Yearly Archives: 2008

Rumbling about Taxes

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Photo by Arvind Balaraman

Photo by Arvind Balaraman

It wasn’t a coincidence that there was an earthquake Monday night just a few minutes after we e-filed our tax returns. There’s always a bit of rumbling when I do my taxes–or more accurately, when my husband does my taxes for me.

Not everyone understands the intricacies of my professional life as a columnist and all of the legitimate expense write-offs that I am entitled to. Luckily my husband and I are on the same page here: we believe that as loyal U.S. citizens we have the obligation to prepare our tax returns with the same level of consistency and creativity that Congress shows in spending our money.

I think we’ve finally got it down to a science.

The first step, year after year, is for my husband to buy a tax-deductible copy of TurboTax at Costco, bring it home, spend seven hours trying to put it on the computer, and then declare that, “our electronics are all obsolete and there’s absolutely no way we can do our taxes without buying a new computer.” Thank God it’s a business expense.

Once the technical support side is taken care of, which usually takes a few weeks for Zak to kick the tires of different operating systems, laptops versus desktops, etc., the next step for my husband is grumbling about my accounting system. I honestly don’t understand what his problem is. Whenever my purse feels extra heavy, I empty out all of the receipts into a snazzy little gift bag labeled “receipts.” There is no reason to uncrumple them or sort through them at this point, since it’s much more fun to do it every year in April. Or so he tells me.

For example, last year, during our fun-filled, nine-hour receipt sorting session, my husband invented seven extremely colorful phrases, which later showed up in my columns, thus making the case of Firestone he consumed during his “recovery period” 100% deductible this year.

And by the way, that snazzy little gift bag filing system was purchased from the PTA at my son’s school: another tax deduction!

Once the receipts are sorted, it’s time to fill in the blanks. This year we’re claiming four dependents: Koss, our only child; Beta, our fish; Josie, our dog, who we had for a total of five days; and Leslie, my inner child, since she plays such a key role in my work.

I don’t know why I have to keep repeating myself every year. Of course, every latte, lunch, massage and mani-pedi should be considered a business expense, since all of those things are regular fodder for my column. Come to think of it, we’d better take a larger deduction for my most critical writing supplies–wine and chocolate.

Finally, 677 Trader Joe’s receipts later, my husband sends off the file to the IRS. It feels like everything we have is taxed, including our patience. Thankfully, most of it is deductible.

Sure, we could be audited. That kind of aftershock has happened before. But I would like to point out to all of those extremely good-looking, smart, funny and sensitive IRS agents, that I know a stripper who wrote off the cost of enlarging her ta-tas and a bodybuilder who got a tax write-off for waxing his back, so writing off the cost of the plasma TV I had to buy to get my husband to do my taxes again this year doesn’t seem so earth-shattering after all, does it?

Send your tax tips to Leslie at at email. For more columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com.

Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on April 18, 2008.

New Book Guides Parents In Understanding Autism

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Autism Booklets There is no one-size-fits-all treatment or approach to the developmental disability, but help is available.

In honor of April’s celebration of Autism Awareness Month, the Santa Barbara chapter of the Autism Society of America (ASASB) (www.asasb.org) has released a new guidebook for parents. Spearheaded by board president Marcia Eichelberger and vice president Sandy Shove, “Autism and Your Child: A Guidebook for Parents,” offers a concise package of valuable information for parents of children who have just been diagnosed with Autism.

Autism is a complex developmental disability that typically appears during the first three years of life. The result of a neurological disorder that affects the functioning of the brain, autism impacts the normal development of the brain in the areas of social interaction and communication skills. Children and adults with autism typically have difficulties in verbal and non-verbal communication, social interactions, and leisure or play activities.

According to data from the ASASB, ten Years ago, one in 10,000 individuals had Autism. Two years ago, one in 500 individuals had Autism and last year one in 250 Individuals had Autism. Today it is believed that 1 in 150 individuals have Autism. The overall incidence of Autism is consistent around the globe, but is four times more prevalent in boys than girls. Autism knows no racial, ethnic, or social boundaries, and family income, life, and educational levels do not affect the chance of Autism’s occurrence.

Despite the growing prevalence of Autism, there are a wide variety of strategies and treatments being used with varying degrees of success. There is no one-size-fits-all treatment or approach, which makes it especially difficult for parents to access the information they need to help their children.

“I often tell people, ‘if you know one person with Autism, that means you know one person with Autism,'” says Shove, explaining that therapies and treatments that work for one person won’t necessarily work for another.

Part of the motivation for putting together the guidebook was their own extremely frustrating firsthand experience wading their way through the maze of information.

“When Sandy and I, when our children were diagnosed–mine was diagnosed about 12 years ago and Sandy’s was diagnosed about 8 years ago–there was nothing available for the doctor to even hand to us. There was no website, there was no support group, there was nothing,” says Eichelberger.

The guidebook is the result of many years of work “compiling resources, securing grant funding, participating in county-wide and tri-county inter-agency meetings, and inviting input from parents and professionals alike,” Eichelberger says. “We are particularly proud that it is available in both English and Spanish, and is available in both hard copy and on our website.”

In addition to publishing the guidebook–which includes sections explaining what Autism is, the diagnostic criteria, what to do if you think your child has Autism, where to go to get more help, and a particularly moving section called “Voices of Experience,” with parents sharing their personal stories–ASASB recently started its first auxiliary chapter in north county.

In honor of Autism Awareness Month, ASASB is co-sponsoring the Cambridge Center Conference on Autism: Evidence Based Practices on Friday, April 25th at the Santa Ynez Valley Marriott in Buellton. “We’ve had an amazing response to the conference,” says Shove.

“This is a remarkable opportunity for local parents and professionals to hear first-hand from international experts in the field of Applied Behavioral Analysis,” says Eichelberger. The conference covers a wide range of topics designed to help parents, teachers and caregivers of people with Autism.

Keynote speakers include: Andrew Bondy, Ph.D., BCBA, on “Teaching the Language of Emotions to Children with Autism;” Gina Green, Ph.D., BCBA, on “Evidence-Based Practice: What is it and Why is Everybody Talking About it;” Rob Holdsambeck, Ph.D., BCBA, and Hank Pennypacker, Ph.D., on “Adding Precision to Measurement and Reality to Predictions in Treatments of Persons with Autism;” Jane Howard, Ph.D., BCBA, on “Improving the Social and Communication Skills of Children with Autism Using the Science of Behavior Analysis;” and Janet Twyman, Ph.D., BCBA, on “Early Literacy Instruction for Learners with Autism Spectrum Disorders.” (www.behavior.org)

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Additional Information About Autism

If you think your child might be Autistic:

∑ First check out the list of typical childhood development milestones. (http://www.asasb.org/Milestones.cfm) If it turns out that your child does have developmental delays, early intervention services are your greatest gift to your child, because most major research on learning concludes that intervention before age five has the greatest chance of reducing/eliminating developmental delays–including Autism.

What are some of the common concerns that parents have for kids that eventually get diagnosed with some form of Autism?

∑ The most common concerns expressed by parents to pediatricians prior to the diagnosis of autism are:

1. Lack of speech and/or had words and lost them.

2. Child seems deaf.

3. Child does not make eye contact with parent/caregiver.

4. Child has unusual, odd behaviors including severe tantrums, self-injurious behavior, is difficult to control, engages in self-stimulatory behaviors (flapping, rocking, spinning, etc.).

5. Child ignores or does not play with other children.

There are great differences among people with autism.

∑ Some individuals may exhibit only mild language delays, while others may have no functional speech. Regardless of language skills, social interactions are typically a challenge for most individuals with autism. They may have average or above average verbal, memory, or spatial skills, yet find it difficult to be imaginative or join in a game of softball with their friends. Others more severely affected may need greater assistance in handling day-to-day activities like crossing the street or making a purchase.

∑ Contrary to common belief, many children and adults with autism will make eye contact, show affection, smile, laugh, and express a variety of other emotions, though perhaps in varying degrees. Like others, they respond to their environment in positive and negative ways. The autism may affect their range of responses and make it more difficult to control how their bodies and minds react.

∑ People with autism live normal lives and some of the behaviors associated with autism may change or disappear over time.

“The parent to parent connection is really critical,” says Shove.

∑ One of the most important services offered by ASASB are support groups.

∑ There is no pressure to share any more of your personal story than you want to with anyone.

∑ Our speakers come to share information. Follow-up questions and answer time is available and time to chat with others, but you can leave at your convenience.

∑ There is also an online listserve for parents of children with autism SBATA@yahoogroups.com. To join send an email to info@asasb.org.

–Source: Autism Society of America, Santa Barbara

Originally published in Noozhawk on April 17, 2008.

Legacies: Hospice of Santa Barbara

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“A PLACE WHERE COMPASSIONATE CARE is freely given”—that’s how retiring executive director Gail Rink describes Hospice of Santa Barbara, which officially opened its doors in 1974, making it the second-oldest hospice program in the United States.

Now tucked away on a serene Riviera hilltop, the nonprofit organization offers a wide array of supportive services—all 100 percent free of charge—for people diagnosed with terminal illness or facing the loss of a loved one.

Offerings include individual, couples, family and group counseling and support groups tailored to address specific circumstances such as organ transplant, suicide or the loss of a pet. Educational programs and complimentary health and wellness therapies are also included.

The 6,500-square-foot building—designed pro bono by local architect Barry Berkus as a testament to his late wife Gail and the comfort Hospice of Santa Barbara provided when she was dying—looks and feels more like a high-end health spa than a place designed to deal with death and grief.

In many ways, it is.

“This is part office, part spa, part chapel,” says Rink. Stressing humanistic rather than medical treatment, Hospice of Santa Barbara emphasizes the emotional, social and spiritual care needs of the terminally ill and their families. Stephen Jacobsen, former senior pastor of Goleta Presbyterian Church, took over the stewardship from Rink this fall, although she will stay on as a consultant until the end of the year.

“In my 30 years of work here, there has been a continuous stream of people saying how much Hospice meant to them,” says Jacobsen, who has served as a board member of Hospice of Santa Barbara, as well as Interfaith Initiative, Isla Vista Youth Project and La Casa de Maria Retreat Center. “For me, in this part of my professional life, it’s like a golden opportunity to take everything I’ve learned and learn a lot more.”

There’s a nice synergy in the relationship between Goleta Presbyterian Church and Hospice of Santa Barbara.

“When Hospice of Santa Barbara was founded in 1974, Goleta Presbyterian Church gave us the seed money to start it, and the pastor at that time, Don Hawthorne, became the board president,” says Rink.

From 1990 to 2001, Hospice of Santa Barbara partnered with Visiting Nurse and Hospice Care, which can sometimes be confusing. Explains Rink, “Hospice of Santa Barbara is a volunteer hospice that provides emotional, social and spiritual support for the terminally ill and the bereaved. The emphasis of a medical model hospice (such as Visiting Nurse and Hospice Care) is the nursing piece. They are covered through insurance and insurance defines their mission, whereas all of our services are free, and we receive no insurance reimbursement.”

“Yes, it is thanks to the generosity of people who support us that we have no billing department,” says Jacobsen.

“Historically that has really been important in this organization. Our board has always been committed to providing free services,” Rink adds.

Looking to the future, board president Roger Heroux says, “The vision is to grow because there is a lot of work to be done. Not only do we want to grow and expand the clinical aspects of this organization, we want to penetrate the Hispanic community in a big way…. (Also) we’ve got to make sure that our infrastructure is solid…to make sure that we’ve got the capability internally to deal with the growth. And finally we want to collaborate with a couple of like-minded organizations that will serve as a good referral source to us, but who also share our commitment to this process.”

“I think that it will be a different kind of leadership,” says Rink. “I’m a fundamental program person and have been in the business a long time (27 years as a hospice social worker/counselor) and Steve has been affiliated with the business for a long time. I built the fundamentals, he’ll build the future.”

To find out more about Hospice of Santa Barbara, call (805) 563-8820 or visit www.hospiceofsantabarbara.org.

—Leslie Dinaberg

Originally published in the Winter 2008/09 issue of Santa Barbara Seasons Magazine. To read the story as it appeared, click here and here.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

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“Curve Road And Blue Sky” by seaskylab, FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Curve Road And Blue Sky” by seaskylab, FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In my heart of hearts I know that if vacations lasted forever they wouldn’t be vacations. But that wouldn’t be so bad, would it? Even though I typed my way through four states in the past couple of weeks–so I wasn’t 100% “on vacation”–there’s something about getting away from home for a while that makes me thrilled to just keep on living. Vacations are so refreshing. Kind of like spending a night curled up with a box of chocolates, a Matthew McConaughey DVD and a glass of merlot.

Then there’s getting home to reality.

Reality is a huge stack of junk mail, which I feel obligated to read.

Reality is wondering why we packed enough luggage to clothe a third-world nation, thus leaving me with a ginormous pile of laundry, which I feel obligated to wash.

Reality is a refrigerator full of moldy food, which I should have thrown out a week ago.

The air in the house is stale, and the counters littered with vacation pocket detritus. Why did I scrawl the words “traveler’s knee” on this scrap of paper? Could I not hear those stupid rocks screaming “Tourist trap, hide your wallet!” the first time I looked at them? Did I really need to keep a half-eaten lint-covered Starlight Mint in my jeans for the past 2,000 miles?

Coming home is hard.

But crawling into my own bed feels as natural as hibernating into a favorite cave for the winter. Unlike the random sleeping quarters of the past week, the mattress remembers my form and rewards me with a cozy hug.

I slept that night like I’ve never slept before, for an amazing ten straight hours.

Coming home is great.

Koss greets me in the morning with a big smile and a huge hug. Amazingly, our family survived eight days of constant contact without a single blow-up. A few snippy moments, but that’s pretty normal. Arriving home relatively unscathed by my relatives is something to celebrate.

Though I am a little irked when, after spending thousands of dollars on a vacation and driving thousands of miles on the road, he says his favorite part of the Grand Canyon was using the hotel key cards.

My jeans feel a bit tight from my adult road trip diet. Sure, I’ve outgrown the corn nuts, Slurpees and jerky-like substances of my teen years, but I still had too many French Fries, lattes, and glasses of wine.

Coming home is awful.

A billion emails await me the next morning at work.

Problems I hoped would go away have merely expanded to fit the number of days that have gone by. I shouldn’t have told anyone I’d be home till the weekend. Maybe if I don’t answer the phone…but I’ve got a zillion phone messages, mostly from Blockbuster.

And I’ve got a kajillion things to do, including servicing the car, which ran wonderfully until the last seven miles of our 2,000-mile trip.

It turns out to be an expensive last seven miles. My spirits are replenished by the trip, but my bank account is empty. Still, it was a great trip. Traveling with Zak and Koss is always an adventure into the great unknown. Each new phase of his maturity comes without warning, so I’m never sure how he’s going to behave from road trip to road trip. Same with Koss. One summer he was napping through five-hour car trips and the next it was, “Are we there yet?” “I’m hungry,” and “Are we there yet?” every two seconds.

This trip he read books the whole time, yet somehow he still managed to entertain us with his loud singing and randomly silly jokes, all the while skillfully avoiding exposure to any of that pesky scenery that his dad and I find so appealing.

It’s hard to come home, but they say all good things must come to an end–unfortunately, that includes vacations.

Whether she likes it or not, Leslie is home, mostly on her computer at email. For more columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com. Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on April 11, 2008.

Las Aletas Serves Up a Smash at Annual Tennis Event

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Las Aletas will host its 17th Spring Smash Tennis Tournament, Fashion Show and Luncheon on Friday, April 18. Known as a fun and friendly women’s doubles competition, tennis will be played at private courts throughout Montecito and Santa Barbara, with lunch and the fashion show featuring clothes from the Tennis Shop of Montecito and Natasha Boutique at a private home in Hope Ranch.

Proceeds from the event will be used to support Las Aletas’ three philanthropic projects: Operation School Bell, which provides clothing for low-income children in the Goleta school district; Operation Bookshelf, which provides homebound patrons with books from the Goleta library; and Kids on the Block, which brings puppet performances to local schools to educate children about subjects such as safety, bullying and getting along with others.

In addition to tournament proceeds, there will be a raffle at the event. “Each year the items get better and bigger. We are so excited about the donations this year, said Heidi Stilwell, who is co-chairing the tournament with Jan McGuire.

“We have some fantastic items up for raffle, including vacation condo stays in Mammoth and Utah,” said Stilwell. “This is, of course, all to fund our organization’s philanthropic activities, which include Operation School Bell, Kids on the Block, Operation Book Shelf, as well as helping out at the Santa Barbara Assistance League Thrift Store.” Las Aletas is an auxiliary of the Assistance League, and was originally created as a way for the daughters and daughters-in-laws of Assistance League members to get involved with philanthropy.

Spots are still available for both the tournament and the luncheon/fashion show. The cost is $60 for tennis players (including luncheon and fashion Show) or $35 for the luncheon/fashion show only. For more information call McGuire at 805.964.0515 or email lasaletastennis@hotmail.com.

Originally published in Noozhawk on April 9, 2008.

Ventura Goes Green

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Image courtesy of <a href="http://www.hortongroup.com/" target="_blank">Horton Group</a>

Image courtesy of Horton Group

Earth Day is April 22, but you can celebrate the earth every day of the year by incorporating green building and remodeling practices into your home. Allen Associates Green Resources Manager Karen Feeney shares these tips:

Take a look at your operating efficiency. You’ll save money on utilities by making greener choices for your home. For example, a remodel is the perfect opportunity to put in a high efficiency furnace. “There are so many energy efficient systems that are out there right now, that are 90 to 97 percent efficient, so if you can put in a new heating system it’s going to make your house more comfortable because it’s going to work really well and also it’s not burning up fossil fuels to operate.”

Green doesn’t necessarily mean more expensive. Especially when you look at your long-term costs. “You’ve got that house for several years of your life, so it’s really a wise choice to go ahead and make some of those adjustments in your home because if you look at the lifespan of a home, you’re bringing your costs down and saving money.”

Improved insulation is one of the most cost effective ways to improve your home’s energy efficiency. Even if you are not taking down any walls, but you are going to repaint, you can go into an old house and you can drill small holes at the top and the bottom of the walls and blow in cellulose, which is recycled newspaper, or foam insulation, and that fills up the entire cavity and makes the home more airtight. Then you simply patch the holes and repaint the walls.

Tighter windows also improve insulation, bringing down your heating and cooling costs. “You can go in and do replacement on windows and do it very inexpensively. You can take, let’s say an aluminum framed single paned window and put in a window that fits in that same place that’s double-paned that can be a very energy efficient window.”

Carpets can be one of your home’s biggest health hazards. In part due to dust, mold, lead, and asbestos in the home, more than 38 percent of Americans suffer from allergies. “When you put a new carpet in your home and then you take it out ten years later, it can weigh three times more than the original carpet, especially if you have a dog or a lot of dirt tracked in…there’s documentation that if you take a carpet out of the home where somebody has asthma or allergies that their health improves immensely.”

For more Earth Day green living tips, check out these special events.

Midtown Green Home and Garden Tour
A self-guided home tour emphasizing sustainable building and/or gardening practices to see how others in the community are already using “green” principles. Sponsored by the Midtown Ventura Community Council and the City of San Buenaventura. Saturday, April 19, 10 A.M. to 4 P.M. $10. Tickets are available at Arketype Architects Inc., 275 S. San Clemente, 653.5088. For more information call Dan Long at 653.6573 or e-mail at sandmand@pacbell.net.

Earth Day Expo
Businesses and non-profit groups will share information that will help citizens “go green,” save energy, and save money. Sponsored by the Midtown Ventura Community Council and the City of San Buenaventura. Saturday, April 19, 10 A.M. to 4 P.M. Free. City of Ventura Sanjon Maintenance Yard, 336 Sanjon Road.

Free Green Building Workshop
Come celebrate Earth Day by learning from local building experts at Allen Associates how you can make your home healthier, energy efficient, more durable, and still stay within your budget. Tuesday, April 22, 7 to 9 P.M., Elizabeth Topping Room, E.P. Foster Library, 651 E. Main Street, Ventura. Free. Call 641.0839 to reserve a spot.

Originally published in Ventana Monthly in April 2008.

Image courtesy of Horton Group.

Kids Around Town

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Yellow Bird Music

Yellow Bird Music (courtesy photo)

Yellow Bird Music (courtesy photo)

Starting as young as three months, at Yellow Bird Music children up to 12 years old can explore the world in brand new ways through a variety of music, movement and art classes. Musical exploration, art, yoga, piano, choir, drum lessons, and summer camps are available at Yellow Bird. Owner Alexandra Adams-Arreguin combines a Kindermusik-based curriculum–which includes whimsically-titled classes such as “Do-Si-Do” and “Hello Weather, Let’s Play Together”–with innovative additions including performances by local musicians, giving children an up-close and personal opportunity to view musical expression by professionals.

“I just love working with kids,” says Adams-Arreguin. “The effect that music has on a child is one of the most positive and creative methods for them to discover themselves. I truly believe that every child has something to give and a song to share.”

YELLOW BIRD MUSIC 2726 De La Vina Street, Santa Barbara, 805-898-9070, yellowbirdmusic.com

Arts Alive Creativity Center

Where else in town but Arts Alive Creativity Center can you find a Brownie troop doing ceramics, preschool-age thespians picking our costumes for a play, and teenagers popping their way through a hip-hop class? Arts Alive offers a panoply of creative pursuits for the young and young-at-heart. Past classes have included comic book making, fashion illustration, sewing, photography, drama, fiber art, painting, knitting, digital creations, harmonica lessons, creative clay, and singing.

New owner Laura Eliseo, who took over the space in January with partner Anthony Parisi, says she plans to continue with Arts Alive’s eclectic children’s curriculum and camp program, as well as incorporate new classes such as recycled glass creations and additional dance classes to complement those offered by Santa Barbara Dance Arts (formerly known as Santa Barbara Jazz Dance Academy), which shares the space and offers children’s classes in jazz, ballet, tap, hip-hop and more.

ARTS ALIVE CREATIVITY CENTER 1 North Calle Cesar Chavez, Suite 100, Santa Barbara, 805-963-2ART, artsalivesb.com

More Great Stuff For Kids

KINDERMUSIK WITH KATHY 1213 State Street, Suite I, Santa Barbara, 805-884-4009, kindermusikwithkathy.com/

Kindermusik, the world’s leader in music and movement curricula for parents and children ages newborn to 7 years old, uses research in child development to provide developmentally appropriate music and movement experiences.

MY GYM 3888 State Street, Santa Barbara, 805-563-7336, my-gym.com/

An award-winning program designed to help children aged three months thru 13 years develop strength, balance, coordination, flexibility and social skills through music, dance, games, and gymnastics.

BEACH STAR GYMNASTICS 4193 Carpinteria Ave., Suite 7,

Carpinteria, 805-684-9900, http://members.cox.net/beachstarsgym/

A “recreational” gymnastics facility, focusing on the fun aspects of gymnastics for children from 18 months to 16 years old.

SBPARENT.COM P.O. Box 60135, Santa Barbara, 805-448-2426

An easy-to-access central location for all the information that parents need, including listings and links to camps, activities, childcare, preschool, party planning and more.

SBPEP.ORG P.O. Box 6154, Santa Barbara, 805-564-3888

The nonprofit volunteer-run PEP (Postpartum Education for Parents) offers numerous programs to help parents and families thrive with their new children.

Originally published in Santa Barbara Magazine in 2008.

Promises Promises

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© Dushenina | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

© Dushenina | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

“But mom, you promised we could!”

We could … fill in the blank. Make cookies, play tennis after school, do watercolor salt collages, go to the bank and make a deposit in that cool pneumatic tube. You name it–whatever the thing was that I had woefully neglected to do is beside the point. The point is that once again I had fallen sadly short of the perfect mother benchmark. And once again my son was shaming me with my shortcomings.

If there’s a parent out there who has never disappointed their child, please stay far away from me. I feel guilty enough already. I certainly don’t need you flaunting your perfection in my face.

I know I should have learned the perils of promises a long time ago. Isn’t it always better to under-promise and over-deliver? I seem to recall being tested on that a few times in my life. Plus it’s so logical: don’t promise more than you can deliver and you won’t disappoint anyone, right?

But the problem with kids is they interpret every word you say as a promise. Except of course when they don’t.

What seems like merely a rather vague plan to my muddled mind is often a promise in the eyes of my son. The moment words like “yes, we should do that” leave my mouth, my 8-year-old interprets them as a sworn-in-blood pledge–sometimes. And that’s the kicker. He forgets what we had planned to do just as often as I do, but when I forget I’m a terrible parent and when he forgets, well, he’s just being a kid.

Really, I never intended to be crushing the hopes and dreams of my sweet little guy. Of course I know that kids believe us when we promise them something. It’s just that, well, I didn’t know you were serious about that. Or I thought you changed your mind after school. Or I completely forgot about it. Or, once in a great while–something better came up.

Surely you realize that I didn’t realize how important it was to you. Surely you must know that I never meant to break your sweet, innocent little heart. I’m so very sorry.

Before I was a mom I spent a lot of time apologizing to the plants. It’s not that I was negligent per se; it’s just that there was so much going on in my life. Sometimes I would completely forget to water a plant for, say, the winter, and then, to make up for it, spray the others with a fire hose for the month of March.

I’ve gotten much better about this. Really I have. I never even buy plants anymore and if someone gives me one, I know better than to get too attached.

Seriously, I’ve only forgotten to feed Koss a few times. Eventually he reminds me, usually by screaming “I’m starving, mom. You forgot to make me breakfast again!” in the middle of a crowded room of appalled parents and teachers. I’m embarrassed about this, of course, but it’s not like the plants. As soon as he starts to smell, I drop everything and hose him off. I would never just toss him in the trash.

See, I promised when he was born that I would always love and cherish him, and that’s one promise I’m sure I can keep.

If you email Leslie at email she promises to write back. For more columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com.
Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on March 28, 2008.

Women’s Festival Debuts

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wf-logoThe inaugural Women’s Festivals launched in Santa Barbara March 7-9th and Arizona March 14-16th. Founded by local businesswoman Patty DeDominic and her partner Mary Schnack, these conferences were created to “celebrate the accomplishments of women and inspire others to realize their dreams,” with forums focusing five key areas: personal, professional, philanthropic, political, and planet.

The Saturday morning “personal” panel on “Transition: The Best is Yet to Come,” was thought-provoking for the approximately 50 people (predominately women) that attended.

Introducing the panel, Alberto G. Alvarado, the Los Angeles district director for the U.S. Small Business Administration, started out the morning with a laugh when he asked the audience, “When does a woman most enjoy a man’s company?” The answer: “When she owns it.”

Then it was on to a dynamic discussion of transitions–both in life and in business–with four very different women.

“Your experiences turn to lessons and hopefully those lessons turn to wisdom,” said Tessa Warschaw, Ph.D., founder of Big Thinking Women and the author of “Winning by Negotiation,” and “Resiliency: How to Bounce Back Faster, Stronger, Smarter.” As you age, “if you don’t have your marbles and you don’t have cash, you’re in trouble,” said Warschaw.

“If you live in the future or in the past, you’re wasting your time,” said Linda LoRey, President and CEO of Frederick’s of Hollywood, who related her story of taking the company public and in the same year becoming a mother for the first time at age 52. “You can do it all, but you can’t do it all at once,” she said, though it sounds like she, at least, can do an awful lot at once.

Maureen Ford, an entrepreneurial education expert and author of “The Turning Point,” said that a dream about her dead mother inspired her to write the book for which all profits go toward Women for Women International, a nonprofit humanitarian organization dedicated to financial, educational, and interpersonal support of women survivors of war, poverty and injustice.

Joan Frentz, author of “Life Begins at 60,” who works as a personal trainer in Carpinteria, talked about the importance of staying in good physical health. “The good and bad news is that we’re going to live to be 100,” said the impressively spry 72-year-old. “We have to take care of ourselves to make those years worthwhile.”

A fundamental objective of the festivals was “to bring together a unique gathering of extraordinary women to share their experiences and wealth of knowledge with the goal of transforming the lives of participants,” according to the organizers. Other featured speakers included: Dr. Susan Love, U.S. Representative Lois Capps (D-CA), Sara Miller McCune and LeVar Burton.

Originally published in Noozhawk on March 25, 2008.

Recipe for a Healthy Marriage

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Photo by theswedish

Photo by theswedish

We’re going to a wedding this weekend, the first one we’ve been to in a while. I’m feeling sort of rusty. I know they throw birdseed instead of rice, and no one drinks wine coolers anymore, but do they still do the Macarena?

I feel so out of it. It wasn’t always that way. We did the “wedding circuit” for years. I used to be an expert in bridal gown bathroom assistance, buying blenders in bulk and slyly switching place cards when we weren’t assigned to the “cool table.” But that was–gulp, gasp, gag, boy am I getting old–more than a decade ago. Now our social life consists mostly of waving to friends from the carpool lane, hanging out at the Little League Fields or (whoo hoo!) the basketball team party at Giovanni’s.

I’m certainly older than I was when I got married, so I must be at least somewhat wiser and therefore qualified to give advice to my soon-to-be-wed friends, who are close to 40 and have–miraculously–never walked down the aisle before. Here goes:

I know you’re Jewish, but did you have to pick Easter weekend to get married?

Clearly you have no children, baskets or bunnies to worry about. But someday you’ll look back on this and feel a teeny, tiny little bit guilty for making my son’s grandma deal with all of that plastic grass embedded into her carpet.

Science has now revealed that married men are significantly more satisfied with their life when their partner is satisfied with life, so make sure your wife is happy.

Okay, the study also found that married women are more satisfied with life when their husbands are happy–but really that equation is so simple, boobs + beer + control of the remote = male happiness–it doesn’t seem worth discussing.

In marital disputes, silence isn’t golden.

Wives who don’t express themselves actually increase their risk of illness. So talk it out, and if he’s not listening, keep talking and talking and talking until he hears what you’re saying and gives in. I have personal experience with this, but there’s actually science to back this one up. New research shows that married women who keep silent during disputes have a greater chance of dying from heart disease and other conditions than women who speak their minds. So go ahead and tell him what you really think. It’s good for your heart, even if it’s not so good for his eardrums.

There are Different Rules for Husbands and Wives.

Married men who keep disagreements to themselves actually have the same life expectancy as men who speak out. So men don’t get bonus years for speaking up, but they will get bonus points for walking down the aisle. Married men live seven years longer, and married women live two years longer, than single men and women, respectively. According to actual bona fide social scientific research, married people as a group have better psychological health than people who have never married. Years from now, when your idea of a big night out is a martini after the PTA meeting, you should remember that science is on your side.

“Whatever you want, the answer is yes.”

I taught my husband that phrase even before we got married and those magic words have served him well over the years. Now my son has also come to understand the wisdom of keeping me happy. After all, if I’m not happy, nobody’s happy. Plus it helps, a lot, if you want to stay married.

Share your marriage advice with Leslie at email. For more columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com.
Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on March 21, 2008.