Yearly Archives: 2008

Leslie Dinaberg Sits Down with Cecilia Rodriguez

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Anna Kokotovic, left, former executive director of CALM (Child Abuse Listening & Mediation), gave new Executive Director Cecilia Rodriguez her start with the organization more than 20 years ago. (Jennifer Guess photo)

Anna Kokotovic, left, former executive director of CALM (Child Abuse Listening & Mediation), gave new Executive Director Cecilia Rodriguez her start with the organization more than 20 years ago. (Jennifer Guess photo)

Starting as a volunteer in 1984, CALM‘s (Child Abuse Listening & Mediation) new Executive Director Cecilia Rodriguez has proven her passion for protecting children from abuse. Now she wants to focus on prevention, reaching out to young families to help break the cycle of abuse.

Leslie Dinaberg: So you started as a volunteer at CALM?

Cecilia Rodriguez: Yes, when my own children were very little and I was trying to get away from my life as a full time mom. I wanted to be able to talk about something more than diapers and baby stuff, which is fine but when I got involved here at CALM as a volunteer, within minutes I realized that this was what I would do for the rest of my life. That’s why I warn volunteers when they come here, I say “beware this agency has a way of grabbing you.” The mission is just so compelling and we’re protecting the most vulnerable in our community and helping families to grow and change and break the cycle of abuse.

LD: So you went graduate school and became a marriage and family therapist.

CR: Yes and Dr. Anna Kokotovic, the executive director at the time, offered me a position doing intensive in-home therapy, doing treatment at people’s homes, in the streets, in schools. Wherever families hung out, that’s where I hung out.

… The wonderful thing about in-home work is that you really get a much clearer picture of what’s going on than you do when they come to the office. You rely here on what they tell you, but when you go there and you see the conditions that they are living under, the stressors that they are facing, the challenges, and the poverty. Then you realize that some of the things we innocently ask people to do in their homes are just not possible. So we have to adapt it so that it’s something that really will work for them.

LD: How willing are people to have this kind of an intervention of people coming into their homes?

CR: I am always so humbled–and I’m going to start crying because I always cry about this–that people trust us enough to allow us to come into their home. I am always so touched by that, and it just shows you the level of distress that they’re in, or they are seeking so much, they want support.

LD: What programs are you emphasizing now?

CR: … My focus now, as executive director, is to focus more on prevention than on trying to repair the problem after it has occurred. With teenagers it would be so much better not to get to that place. That’s why we’re really emphasizing preschool, emphasizing preschool aged children aged 0 to 5, the younger the better. And it’s not the children we’re focusing on, it’s the parents so that we can support them to be better families, to listen to their children to be supported themselves. You know, a lot of parents haven’t been supported, didn’t get optimum family situations and so they just repeat what was done. If in their family they were raised in a really punitive family environment, they will tend to do the same thing unless we can intervene. … We try to target young families, even before they have their babies. We get referrals from obstetricians and pediatricians and the Public Health Department when there are certain risk factors and then we begin working with them on bonding and attachment issues from day one.

…We have a whole team of home visitors called Great Beginnings, and they are the ones that go to homes of the very young children.

LD: You have a lot of different programs and a lot of things going on, but what is your perception of the needs of Santa Barbara County versus what you’re able to provide.

CR: Well, there’s always more need than we’re able to provide and again, the need is I think, because I’ve been doing this for a lot of years, and I’m tired of coming in after the fact when abuse has happened and then we react by wrapping our CALM services around the family. That’s why I want to focus on support and prevention efforts, teaching parents how to be better parents and families how to be there for one another. There are so many stressors in families’ lives these days and it’s getting even more challenging now, financial stressors, our economy, that’s adding another, and our families have always been stressed in that way because we work often with families of lower social economic class, so it’s always challenging for them, but then it’s even more challenging now.

LD: Obviously, there are people that have higher risk backgrounds than others, but in some ways everybody has that potential to go too far.

CR: Right. We all have the capacity to abuse given a certain set of circumstances, given certain life stressors I think we can, like you say, cross the line or lose sight of what we’re supposed to do with our children.

LD: In addition to earlier, is there anything else that you feel like is a shift from what’s been done in the past?

CR: Support for preschools. That’s also where I see that children who are experiencing neglect or are growing up in stressful situations where they are exposed to domestic violence, they are not ready to learn; they’re not ready for kindergarten. You know kids are getting kicked out of preschool, this is shocking to me … If you can’t make it in preschool oh my gosh. But you know, when kids are aggressive that’s an automatic “we can’t deal with you here” because they hurt other children. And not every preschool does that, kicks kids out, but there are some, and we see kids here who can’t make it in preschool setting. It is sad. So what we’re doing is we’re partnering with, for instance, Storyteller, and we’re offering support to children and the teachers so that we can help these children to be successful so they’re ready on day one in kindergarten they are ready to learn.

LD: That’s really important.

CR: Yes because what happens if they’re not ready and they’re disruptive from day one they get tagged, you know these kids they get tagged, even in preschool, as the problem kids and they’re going to be problem, problem, problem and they’re going to fail in school.

LD: That’s really sad.

CR: This is a great fact that I uncovered the other day. Do you know that our volunteers provide us with 10,000 hours a year of volunteer time? We have volunteers provide childcare. What our families tell us is one of the most helpful things that we do. When they come here for an appointment they can bring their kids and the kids will be taken care of.

LD: When you’re not working what do you like to do?

CR: I am a total gym rat. I’m an exercise junkie. I go to the Goleta Valley Athletic Club. What’s really important about this work is that it can be very stressful work, of course, you can take a lot home with you, and self-care is very important and I try to model that for the staff. We really stress the importance of when you’re not here when you’re not working, surrounding yourself with beauty, with culture, with laughter, good books, whatever it is that feeds your soul, that’s what you need to do when you’re not here.

So I work out because I’m a fanatic about it, just because it makes me feel good, and also I’m a gardener, My garden is my pride and joy. I love my garden so I’m always out there in my garden. And I have a really solid family, which also helps.

Vital Stats: Cecilia Rodriguez

Born: Los Angeles, November 25, 1957

Family: Husband Bob Stanley; two grown children, Tom who lives in Bellingham, WA, and Clare, who lives in Granada, Spain.

Professional Accomplishments: Art Teacher at Marymount in the 1970s, staff member at CALM for more than 22 years.

Best Book You’ve Read Recently: Kabul Beauty School by Deborah Rodriguez

Little-Known Fact: “I love Cheetos. That is my junk food of choice. About every six months I have a Cheetos attack and I just totally give into it.”

Originally published in Noozhawk in September 2008. Click here to read the story on that site.

Live Long and Argue

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Don Ameche and Frances Langford as John and Blanche Bickerson (Wikipedia)

Don Ameche and Frances Langford as John and Blanche Bickerson (Wikipedia)

I believe that there’s always a silver lining. This one fell in my lap, in the form of a magazine article titled “Bickering Has Benefits.”

A study by the University of Michigan School of Public Health found a bright side to marital blowouts. Following nearly 200 couples for 17 years, researchers found that when people in a marriage suppressed their anger toward each other (rather than arguing), they had twice the risk of dying early, compared to couples that shared their emotions.

Got that honey? Fighting is good for us.

It gets better. According to the study, even if just one partner spoke up and resolved their conflict, they still got the benefit of bickering.

When I talk to my husband in a slightly loud and elevated tone, say, to gently bring his attention to something that needs doing around the house, I often feel like I’m talking to myself. But thanks to this study I’ve realized that it doesn’t really matter. Even letting him have it when he’s glued to the television or half asleep, it’s still good for MY health.

Got that honey? Fighting is good for both of us even when it’s just good for me.

There’s something sort of comforting about knowing that fighting is actually healthy for a relationship.

I grew up devouring romance novels and romantic movies. It took me a long time to figure out why there are relatively few romances written about marriage or long-term couplehood. The romantic-comedy formula is all about getting to fall in love–or getting to fall back to love–and after that the couple is on their own to live, well, presumably, happily ever after.

So what if they turn into the Bickerson’s before the honeymoon is paid for–no one wants to fork over ten bucks (plus another ten for popcorn and milk duds) to watch that movie.

The truth is–as much as we’d all like to believe that good unions float through life on a featherbed of love and roses, mutual respect, and kind words–the reality is that as much as you may love your partner, sometimes you just want to throttle him. And that’s okay. In fact, fighting is more than okay; it may even help you live longer.

Isn’t it great to know that spousal spats may actually serve a larger purpose than making you feel better by getting it off your chest? I knew that silence wasn’t really golden.

The best marriage advice I ever got was to talk it out. And if he’s not listening, keep talking and talking and talking until he hears what you’re saying and gives in.

Got that, honey? Did you hear me? Are you listening to me at all? You may as well turn off the TV and listen. Then again, your need to space out while pretending to listen attentively meshes perfectly with my need to talk everything out to the last detail. They really should make a romantic comedy about us.

We’re going to live forever.

Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on September 12, 2008.

Leslie Dinaberg Sits Down With Larry Kreider

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Larry Kreider (Noozhawk photo)

Larry Kreider (Noozhawk photo)

Beer is more than just a passion for Larry Kreider; it’s also a business. Before he discovered the pleasures of fine craft made beer, Kreider had endless campfire debates over the superiority of Budweiser to Miller and Coors. Now he’s spreading the joys of pairing homemade food with handcrafted hops at Goleta’s Hollister Brewing Company.

Leslie Dinaberg: When did you first develop an interest in beer?

Larry Kreider: It was kind of an epiphany. I was working as a manager for Home Depot in Torrance, and I had to approve checks. I kept approving these checks that said Manhattan Beach Brewing Company, and I finally asked the guy, “What’s the Manhattan Beach Brewing Company? Do you make coffee, soda, what do you do?” He said, “No, we brew beer.”

… I had never heard of that before. It was close by, so I went and visited it and it was just oh my God, this is like nirvana.

… For a couple of years I was just so pissed at Budweiser that they had brainwashed me into thinking that that was the best beer. … But then after I started brewing some beer myself, you start having an appreciation for the technologically perfect beer that they are able to make, especially with breweries located in different parts of the country.

So I’ve kind of come full circle. To their credit, they do take a big part in getting people to drink more beer period. … For the past three or four years the growth of beer consumption has been pretty stagnant, but craft brewed beer has earned double digit increases in consumption.

LD: How did you get started in the restaurant business?

LK: I moved to Santa Barbara in 1995 with the intent of opening up the Santa Barbara Brewing Company. I had some partners from the South Bay area … the three of us were middle-aged bachelors, had never worked in a restaurant, never brewed beer before but we knew someone in common that had opened other brew pubs and could help us. … Our naivete kind of helped us. …That’s right when lower State Street was starting to become a little gentrified. … We were in the right place at the right time

… That’s where I met my current partner, Eric Rose. I hired him to be a part-time brewer assistant. … We worked together there for about four years and then I sold my interest in the brewing company to my partners who are still there and still doing well. I moved on and at that time I was becoming involved with Elements.

I knew, from the very first week I met Eric that at some point in his life he was going to open up a brewpub on his own, professionally. We stayed in contact for four years in that interim where I was trying to get Elements off the ground, and he was still at the brewing company perfecting his profession, brewing better beers.

(Eventually) Eric and his father (Marshall Rose) started putting together a business plan, and they contacted me and wanted to know if I was still interested in doing a project. And I said, “absolutely.”

LD: Even though there are a lot of restaurants, it still feels like Goleta has room for more.

LK: People have been extremely supportive and we’re flattered and humbled by the response that we got when we came out here. There was a pent up desire for people to go to locally owned and operated restaurants without having to go downtown.

LD: Is the beer you brew only sold here?

LK: We have the ability with our type of license to self distribute beer. But not to sound smug or anything, but we’ve been so busy trying to keep up with the demand here that we haven’t pursued that avenue yet. We have beer on tap at one place and it’s the Hungry Cat. We’ve developed a nice relationship with the chefs that work there, and they’re willing to put different beers of ours on tap and then create dishes around it.

LD: Can people buy beer to take home?

LK: We have the growlers only; we don’t sell it in kegs.

LD: Do you have a favorite beer?

LK: The one that’s in front of me. (Laughs)

LD: I know you’re here full time but you still own part of Elements?

LK: Yes, but it has nothing to do with the partnership that owns Hollister Brewing Company. That’s just me personally. My partner there, Andy, knew that at some point I was going to get back in the beer business. Fortunately for me my wife Tina is able to keep our interest going in Elements.

LD: She mentioned to me that you guys get a little competitive.

LK: Yes we do. We check sales with each other on a daily basis and see who is doing what. We’ve even tried to get some synergy a little bit out of it, if they need employees or if we need employees we’ll see if they have people available, stuff like that. But it’s a completely separate entity.

LD: Does whether or not UCSB is in session affect your crowd very much?

LK: Everyone said when we were building the place, “oh brew pub right by a university, that’s going to be busy,” and people had this pre-conceived notion it would be filled with these undergrad students drinking beer. We’re not that kind of a place. We make a craft made product so it’s a little more expensive.

.. I think anyone would be naïve to say that the university doesn’t affect every business in Goleta. It does; there’s a huge population increase, but we’ve been able to keep to our core demographic of the people who live and work here in Goleta and not just the students who tend to be a little more transient from year to year.

… It’s so funny, the three busiest weekends that we have are graduation, move-in and parents visitor’s week. So for 49 weeks a year the students go to Albertsons, and whatever is on sale they buy, but the three weekends that mom and dad are in town they bring them in here to foot the bill (Laughs).

LD: What else do you do when you’re not working?

LK: As you know, I have two young kids, so that takes up pretty much all of the time that I’m not here. I have to give credit to Tina — you know, trying to run two restaurants with two young kids is not the easiest thing to do and we’ve been able to. Our partners are very cognizant of that also … I try to take Sunday off regardless of what’s going on and that’s kind of our family day.

LD: Looking down the road, would you ever want to open another Hollister Brewing Co.?

LK: I could see opening a different variation of this. This was our first shot together and most of the menu design, the beer design, the food pairings, came from Eric. He’s got the most sophisticated palate. This site lends itself more toward the volume that we have to do and we’ve been very fortunate that we have that, but if you really want to get into a palate driven place you need a little bit smaller place. So we can see doing that at some point in the future. Maybe a smaller venue where we could still supply it from here, not necessarily brew it there, but have a really nice palate-driven, food-driven, foodie place with really nice wines, really good beers, pairing with more entrée-type foods and things like that.

LD: It sounds like an amalgamation of your two businesses.

LK: Exactly. Something like that maybe sometime but there’s no immediate plan. I mean, we’re still pounding the turf here and trying to get this going. But we’re well ahead of what our scheduled business plan said. Thank you to the people in Goleta that they have been very supportive, and we do thank the people from Santa Barbara, too, who come all the way out here to Goleta. (Laughs) I swear people think they have to cancel their newspaper subscription and cancel their mail just to go to Goleta.

Vital Stats: Larry Kreider

Born: Aug. 30, 1958, in Martinsburg, Pa., “with a population of more cows than people.”

Family: Wife Tina, son Jake (8) and daughter Claire (4)

Civic Involvement: Santa Barbara Mission, Washington School

Professional Accomplishments: Manager at Home Depot; co-owner of Santa Barbara Brewing Co.; current co-owner of Hollister Brewing Co. and Elements.

Little-Known Fact: “People look at me as the beer person since I’m out here, but I mean, If I go into a restaurant and I don’t like the beer selection they have, I’ll order a Budweiser … It’s the best of that style of beer. … We just don’t like the fact that they market to get people to think that that’s the only style of beer there is.”

Originally published in Noozhawk on September 7, 2008.

The M Word

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Photo by Ambro/freedigitalphotos.net

Photo by Ambro/freedigitalphotos.net

I had never met a four-letter word I didn’t like — under the right circumstances — until that one day, on the cusp of my 40th birthday, when the 12-year-old Vons checker dared to speak the most offensive word of them all.

“Need help out to your car, ma’am?”

Who me? Ma’am? When did that happen?

He didn’t even have a southern accent.

#@*&! When did that happen?

It seems like just days ago, at that very same Vons, when I had just had my wisdom teeth out and that cute Box Boy in my Geometry class helped me out with my single bag of groceries. I was sure he was going to ask me to the Homecoming Dance, swollen face and all.

Then he asked if I had an older sister at San Marcos. He didn’t even recognize me!

How did I go from that kind of minor adolescent humiliation to the adult-sized humiliation of ma’am?

It must have happened around the same time our neighbors stopped noticing when we had parties. Somewhere around the same time our friends stopped hooking up then breaking up and started getting married and divorced.

Growing old gracefully is highly over-rated.

At my 20th high school reunion, all of the friends I had stayed in touch with looked wonderful that night, but everyone else — who were still 18 in my mind — looked old, fat and gray.

#@*&! When did that happen?

Is this what it’s like to finally be a grown up? You blow out the candles on your 16th birthday cake and the next thing you know you’re blowing out an “over the hill” candle at your 40th birthday, because to actually put 40 candles on would take a much bigger cake!

I’ve still got the lollipop on my desk that says “40 Sucks.”

Now that I’m approaching 45 and that lollipop’s getting rather dusty, I can say with some authority that it doesn’t really suck. At least not most of the time.

For the most part my friends aren’t aging any more gracefully than I am. Although none have bought Ferrari’s or dated 19-year-old supermodels, I’m sure that’s only because they can’t afford them. We talk a lot more about our corns and bunions and a lot less about our sex lives.

At a recent 40th birthday party, a friend announced he had taken up surfing, even though he can barely swim. Another spent the week at a dude ranch, finally getting back on that horse after a few disastrous childhood attempts.

What I want to know is when did surfing and riding horses become daring, and golf become the sport of choice for people my age? When did I stop relating to the teens on Gossip Girl and start relating to their parents? Is this what it feels like to sit at the grown up table?

I’ve heard people say that “old” is about 15 years older than you are, which sounds about right. Until I realize this makes me “old” to that Box Boy and even to many of my colleagues.

I guess I should have clued in last year, when I told one of my young colleagues about the amazing Pearl Jam concert I had seen the night before.

His comment: “That’s so cool. I hope I’m still going to concerts when I’m your age.”

What am I, 55?

I’ve been going to concerts since before you were born, you little whippersnapper!

I wonder what he’d say if he knew I was online trying to buy Stone Temple Pilots tickets?

“Wow, they’re still around,” said a teenage intern. “My dad used to love them back when he was in college.”

Is this possible?

Oh #@*&!

At least he didn’t call me ma’am.

Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on September 5, 2008.

Won’t You Be a Good Neighbor (The Friendster Next Door)

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This story as it originally appeared in Upwardly Mobile Magazine

This story as it originally appeared in Upwardly Mobile Magazine

It’s sad but true that in an age where we’re wired 24/7 and can–and do–create community anywhere, we often don’t know the people who live right next door. With all due respect to Robert Frost, good fences don’t really make good neighbors.

With as little effort as a smile, a note, a phone call or the ringing of a bell you can help create a sense of community in your neighborhood. Neighborliness is always nice, but when you live in close quarters such as mobile home parks, it’s even more critical to care about your surroundings and engage with one another.

In honor of National Good Neighbor Day on September 28, here are some tips to make your neighborhood a happier, friendlier place to live:

Be Welcoming
“When you see your neighbors outdoors, strike up a friendly conversation with them. This is a great way meet, connect and stay in touch,” says Kathy Peterson, host of Lifetime Television show, “The Balancing Act.”

“Bake a batch of cookies (with your children if you can) and have them deliver the goodies to the newly-arrived neighbor, suggests psychologist Aaron Cooper, author of “I Just Want My Kids To Be Happy.” “Or invite your neighbors over for coffee or cocktails,” says Peterson. “This is a great way to get to know each other better.”

Be Gracious
Cooper suggests you offer to collect your neighbors’ newspapers and mail or water their houseplants, when they go away. Or when clearing snow in your driveway, or sweeping, clean a path in front of your neighbor’s home as well.

“Offer to help if your neighbor is in need and you can do it and want to do it. For example, cooking an extra dish for dinner and giving it to a neighbor who is not feeling well or is grief-stricken, will make both of you feel better. Compassion releases feel-good chemistry,” says stress management expert Debbie Mandel, author of “Addicted to Stress.”

Consideration Counts
“Maintain your home well so that it adds appeal to the neighborhood. Don’t allow your landscaping to become a weed patch or dead botanical landscape, and no cars up on blocks,” says Melissa Galt, author of “Change Your Interiors, Change Your Life.”

“Keep your noise levels reasonable,” she says. “Let neighbors if you are expecting packages and ask them if they can accept them for you.”

Address Issues
“It seems simple, but talk to your neighbors if you have a concern,” says Pam Ragland, author of “The 7 Why’s of Addiction” and “Radical Thought Shift.”

Make sure you notify your neighbors if you are planning construction or remodeling, especially if you require a dumpster, says Galt, adding, “don’t forget to invite everyone in for a room or housewarming when the place is ready!”

Safety First
“A good neighbor should offer to be there for their neighbors for any last minute emergencies and vice versa whether it’s taking care of pets, borrowing, etc.,” says Peterson.

“Do offer to be aware of strange vehicles and individuals cruising the neighborhood; everyone is part of safety. Don’t ignore unusual activity and assume it is expected; if in doubt, inquire politely out of kind concern,” says Galt.

If creating a healthy community isn’t motivation enough, think of your own health. “Being a good neighbor is healthy for both mind and body,” says Mandel. “We all need a support system and a helping hand occasionally to manage stress both acute and chronic. Because of proximity, neighbors are easy to make friends with–and we all know how difficult it can be to make new friends. Neighbors are a natural!”

Originally published in Upwardly Mobile Magazine

Down the (New) Garden Path

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This story as it appeared in Upwardly Mobile Magazine

This story as it appeared in Upwardly Mobile Magazine

Long, narrow side yards are often overlooked as valuable garden real estate, but they are especially useful as a way to make small spaces come alive and feel as is they’re part of the landscape. With planning, ingenuity, and a flair for the dramatic, landscape designer Mark Sargent transformed Judy and Rudy Escalera’s formerly confusing, underused space into a glorious side garden destination.

The Escaleras had lived in their Santa Barbara mobile home–in a senior living community next to a golf course–for about four years, when they decided it was time to redo the side yard. Judy was concerned that the gravel path might be dangerous, and she wanted to create a more cohesive, scenic look.

Sargent’s first impression was of “a garden that was semi-landscaped, but it had outgrown itself. There were attempts at little visual side paths but they didn’t really go anywhere and they weren’t inviting enough to make you want to get on them to see where they stopped.”

After consulting with the property manager about restrictions and an analysis of what should stay, what could be used but moved, and what should go in the garden, the two set a budget of $12,000, and got to work.

“We had a lot of resources, a lot of nice plantings to work with,” says Sargent. Though many of the plants were removed and placed in other areas, nothing stayed in its original place except a rose bush, hedges and some olive trees.

The first and most dramatic design change was extending the walkway out to the front property line. The Escaleras chose a “rather daring” Sedona Red flagstone tile that not only addressed the safety concerns and unified the look of the garden, it also had the unintended consequence of warming up the beige color of the house.

Initially Judy wanted to repaint the house when the side yard was done, but the reflection of the tile changed the color. “It was a clever accident,” explains Sargent. “It turns out the Sedona Red ties in so well that it made the house look like it was the right color.”

“Another thing that we did was change the steps at the side of the house,” says Judy. “We changed the design so that it had a little landing and the rail comes down like open arms, sort of saying ‘hi, here we are, welcome.’ You follow that beautiful red pathway and then on up into the different areas in the garden.”

Creating a pathway with a variety of interesting groupings of plantings–including Plumeria, Loropetalum, Aloe, Hydrangea, Jacob’s Ladder, Agave, Little Ollie, and Azalea–“helped give a sense of largeness to the garden so that the stairs didn’t just go marching straight down to the front door in a boring way,” says Sargent.

They also incorporated a birdbath, succulent rock garden, patio, an antique garden bench, and a water feature into the space. “It’s amazing that you can fit in so much and still end up not feeling overwhelmed by objects and feel that you actually have places to go,” says Sargent.

Other than trimming the olive trees and the hedges, the Escaleras are able to maintain the garden themselves, an important consideration for seniors and people on a budget. “I love to putter around,” says Judy. “It just gives me so much pleasure.”

Originally published in Upwardly Mobile Magazine

HELPING THE HOMELESS

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DR. LYNNE JAHNKE

If you mention Dr. Lynne Jahnke’s name to a homeless person, they might not know who you’re talking about. But if you mention her by her street nickname–“Dr. J”–their eyes light up and it’s a whole different story. “Yeah, I know Dr. J,” says Mitch, a Santa Barbaran who sleeps near the train tracks and spends his days at the downtown public library. “She’s cool. She’ll fix you right up with what you need.”

Jahnke–along with social worker Ken Williams and sometimes her assistant, Klea Kalionzes–hits the streets of Santa Barbara twice a week in search of homeless people in need of medical treatment. Often, her base of operations is a Volkswagen van filled with gear and space for “the guys to put their shopping carts if I need to take them to the hospital or the clinic,” she says. Sometimes, she’ll simply strap on a backpack full of medical supplies and cold water and go in search of homeless camps where she can help the sick and injured.

Street medicine is a long road from oncology, Jahnke’s first specialty. After practicing as a cancer specialist for almost ten years in San Francisco and Chicago, she came to town in 2000 to work at the Cancer Center of Santa Barbara. But two years ago, while in her mid-40s, Jahnke retired from oncology–“rewarding, meaningful work,” she says, “but I just decided I’d had enough oncology.” In a serendipitous turn of events, she met some people who were working with the homeless, and found her new calling. “It’s completely different but it feels great,” she says. “These people really have nothing–they’re so grateful if you give them a Tylenol or a Band-Aid. They can’t believe that a doctor is actually going out on the street and seeing them there.”

Although she loved being a cancer doctor, Jahnke says she continues to work with the homeless “because working in primary care with the homeless reminds me of the open heart and desire to help people that made me want to become a doctor 25 years ago. The patients are so kind and grateful for my care and the many other people who provide services to the homeless are wonderful to work with as well.”

Though she considers herself “retired,” and receives just a small stipend, when she’s not doing street rounds, Jahnke can be found three days a week at the lower eastside Casa Esperanza Homeless Shelter clinic, which offers 30 medical beds for patients released from the hospital who are still too ill to go back out on the streets. “I do a lot in coordinating the hospital discharges. I have working relationships with the doctors there,” says Jahnke.

Working with the homeless is a regular reminder to Jahnke of how fortunate she is. “This is why I went to medical school,” she says. “To take care of people who really need it.”

Originally published in Santa Barbara Magazine in Fall 2008.

Pledging Beta

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Recovering Alpha Mom shirt from cafepress.com

Recovering Alpha Mom shirt from cafepress.com

The book practically leapt off the library shelf and into my hands. How could I resist a title like, The Sweet Potato Queens’ Guide to Raising Children for Fun and Profit? Jill Conner Browne‘s sassy bon mots just cracked me up.

–(On men) “They’ve basically got two gears–horny and hungry.”

–(On women) “There is all kinds of stuff that you just shouldn’t ask any woman. Directly. If you want to know something personal about her, ask her nail technician or somebody who went to high school with her. You can find out just about anything you want to know about her this way–especially if she’s a bad tipper or was prone to stealing ninth grade boyfriends.”

–(On children) “Somewhere around 11 to 13, the eyeballs of children become extremely loose in their sockets, so that just about any disturbance in the air around them–say a word issuing forth from, say, your mouth–will cause immediate and severe rolling.” (My son must be precocious, because he started doing this at age 8)

–(On aging) “Who cares how old you are anyway? I’ve got waaay more interesting stuff to lie about in my life, thank you very much.”

I related to a lot of the book, but there was one section in particular that really hit a nerve. I had been struggling all summer with the question of how much I want to volunteer at my son’s school this year, and her observations about Alpha Moms really hit home for me. Last year I raised my hand to volunteer a few too many times and by the end of June I was burnt out, bitchy and resentful–leaving my husband only hungry.

Not wanting to go through that again–or needlessly torture my family–I thought long and hard and decided to give up some of the boards and committees and projects I had been involved with. My problem was, I still felt guilty.

Then I read the chapter titled, “Life is Hard Enough–Pledge Beta.” Conner Browne talks about how researchers have now come up with official categories for moms, including the “dearly demented and overtly overachievers,” otherwise known as Alpha Moms.

I’m sure you know the type. These women volunteer for everything so energetically that you could swear they’ve sucked all the energy out of the universe for themselves. Just looking at them makes me tired.

These are the women who laugh at the black and orange crepe paper you were so proud of yourself for remembering to bring for Halloween party, then furiously whirl around the room until it’s transformed into Disney’s Haunted House, complete with magic elevators and hitchhiking ghosts. Then they refuse to take compliments because they “just whipped everything up” the night before after their Pilates and Mandarin Chinese classes.

Those are Alpha Moms I realized. I always thought they were called Skinny Witches. Who knew?

A light bulb went on. I had been struggling to be an Alpha Mom, but I just don’t fit in. Why didn’t I see it before? I was trying to pledge the wrong sorority.

I can’t keep myself perfectly groomed and wear heels all the time. Who am I kidding? I consider myself well dressed if I go a day without spilling something on my shirt. Clearly I’m meant to be a Beta Mom.

Beta Moms, according to Conner Browne, “show up late, running down the halls, flip-flops flapping on the floor, breathing hard, sweating, wearing oversized T-shirts and frantic,” because they forgot about the stupid party until five minutes AFTER they were supposed to be there.

These are my people. I belong with the Betas, who the Alpha Moms only trust to bring paper towels and garbage bags to the party, but still bring extras in case we forget.

Boy do I feel better now.

I think I’ll take Conner Browne’s advice–“I can tell you this with absolute certainty: Nobody goes to the nursing home wishing they’d served on a few more committees or kept a cleaner house”–and just say no to a whole lot of things this school year.

And in keeping with my new Beta Mom m.o., “The Sweet Potato Queens’ Guide to Raising Children for Fun and Profit” is overdue to the library. But I just may have to keep it a teensy bit longer.

Send an email to email if you want to pledge Beta. There are no meetings, no dues, and no expectations. But we just may have a party someday.
Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on August 29, 2008.

Kindergarten Redshirts

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Photo chomnancoffee, freedigitalphotos.net

Photo chomnancoffee, freedigitalphotos.net

School starts this week and a lot of families will be getting a late start–on purpose.

No, I’m not talking about those people who simply choose to extend their summers until after Labor Day, the way God intended. I’m talking about the people who decide to give their children an extra year filled with preschool or playtime before the academic rigors of kindergarten begin.

This graying of kindergarten is an interesting phenomenon. For many parents–especially the upper-middle class ones who can afford to stomach the extra year of preschool on the front end and extra year of supporting a child on the back end until s/he graduates from high school or college–the calculation goes something like this: you look at your four-year-old darling, especially if he’s a boy–because they tend to be squirrelier and less verbal when they’re little–and realize that his summer or fall birthday means that he’ll be younger than most of the other kids in his kindergarten class. So you decide to send him to school a year later. Then he’s at the older end of his class, with the presumption that his added maturity will give him an edge from grade to grade.

Private schools have a later birthday cutoff, but even in public school sometimes principals or teachers may suggest waiting another year to start is in your child’s best interest.

Not to mention their own.

One kindergarten teacher I know, Tammy, was nervous about commenting (which is why all of these names are pseudonyms), but did offer this, “All I can say is I’m really NOT into parents starting their kids at age four (turning five in the fall). That’s the worst.”

And as a parent, there is nothing worse than watching one kid who is not ready to be in school dominate all of the teacher’s attention for an entire year.

“I do believe that if a child is really immature, cannot hold a pencil, write their name, color a page and stay within the lines pretty well, cannot sit down long enough to listen to a story, cannot retell one fact from the story, and cannot follow a few simple instructions, then another year would be good for them to practice these steps in preschool,” says Chandra, another kindergarten teacher.

The other part of this equation is that “kindergarten is the new first grade,” according to many educators. Although most adults remember kindergarten as an idyllic year of naps, snacks and feeding the class hamster, it has become more and more academically demanding. With the advent of “No Child Left Behind” the pressure to teach things earlier and earlier gets even worse.

An estimated nine percent of children nationally are entering kindergarten a year later than they could, though there’s little evidence that children perform better in school if they start late.

But the decision to redshirt is such an individual one, and the research on the academic side–while mounting as a topic worthy of interest and study, especially since almost half the states have pushed back their birthday cutoffs since 1975–is still unclear.

At the same time, no one that I spoke to who redshirted their child regretted it.

“I absolutely did it,” says Wendy, whose son’s birthday is in late November. “Best thing I ever did. Especially with a boy. I have a girlfriend that did the opposite and her son is always the ‘baby’ of the class, and although she doesn’t see it, he suffers greatly for it. Pure immaturity. And they get meaner as they get older.”

To some professionals, redshirting children is necessary because kindergartens are more concerned with academics than with the emotional and physical development of youngsters. To others, the practice is not much better than coddling.

“I found that with some kids they acted young because their parents babied them, so it did not matter if they were one year older or not,” says Yvonne, another teacher friend.

Sometimes families decide to redshirt for reasons unique to their family dynamics. I have one friend, Darlene, who held back her second son because otherwise he and his older brother would have been one grade apart, and she didn’t want them competing so closely on the academic, social and athletic playing fields.

It’s no accident that the term “redshirt” comes from athletics, since the one place where redshirting is a proven advantage is on the sports field. Up until a few years ago the birthday cutoff date for Little League was July 31, which is a lot better explanation than astrology for the fact that 60 percent more Major League Baseball players are born in August than in July.

Aside from stacking the sports odds in favor of kids, experts also worry that redshirting puts low-income students at an extra disadvantage. The children who end up going to school young because their parents can’t afford to hold them back are also the ones with the least preparation and lowest rates of participation in preschool. Then those children arrive at school and have to compete with older, better prepared students whose parents may demand more challenging classrooms so their kids aren’t bored.

Still, parents are understandably more concerned with their own child than the bigger picture.

“Around the teenage years, it really starts to suck when your child is a full year younger than all his friends,” says Lola, whose son is entering high school having just turned14. “All the friends who are a year older start to like members of the opposite sex, start growing hair in lot of new places, think their parents are idiots, don’t want to play video games anymore, want to be downtown all the time and get their driver’s license long before your child who is the correct age for their grade. This leaves the correct age for their grade child feeling inadequate to say the least, not to mention lost and confused.”

Of course no one wants their child to have any disadvantages, which is why my friend Angie might have the best idea of all. “My recommendation to parents would be to have babies born between October-March.”

Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on August 22, 2008.

When you know you’re a grownup

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UntitledLast weekend we were heading down to the beach and as I rummaged through the five bottles of sunscreen and three different hats in my trunk I had a stunning revelation–I might actually be a grownup!

My days of frying on the sand in a mixture of baby oil and iodine are certainly over. I don’t even call Hendry’s Beach “the Pit” anymore because hardly anyone knows what I’m talking about. Now I’m that lady in the hat and huge sunglasses that makes sure to bring water and snacks for the kids. Wow, I might actually be a grownup.

Here are some other signs:

My friends have stopped hooking up, then splitting up. Now they’re getting married and divorced. And sometimes they’re dating people half their age–and it’s legal.

The last time I went to Disneyland, my favorite rides were the ones that didn’t hurt my back.

I could have gone to high school with Barack Obama. He would have been a senior, but still, we could have gone to school together.

No matter how impossibly cute the shoes are, I won’t wear them for more than an hour if they hurt my feet.

I’ve actually started mailing in those rebate offers.

My friend Sandy has a daughter that graduated from college, and Sandy is younger than I am.

A $4 bottle of wine no longer tastes “just fine” to me.

At the gym the other day I saw an aerobics class that looked about my speed, then realized it was for seniors.

Not only have I stopped buying cereal for the toy prizes, I’ve started stocking up on Raisin Bran and Cheerios when it’s on sale.

Sometimes my idea of a fun Friday night out involves pizza, Scrabble, and not leaving the house.

I consider the speed limit more than “just a guideline.”

I call my doctor by his first name, I’ve seen him drunk, and I still trust him.

Sometimes I hear my mom’s voice coming out of my mouth (“Because I said so.”) and it only freaks me out a little, but every once in a while, I’ll look in the mirror and see my mom’s face and it freaks me out a lot.

There’s a lot more food in my refrigerator than beer.

Thinking about having sex in a car makes me fantasize about back injuries.

When Koss asked me the other day, I couldn’t remember how to make a cursive capital “T” since it’s not a part of my signature.

When my friends suddenly become very moody, I wonder if they’re pre-menopausal, rather than pregnant.

I left a concert early at the County Bowl this year because I was too stressed out about someone getting hurt in the mosh pit to enjoy the music.

When the phone rings, I always hope it’s not for me.

I finally know for sure that my secrets are safe with my friends because they can’t remember them either.

Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on August 15, 2008.