other people into an uncomfortable position, that’s fine. But we had people just make the rudest comments.”

As for restaurants, all of the parents we spoke to recommended taking little ones “that make noise” only to family-friendly restaurants. There are plenty of good ones in Santa Barbara, said Steidl, who has a whole list of family-friendly places on her Web site, www.sbparent.com.

“I personally don’t think you show up at the Wine Cask, or Sage & Onion with little ones, when for so many people that’s a special night out for them and save up for those kinds of things.”

“Never have children, only grandchildren” – Gore Vidal

What could be better than finally being a grandparent? Not only do you have an adorable new baby to welcome and spoil, but if you play your cards right, your own children will finally start to appreciate you.

Want to be the best grandma or pop-pop on the block? Here are a few tips for making your house kid-ready. We’ll leave the spoiling to you.

= Stock the right size diapers and wipes. A change of baby clothes can’t hurt either.

= Until your grandchild is mobile, you don’t have to childproof your whole house, but do have a baby area ready.

= Portable activity mats are great diversions for little ones and compact cribs are the easy answer to “where is the baby going to sleep?”

= When you want to hold the baby all day, but your sciatic nerve says otherwise, bouncer seats are a great way to keep your grandchild healthy. Plus, it’s fun to watch them discover their toes.

= Volunteer to put the dog/cat/next door neighbor outside if they’re making the baby or her parents uncomfortable.

Finally, the best way to make your house child-friendly is to make it parent friendly, which means:

= Offer your son/daughter the chance to have some time alone with their spouse (or to take a nap!), but don’t be offended if they don’t take it.

= If you’re tempted to give unsolicited parenting advice, hold your tongue and count to 50. Still tempted? Bite your tongue and try counting again.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on February 3, 2005.

Great expectations not always timely

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Courtesy pexels.com.

Courtesy pexels.com.

Sometimes with childbirth, the real labor part comes at the beginning and not the end

Driving across town with a vial of my husband’s freshly spun sperm staying warm beneath my blouse, I thought, “I must really want to have a baby.”

After almost three years of trying to conceive, I would have hopped down State Street on stilts and squawked like a chicken if I thought it would help us have a baby.

I practically did.

At least that’s the way it felt during the almost three years it took for my husband’s stubborn sperm to finally stop and ask for directions to my “playing hard to get” eggs.

Only the “baby making challenged” can truly understand the lengths one will go to get pregnant. When I think of all the years I spent trying NOT to get pregnant, and then all of the late nights spent talking about whether the time was right, not being able to have a baby on board felt like the ultimate indignity.

Anyone who thinks that trying to have a baby sounds romantic and fun should “try” for a few years. We “baby making challenged” people know that too much of a good thing can be awful!

And we were amongst the lucky ones. We both had minor little problems that rated us a B- rather than an A+ on the baby-making scorecard, but according to all of the experts, there was no definitive medical reason why we couldn’t conceive.

Hence the years of poking, prodding, testing and temperature taking. I was buying early pregnancy tests in bulk at Costco, and after dozens of false alarms, believe me, one-liners are NOT as funny as you think. I could almost feel my biological clock going tick-tock as the weeks of trying turned into months and then years.

Meanwhile my eggs were getting older and I saw babies and pregnant women everywhere I went. They seemed to be multiplying by the minute as my childless friends dwindled.

The sperm cleaning procedures and subsequent intrauterine inseminations were but a few of the medical interventions we tried to get pregnant. I was seeing the doctor so often that feet in the stirrups felt like my normal seated position and sitting upright felt kind of weird.

When plain old prayers didn’t work, we turned to the spirit world. My friends Ramey and Debbi Echt sent me a Kokopelli necklace (a Hopi fertility symbol) they swore had safeguarded their pregnancies. I wore it religiously even though its flute scratched my chest and it didn’t go with half my clothes.

I “stirred with a fork to expect the stork” and ate all kinds of disgusting food combinations to encourage fertility.

When my mom swore that cleansing our house with a sage and smudge ritual would “purify the atmosphere for us to conceive,” my husband and I (who are normally first in line to mock this sort of thing) giggled our way through the house with burning twigs and even smoked up our cars for good measure.

We were willing to try just about anything, but we were starting to run out of options.

With no solid medical explanation for why I couldn’t conceive, I came close to exchanging my dream of becoming pregnant for the dream of adopting a baby.

Then we decided to take some time off and relax.

No more taking my temperature and checking my ovulation cycle. No more answering “day 15,” when someone asked me what that day’s date was. No more hallucinations that the entire world was populated with pregnant women and every time I picked up the phone it was someone else calling to tell me their good news.

When I was just about ready to write the book on “What to expect when you’re NOT expecting” something unexpected happened.

There were two blue lines on my pregnancy test. The most beautiful blue color I’ve ever seen. I swear my heart skipped a beat, and I thought to myself, “I must really want to have a baby.”

Leslie, proud mom of a 7-year-old boy, can be reached at email

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on November 4, 2004.