Tag Archives: South Coast Beacon

Fausett explains principal rotation idea

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Hope School parents were shaken last week when superintendent Gerrie Fausett announced plans to reassign all three of the district’s principals in the fall. So far, the other two schools, Monte Vista and Vieja Valley, appear to not be too stirred.

“It’s created quite an uproar at Hope School,” said Fausett, who became superintendent in January. “I have several calls from other schools saying that they understand. That they like their principal but that they understand the need to have a district perspective and the sharing the wealth with regard to what each principal can bring to the site.”

About 100 Hope parents protested at the district office May 27, the result of a hastily organized phone campaign after Fausett visited teachers at each school to make the announcement the day before. Letters also went out to parents explaining her decision to move Hope principal Patrick Plamondon to Monte Vista, Monte Vista principal Judy Stettler to Vieja Valley and Vieja Valley principal Barbara LaCorte to Hope.

Some Hope parents carried signs that read “Don’t tear the heart out of our school,” to which Fausett responded, “For me, the heart of the school has to do with teachers and students, and that’s what I look at when I try to make these difficult decisions.”

School board members are backing the decision but Fausett said she did not get their consent since the superintendent has the authority to assign management personnel.

Still, the scheduled June 6 board meeting should be a lively one. Hope parents held a meeting May 31 to plan strategy.

Vieja Valley parents were planning a June 1 forum on the decision. A note to parents from the PTA executive board stated, “One of the strengths of our Vieja Valley community is that we are a thoughtful, intelligent group of individuals. We try not to act (and react) purely on emotion, which does not usually lead to good decisions. We like to get the facts and hear various viewpoints.”

Monte Vista parents did not have any immediate organized effort.

Principal shakeups are not an anomaly on the South Coast. In 2001, Isla Vista and Foothill schools switched principals, as did El Rancho and Ellwood schools, according to Goleta Union School District assistant superintendent Daniel Cooperman. Goleta reassigned other principals in the 1980s, he said.

Fausett — who previously served as principal of Santa Barbara Junior High and Washington schools, as well as Santa Barbara’s assistant superintendent of elementary education — said the management moves would strengthen the district and had nothing to do with enrollment trends or closing a school.

“As … we’re working on curriculum or textbook adoption or whatever, Patrick will have the benefit of knowing two-thirds of the district instead of only one-third,” she said.

“It helps principals help superintendents make the right decisions.”

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on June 2, 2005.

Hope principals transferred

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Hope School parents were quite shaken last week when superintendent Gerrie Fausett announced her plans to reassign all of the district principals in the fall. But so far the other two district schools, Vieja Valley and Monte Vista, appear to not be too stirred.

“It’s created quite an uproar at Hope School,” said Fausett, who became superintendent in January. “I have several calls from other schools saying that they understand. That they like their principal but that they understand the need to have a district perspective and the sharing the wealth with regard to what each principal can bring to the site.”

About 100 Hope School parents gathered in protest at the district office Friday morning, as the result of a hastily organized phone campaign after Fausett visited teachers at each of the three school sites to make the announcement the day before. Letters also went out to parents explaining her decision to move Hope School principal Patrick Plamondon to Monte Vista School, Monte Vista School principal Judy Stettler to Vieja Valley School and Vieja Valley School principal Barbara LaCorte to Hope School.

Some of the Hope School parents carried signs that read “Don’t tear the heart out of our school,” to which Fausett responded, “For me, the heart of the school has to do with teachers and students, and that’s what I look at when I try to make these difficult decisions. I don’t believe that Patrick is the heart of a school, just like I was not the heart of Santa Barbara Junior High or Washington and that good things happen in the classroom where teachers and kids interact and that’s what it’s all about.”

Fausett stressed that the decision was not made lightly. “As a superintendent you’re hired to make some really tough decisions. This is a decision that has been really tough. I knew it would be tough, and yet, I’m not going about it light heartedly at all, I’ve given it a lot of thought.

School board members are backing the decision but Fausett said she did not get their consent. “The policy says the superintendent shall assess the needs of the district and assign management personnel to meet that need. It is something that the board knew that I was planning, but I didn’t necessarily ask them for their approval or anything,” she said.

Still, the regularly scheduled June 6 board meeting should be quite a lively one. Hope School parents held a meeting May 31 to plan strategy.

Vieja Valley parents were planning a forum on June 1 to provide an opportunity for people to voice their opinions in a “neutral environment.” A note to parents from the PTA Executive Board stated, “One of the strengths of our Vieja Valley community is that we are a thoughtful, intelligent group of individuals. We try not to act (and react) purely on emotion, which does not usually lead to good decisions. We like to get the facts and hear various viewpoints.”

Monte Vista parents did not have any kind of an organized effort as of press time.

This type of principal shakeup is not an anomaly on the South Coast. In 2001, Isla Vista School and Foothill School switched principals, and El Rancho School switched with Ellwood, according to Goleta Union School District assistant superintendent Daniel Cooperman. Goleta also made some other principal reassignments in the 1980s, he said.

Fausett — who previously served as principal of Santa Barbara Junior High, principal of Washington School and as Santa Barbara’s Assistant Superintendent of Elementary Education — characterized the management move as something that’s common in both the private and public sectors.

“I’ve had the experience of being moved from one place to the other and though it’s not necessarily something that you welcome and embrace all the time, but what happens is that once you get settled and started with the new school year and you realize that there are great parents and great kids all over this district and I think our principals need that benefit,” she said. “It benefits our students, but it’s going to benefit our principals as well.”

Asked if the decision to move the principals had anything to do with declining enrollment or closing one of the schools, Fausett said that was not a factor and that the moves are to strengthen the district. “As we’re in principal meetings and we’re working on curriculum or textbook adoption or whatever, Patrick will have the benefit of knowing two-thirds of the district instead of only one-third … it helps principals help superintendents make the right decisions.”

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on June 2, 2005.

Disneyland never gets old

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Sleeping Beauty Castle at Disneyland Resort, Anaheim CA, courtesy Wikipedia Commons.

Sleeping Beauty Castle at Disneyland Resort, Anaheim CA, courtesy Wikipedia Commons.

Magic Kingdom brings out the kid within

Outrageous prices, long lines, and theme park feet aside, taking a child to Disneyland for the first time is still an E-ticket ride. While my 5-year-old son Koss is a seasoned Disney veteran, his cousin Jordan recently celebrated her fourth birthday with Mickey and friends at what was, for her, truly the happiest place on earth.

Of course my brother-in-law, Brian, would have rather had a root canal — but some people don’t recognize fun even when it’s screaming in their ear.

I, on the other hand, love Disneyland with an almost geek-like passion. My fervor would be more than “almost geek-like” if I were talking about vanilla lattes or Chuck’s Mai Tais, but with mouse-maniacs rivaled only by trekkies in their fanaticism, my enthusiasm is relatively tame.

Sure, I make my family wear the same color shirts when we go there, but it’s not like we have “Dinaberg Family Disneyland Trip” t-shirts printed up like the Densmore family did, and it’s not like we’ve fashioned our old curtains into Butterick Pattern Nos. 1187-1199 like the Von Trapp family. No, that would be ridiculous. At least, not until after I finish my sewing class.

My obsession certainly doesn’t reach the heights of the Krock’s, who created a website about “the happiest potties on earth” (www.mouseplanet.com/potties/). While it’s a truly brilliant site, and would have been useful when Koss was a baby and I gracefully managed to spill an entire strawberry slushie on his tushie and then used the very last diaper in all of Disneyland to clean him off, I’m not that obsessive.

Still, my heart starts thumping a little faster as we pull into the lot, and it’s not just because of the $37 parking fee — I love Disneyland.

I’m probably the only person to have enjoyed visiting Walt Disney World and Epcot Center solo, on more than one occasion. (OK, so I was there on business, but I still bought — and wore — the mouse ears.)

I couldn’t help reflect on how well my son and his cousin Lauren would have fit in at Tokyo Disneyland where all sense of personal space is eclipsed by a strange need to fit as many people in as small a space as possible. I know that Disneyland can sometimes feel like the most peopled place on earth, but trust me, anywhere in the U.S. would feel spacious in comparison to Tokyo Disneyland.

I bet Brian’s head would explode if we made him go there.

Jordan’s eyes turned to saucers as she watched the teacups spin. New things come and go in the real world with alarming frequency, but everything in Fantasyland is just where I left it when I was 4. I can almost see my lip print on Dumbo’s ear and my Grandpa Alex’s belly jiggling as he danced along with the birds in the “Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room,” and just about hear my dad singing “It’s a Small World After All.” Oh — never mind. That really is my dad singing “It’s a Small World After All.” Some things you don’t have to remember, you can just relive them over and over again. Like, “It’s a small world after all, it’s a small world….” I must stop now.

One of the greatest things about being a parent is getting to re-experience magic through the eyes of a child. Watching their responses was often more entertaining than whatever it was they were watching. Lauren wanted to dance with the prince in the “Snow White” stage show, Jordan tried to pick a fight with some of the pirates in the Caribbean, and Koss believed that Buzz Lightyear remembered him from their last hug and photo op.

I guess it is a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small, small…No! Stop it!

It certainly feels like a small world when a woman I don’t recognize spots me in line and asks me, “Are we going to read about this in the Beacon?” I’m not sure whether to feel flattered to get recognized or guilty because she busted me for taking my son out of school.

“It’s my sister’s fault,” I want to say. “She didn’t want to fight crowds on a weekend.” And really what I mean, if you’re reading this and you happen to be the principal at Vieja Valley, is that he was very sick that day with a fever of 112. Or, at least a massive stomachache from all the $12 boxes of popcorn that grandma bought him.

Jordan’s chubby little legs bounce along to the Lion King’s “Hakuna Matata,” landing her on her rump every so often. She laughs out loud just because she’s 4 and in her world this is nothing short of nirvana. Even Brian cracks a smile, and I feel grateful to have a glimpse back to feeling that way.

Though my theme park feet are asleep after the long drive home, and I’m too tired to wash the theme park film (saturated fat, sunscreen, sweat and spilled sugar) off my body, laying in my own somewhat lumpy bed next to my own somewhat grumpy husband is actually the happiest place on earth.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on June 2, 2005.

Giving it his all—COMMUNITY BEACON: Larry Crandell

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Santa Barbara’s favorite emcee has helped raised millions of dollars for local causes. But he can’t be outbid when it comes to community service.

His stationery (created by a 7-year-old admirer) reads, “From the desk of Mr. Santa Barbara, Mr. Montecito & the Godfather of Goleta, the one and only Larry Crandell.” But to most of us, he needs no introduction.

Even if you haven’t had the pleasure of his company one on one, you’ve no doubt seen him on stage, tirelessly raising money for causes ranging from the YMCA, the Boys & Girls Clubs, Hospice, the PARC Foundation, Transition House, the Santa Barbara Athletic Round Table and just about every other nonprofit organization in town.

Crandell estimates he is the master of ceremonies or auctioneer for about 100 charity events a year.

“I have a test. If I’m asked, I do it,” said the decorated World War II bombardier.

If people don’t know Crandell from his carrying of the philanthropic torch, they could certainly recognize him from when he carried the Olympic Torch in 2002, or be acquainted with him through his wife of 54 years, Marcy, or his five children — Larry Jr., Michael, Ashley (now deceased), Steven and Leslie — all of whom were raised in Santa Barbara.

Showing off pictures from his days playing basketball at Syracuse University, where the twinkle in his eye is immediately recognizable even 60 years later, Crandell proudly jokes that his five children, who went to Stanford University and UCSB, weren’t smart enough to follow in his academic footsteps.

Having already launched a successful software company with son Michael, Crandell is developing a new venture with Steven. There could be no better ambassador into the Santa Barbara business community than Larry Crandell, who has hobnobbed with just about everyone.

“When you’ve worked with a common cause there’s a camaraderie that you can’t do just by socializing, so I have access that I think I have the confidence to follow,” he said.

A degree of separation away from Crandell are the many celebrities with whom he’s done events, including Michael Douglas and Dennis Miller.

Humoring local philanthropists like Paul Ridley-Tree, who Crandell jokes is a special man, “he’s bid over $3 million, but he’s never bought anything,” is also a part of his repartee.

“My routine doesn’t change very much,” he admitted. “My secret is to keep changing audiences.

“I feel as though I’m on a victory tour, like a retiring athlete, only I don’t go anywhere and people treat me kindly.

“… At 82, life is sweet, I guess is the best way to put it.”

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on June 2, 2005

La Cumbre principal goes recruiting

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La Cumbre Junior High, courtesy SBUnified.

Touting a closer-knit junior high community, one school aims to turn tide of enrollment

The vibe is different at La Cumbre Junior High these days. While the enrollment numbers are still down, new principal Jo Ann Caines’ dynamic energy seems to be resonating, at least with the people who know the native Santa Barbaran.

Students at Adams School (where she was principal until a few months ago), once a symbol for white flight, are now flocking to La Cumbre.

While only about 450 of the approximately 600 eligible students will attend La Cumbre in the fall, “the composition of our student body is going to be drastically different,” said Caines, “with more of the middle-income and middle- and high-achieving students that didn’t come here before.

“We’ve turned a huge corner thanks to Adams School,” she said, with all but 11 of the more than 100 sixth-graders planning to attend La Cumbre. “So while we’ll be very similar in size, we’ll be hugely different.”

This fall, Caines and assistant principal Jorge Fulco will concentrate on Monroe and Washington schools. Caines has even recruited an Adams fourth-grade parent, Katie Parker, to help her with the outreach.

“Jorge and I have been on the road since Feb. 1 doing outreach,” Caines said. “We gave more tours here … than they have in the prior five years combined.”

Of course, pitching the school is one thing, but telling a compelling story is another — and Caines certainly has one with her reorganization plan.

It might seem to be by design that, when Santa Barbara Community Academy upper-grade students move to La Cumbre’s campus in the fall, the junior high will begin to implement a core knowledge learning community that builds on the same concepts the academy has used successfully. But Caines said she did her research on the core knowledge curriculum (a sequenced, coherent program that uses a grade-by-grade core of common learning) prior to the school board’s decision to move the academy there.

Caines also has a Gifted and Talented Education (GATE)/pre-advanced placement learning community planned, a liberal arts/college preparatory group, and an intensive English development/newcomers community similar to the successful program she implemented at Adams.

Caines emphasized that the communities — which will be separated geographically to make it easier on students — are not tracks.

“Students can participate in any one that they choose or they qualify for,” she said.

Each student will also have a homeroom class where she hopes the smallness of the school will work to its advantage.

“Teachers will not only know their students but the students in that community,” she said.

The staff is coming on board after what Caines characterized as lots of “not easy” discussions.

“Change is hard,” she said. “They’ve been through four principals in two years, so it’s hard to say, ‘Is this really a change or is it going to be different next month kind of thing?’ So what I said to teachers is if it’s not a match for you then you should put in for a transfer because part of what I’m doing is building a new team, and more than anything I want people to be here because they want to be here.”

Three teachers have put in for transfers, but Caines said others are anxious to come to the school because of the new programs.

“Let’s be real. If you asked 100 adults about junior high, 97 of them will say they hated junior high,” she said. “It’s all about friends … Even though we’ll do outreach to the parents, … we’re going to put a lot of energy into the kids, because kids really do decide …They want to go where their friends are.”

Blurred boundaries

Transfers are one of the hot topics of discussion where school needs are concerned. When students transfer in from other districts, the district gets additional money, but intra-district transfers don’t change the funding and campuses like La Colina Junior High (which had only 591 students in 1993-94 and was up to 1,027 students in 2004-05) are getting overcrowded while campuses like La Cumbre Junior High (which had 1,030 students in 1993-94 and now has 433 students) have empty rooms..

Here’s a snapshot look at where secondary students are going (all figures are from the 2004-05 school year):

Junior High

Goleta Valley Junior High School

Incoming: +21 students from other districts; +48 students from within the district (total +69)

Outgoing: -1 student to other districts; -79 students to another school in the district (total -80)

La Colina Junior High School

Incoming: +29 students from other districts; +250 students from within the district (total +279)

Outgoing: -0 students to other districts; -50 students to another school in the district (total –50)

La Cumbre Junior High School

Incoming: +14 students from other districts; +41 students from within the district (total +55)

Outgoing: -2 students to other districts; -257 students to another school in the district (total –259)

Santa Barbara Junior High School

Incoming: +43 students from other districts; +154 students from within the district (total +197)

Outgoing: -2 students to other districts; -107 students to another school in the district (total –109)

High School

Dos Pueblos High School

Incoming: +74 students from other districts; +218 students from within the district (total +292)

Outgoing: -0 students to other districts; -101 students to another school in the district (total –101)

San Marcos High School

Incoming: +61 students from other districts; +325 students from within the district (total +386)

Outgoing: -7 students to other districts; -382 students to another school in the district (total –389)

Santa Barbara High School

Incoming: +151 students from other districts; +268 students from within the district (total +319)

Outgoing: -7 students to other districts; -328 students to another school in the district (total –335)

— Source: PAT SALEY

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on June 2, 2005.

Vieja Valley wins Math Superbowl

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With enough intensity and focus to rival many professional athletes, 431 “mathletes” from 37 local schools competed last week at the 24th Annual South Coast Math Superbowl.

Vieja Valley School took the top prize, defeating 2004 champion Washington School. Kellogg School was in third place, followed by Monte Vista, Cold Spring and Hope Schools.

Each school uses its own screening process to choose the participating mathletes.

At Monte Vista, for example, coach Kim Barney said the entire top math group is given a test to qualify. “I take the top 12 and work with them for about two weeks and then they take another qualifying test and weed it down to five, four team members and one alternate.”

Each school was allowed to field three four-person teams of fourth, fifth and sixth graders. The overall team scores were made up of a combination of individual multiple choice test scores and a team test. There was also a hands-on activity, with separate awards, where teams were challenged to build the tallest freestanding structure they could out of straws, washers and string.

While team members can vary from year to year, Monte Vista’s sixth grade team of Ben Bordofsky, Ryan Gilmore, Johnny Manzo, Ben McKenzie and Amy Ransohoff has been competing together since fourth grade, with the alternates alternating from year to year.

“They’re very motivated to win. They want it again,” said their teacher and coach Lila Allen. The team won in fourth grade and came in second last year, but alas, this year they placed third. They did get a little consolation, however when Bordofsky, Manzo, McKenzie and Ransohoff each won individual medals (Gilmore was the 2005 alternate and not eligible).

Plus, they got the added benefit of “going out for pizza afterward and higher test scores,” laughed Barney.

The winning sixth grade team was from Washington, with Vieja Valley in second place, followed by Monte Vista, Adams, Kellogg and Hope School.

The fifth grade winning team was from Kellogg, followed by Vieja Valley, Washington, Mountain View, Monte Vista and Montecito Union tied for fifth place, and Cold Spring was in sixth place.

Vieja Valley won the fourth grade title, followed by Cold Spring, Kellogg, Washington, Hope and Monte Vista schools.

Hosted by Montecito Union, Cold Spring and Peabody Charter schools the Santa Barbara County Education Office, and Raytheon Vision Systems, representatives awarded individual Olympic-style medals to:

4th Grade School

1st Hanah Koper Vieja Valley

2nd Helen Yang Adams

3rd Eugene Cho Kellogg

4th Agnetta Cleland Vieja Valley

4th Kevin Hempy Vieja Valley

4th Kyle Mayfield Cold Spring

5th Alex Kolarczyk Washington

5th Colin Fristoe Cold Spring

5th Rishika Singh Kellogg

6th Sedric Kim Mountain View

5th Grade School

1st Devin Pearson Adams

2nd Vy-Luan Huynh Kellogg

3rd Ryne Cannon Santa Ynez

4th Thanh-Liem Huynh-Tran Crane

4th Sadnie D’Arcy Montessori

4th Connie Wang Brandon

5th Laura Voyen Kellogg

5th Jackie Botts Mountain View

5th Chloe Warinner Monte Vista

5th Astron Liu Monte Vista

5th Annie Thwing Vieja Valley

6th Avery Schwartz Montecito Union

6th Janine Wilson Kellogg

6th Jake Moghtader Cold Spring

6th Tim Cronshaw Montecito Union

6th Nicholas Carney Monroe

6th Grade School

1st Peter Bang Vieja Valley

2nd Dillon Kraus Washington

2nd Noah Connally Adams

2nd Fabian Chacon Kellogg

2nd Nicholas Below Washington

2nd Ellen Gleason Hope

2nd Qsi Tran Montecito Union

2nd Robie Behlman Adams

3rd Ben Bordofsky Monte Vista

3rd Danny Zandona Washington

3rd Jordan Carlson Adams

3rd Annie Lefley Kellogg

4th Chloe Hughes Roosevelt

4th Matt Swann Hope

4th Johnny Manzo Monte Vista

4th Louis Warne Vieja Valley

5th Cong Dinh Brandon

5th Michael Shaner Brandon

5th Ben McKenzie Monte Vista

5th Nicole Ferrel Roosevelt

5th Melinda Wilson Ballard

5th Kelly Kosmo Mountain View

5th Carly Biedul Crane

5th Sebastian Gomez-Devine Peabody Charter

5th Sergey Sushchikh Isla Vista

5th Simon Manson-Hing Washington

5th Kayvoh Mazooji Peabody Charter

5th Jason Lew May Grisham

5th Amber Wang Ellwood

6th Christian Mkpado Vieja Valley

6th Amy Ransohoff Monte Vista

6th Al Vorosmarthy Isla Vista

6th Aislinn Dunne Cold Spring

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on May 26, 2005.

Bishop High separates from archdiocese

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Setting an independent course for its future, Bishop Garcia Diego High School officially became the first school in Southern California (and one of only a few in the nation) to separate from its governing archdiocese and become an independent, private Catholic high school on May 24, commemorating the announcement with an assembly for students and the press.

Dubbed as “a brand new day for Bishop High,” the principal, Rev. Thomas J. Elewaut, C.J., said that the board of trustees would take over the management of the high school. “We are all committed to ensure a Catholic tradition of Christian secondary education here in Santa Barbara,” he said at the assembly, where leaders of the archdiocese formally signed over the building.

The school began in 1932 as Catholic High and became Bishop Garcia Diego High School in 1959. Elewaut characterized the new management model as a sequel, stating, “It is now commonly accepted that blockbuster movies will have sequels. It is also well known that for sequels to be successful they must carry the moviegoer to new places.”

The board of trustees — which includes Patricia Aijian, John Ambrecht, Keith Berry, David Borgatello, Randal Clark, Eileen Curran, Peter Da Ros, John Gherini, Sr. Angela Hallahan, John Hebda, Carol Hoffer, Ralph Iannelli, Barbara Najera, Carla O’Neill, Lynette Patters and B. Williams — has been open with the community about its intentions to take over Bishop High’s management for more than a year, frequently publishing letters which address the changes in governance. The group has also stated that financial assistance will be made available, on a sliding scale, to every family that cannot afford full tuition of $8,500.

According to Elewaut, “We have celebrated 100 percent college admission by our graduates since 2002. This is our inheritance and our legacy to the future students of Bishop Garcia Diego High School.”

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on May 26, 2005.

Rediscovering my princess pride

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The New Girl, by JD Hancock, courtesy Flickr.com.

The New Girl, by JD Hancock, courtesy Flickr.com.

Boy, oh boy, it’s great to have a girls day

I have to admit, I was looking forward to doing something girly for a change. It’s not that I don’t love being a “boy mom,” but there’s a distinct void of sparkly shoes, turreted castles and pretend weddings in my life, and quite frankly, I miss it. I enjoy being a girl.

I get “pouffy party dress envy” at Easter time, when my nieces flounce around in their fancy fashions, while my son stuffs his face and dirties his khakis with chocolate. And don’t even get me started on those Nutcracker performances at Christmas.

So when my sister asked me to stand in for her at a Washington School Mommy & Me tea party last weekend, I jumped at the chance to embrace all that is pink, delicate and flowery, and play “girl mom” for a day. I am girl, hear me giggle.

I had my first clue that I was entering an alternate universe when we got in the car.

“Your chariot awaits,” I announced, trying to get into the spirit of princess culture.

“Roll up the windows,” commanded six-year-old Princess Lauren, as I strapped her into the back seat. “I don’t want to mess up my hair.”

“It’s 80 degrees outside,” I said.

“But we’re going to get our picture taken. Doesn’t your air conditioning work?” she said impatiently.

“Not really, your highness. But the hairbrush in my purse does.”

Crisis averted. But I was definitely out of my league. Many of the women at the party were wearing heels, hose and hats. Haven’t they read that pantyhose can give you brain tumors? It’s in print. Right here. At least it wasn’t the 70s, when my mom would dress us in matching outfits. I tried that once with my son. Another dollar in the therapy jar.

Lauren fluffed her hair and checked my lipstick before we posed for our souvenir photo (next to an artfully arranged tea set). At this point, I looked around for the unicorn to escort us down a trail of fairy dust. Instead, one of our hostesses, Eileen Ochsner, offered us the chance to buy raffle tickets.

“It wouldn’t be Washington if we didn’t try to gouge you one more time,” she joked, as I forked over the last of my cash. Lauren drooled over the girly girl treasures we had just bought the chance to win.

When we got to the backyard (unicornless, unfortunately) Lauren disappeared faster than Cinderella’s coach at midnight. I found her in the crafts area, buried in a sea of pink frosting. The girls were surprisingly well behaved, passing the sprinkles and gems back and forth. I had a brief flashback to my son’s boisterous Halloween cookie decorating (“Pass the pumpkin. Thwomp! … To my hand, not my hair…”).

Very impressive! I wondered if these girls had enrolled in the World of Disney princess class I had read about where Cinderella’s beautiful friend, Lady Seraphina, educates starry-eyed pupils in the four Princess Principles — intelligence, grace, thoughtfulness and honesty. I think Sneezy, Grumpy, Bashful and Dopey were busy that day.

Feeling like a bad feminist, I whispered to one of my cohorts: “I totally get the princess thing. Look how cute they are.”

And they were, absolutely precious. I could almost see invisible tiaras on their freshly curled hair. They were precious in a way that little boys, well … little boys just aren’t. I adore my son and it’s hard enough to keep him clean, so please don’t ever let on that I actually find him cuter when he’s covered in dirt and grass stains than when he gets dressed up.

I coo a little over the ladybug bracelet Lauren just made, as one of the teachers comes up to admire her dress and tell her how pretty she looks.

She beams.

She is pretty, and enjoys being so, which makes me feel both proud and protective over her, as I remember what teenage boys — and preteen girls — can be like. Right now her dressing up is sweet and it’s innocent and it’s a long way from Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, but still, a part of me wants to shout, “and she’s good at math and science too.”

What am I so worried about, I wonder? Lauren is hardly prissy, and she knows she’s smart, as well as pretty. “Princess power,” she jokes with her friends, as they connect the bracelets they just made.

I say a silent prayer that she’ll hold on to her confidence. Studies say that girls’ self esteem peaks at age 9. Another found that 46 percent of high school boys and only 29 percent of high school girls reported being “happy the way I am,” which makes me feel both happy and a little guilty to be happy that I’m a “boy mom.”

“Stay happy little girls,” I want to tell them. You can be anything that you want to be. Hold on to those invisible tiaras.

Lauren and I clink our teacups — with pinky’s out — and say, “cheers to princess power.” Here’s hoping it lasts.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on May 19, 2005.

Taking a vacation from my guilt trips

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Not Guilty by Ged Carroll, courtesy Flickr.com.

Not Guilty by Ged Carroll, courtesy Flickr.com.

I’m doing the right thing. Or am I?

I was raised on a diet of guilt, albeit one well seasoned with plenty of humor (a caveat I added so that I wouldn’t feel too guilty when my mother reads this). Guilt is so deeply embedded into my DNA that I really thought it would be the one aspect of motherhood I would have mastered in advance. After all, I’ve spent most of my life making important decisions based on the avoidance of future guilt (Can the dentist really tell if I skip one night of flossing? I’d rather watch The O.C., but what if Joey gets canceled because I stopped watching?).

I hear a lot of voices in my head, and while my mother’s is one of the loudest, I’m also haunted by Humphrey Bogart’s warning at the end of Casablanca: “If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.”

Of course, if I were Ingrid Bergman I would have felt guilty for even having the discussion about leaving my husband, especially outside in the rain, where I could have caught a cold and died, thus ruining my mother’s life.

Yet, despite so many years of guilty woulda coulda shoulda dress rehearsals in my head, I continue to be surprised by how entwined guilt is with motherhood.

I’m still reeling from last week’s doozy.

My husband and I went to Soho to hear a friend sing, a rare night out in adult world, while unbeknownst to us (cell phones only work if you can hear them ring) our son was vomiting — for several hours — all over grandma’s house.

My poor baby! My poor mom! Her poor carpet! My stomach still hurts from feeling guilty over my mistreatment of all three of them. Of course, my overdeveloped gag reflex doesn’t help.

While the part of me that hears voices is convinced that people with clear consciences have bad memories, or are just plain delusional, the more rational part of me has decided that all of this guilt has got to go. Therefore, this Mother’s Day (while part of me was enjoying being with my family and part of me was wishing I could be at a spa, with Sven the masseuse) I resolved that there are certain things I will no longer feel guilty about. The list includes:

1. Working full time. Yeah right, who am I kidding? Even though my husband stays home with our son, I am convinced that I could be doing a better job if I were the one to say home, which of course, I feel terribly guilty for even thinking about when he’s such a great father.

2. Being more lenient with my son than I should be on the weekends, because I want our time together to be fun. (Yeah sure. Want to lay odds on that one?)

3. Gelt guilt: the Jewish version of spending the weekend buying things for your child because you worked all week and you want your time together to be fun.

Clearly I’m aiming a bit too high — or I’m a total failure at guilt alleviation, which makes me feel simultaneously terrible and guilty. Maybe I should ease into this less ambitiously. From here on I resolve to not feel guilty:

4. About lusting after my childless friends’ bank accounts and social calendars.

5. That my son’s favorite song is “Psycho Killer” instead of “Requiem in D Minor.”

6. Taking that first, wonderful sip of my latte and feeling like a terrible mom for enjoying it when I could have stayed home with my son for five minutes longer instead.

7. That we let our son watch TV in the morning so we can sleep “just a little longer.”

8. That I sometimes pretend to be asleep in the hopes that my husband will get up with our child in the middle of the night.

9. That I sometimes pretend to be asleep in the hopes that my husband will not get up with me in the middle of the night.

10. That I pray I’ll be the only one home when I pull into the driveway.

11. … Then am annoyed that I rushed from work and there’s nobody there.

12. Doing a little happy dance when I go to work and my husband has to worry about what to feed our little darling for breakfast.

13. That my husband and I spend the majority of our date nights talking about our son, and not about things like “Requiem in D Minor.”

14. For feeling guilty and then blaming it on my DNA or the voices in my head.

15. Picturing my child telling his analyst about me one day.

16. … Then putting money in a therapy jar every time I do something I know he will tell his analyst about.

There, I actually feel better.

Or at least I will when I get home and put $16 in the therapy jar for writing this column.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on May 12, 2005.

Family united, a world apart

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At home in Santa Barbara, proud mom soldiers on

Winning her own war against worry on the domestic front, longtime military wife Janet (Barens) Flatebo is keeping the home fires burning in Santa Barbara while her husband, son and daughter-in-law are all stationed in Iraq.

She and her husband, Gene Flatebo, both grew up in Santa Barbara. They met at a Sadie Hawkins Dance at San Marcos High, where her father, John Barens, was vice principal. They fell in love and married soon after Janet’s graduation in 1976.

At that point, Gene was already in the Marines, which he soon left to join the Army. When their twin sons, Luke and Richard, were only 5 months old, Gene was assigned to Livorno, Italy.

“I guess I had to grow up really fast,” said Janet, who gave birth to a daughter, Trina, soon after the twins. “I had three kids at age 21 and we were out of the country.”

As Gene moved up the ranks — “he was in the 82nd Airborne, he was Special Forces, he was in Delta, he was a path finder, he was a jump master, and he was in a unit, it’s called a black unit, kind of like the Delta and Special Forces” — the young family moved with him.

Italy and Berlin were some of Janet’s favorite assignments, she said, “because your friends became your family, and they are still your friends today.”

While most of the Army wives she “grew up with” have husbands who have retired and gone on to civilian jobs, Gene, who retired from the Army 11 years ago as a chief warrant officer (CW2), works for Halliburton subsidiary KBR. He volunteered for Iraq in February and will be there “at least another year.” She plans to rendezvous with him in Greece in August.

Meanwhile, she keeps company with her widowed mother, Jean Barens, and stays busy working as a registered dental assistant for Dr. Michael W. Thompson.

While still difficult, being apart has gotten easier thanks to improved communication. When Gene was in the first Persian Gulf War, Janet recalled, “I got maybe two phone calls from him, they were $50 each. … Now he calls every other day.”

Her son, Luke, an Army sergeant stationed at Camp Victory in Baghdad, and his wife, Tina, a staff sergeant stationed in Remagen in Tikrit, e-mail frequently, and even have Web cameras.

“They’ll be there a year to 18 months,” said Janet. Prior to Iraq they were stationed in Korea.

As difficult as it is to have family members so far away and in danger, Janet treasures her life as a military wife. “It was a great life. I would do it all over again,” she said.

And for others, who are just beginning on that path, she advised them to pray, keep busy and not watch too much TV.

“You have to laugh a lot and always support the person who is in harm’s way. Try not to complain … as they are just as worried about you,” she said.

“Also thank anyone who is in the military … if you know anyone who has a loved one in the military let them also know that you are grateful that they are serving our country and keeping us free.

“I don’t think the military hears that enough.”

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on May 12, 2005.