Let Lying Liars Lie

Posted on October 23, 2009 by lesliedinaberg

I try to teach my son that honesty is the best policy, but truthfully, I don’t always tell the truth.

I’ve got lies on my mind this week because I saw The Invention of Lying, which, despite a great high concept – in a world where people can only tell the truth, one man discovers he can lie – is a wildly uneven mess of a movie. But it did make me think about how many white lies I routinely tell in the course of an average day.

I contemplated the idea of keeping a lying journal, then tracking when I was tempted to lie and whether I would be able to resist the temptation to fib if I was more aware of it. But why lie to myself? That’s way too ambitious and I wouldn’t last a day, let alone a week.

From the time-saving auto-response “I’m fine” after an innocent query of “How are you doing?” (Which I’m sure the grocery store checker and the people in line behind me would much prefer to “I just ate a donut from the display case and killed a man, and I’m not sure which is worse.”), to the “Of course I’m not too busy” response when a friend calls and they desperately need to talk, I’m a scarily skillful liar. Innocent little fibs like this are second nature for me.

Whether it’s the art of the artful dodge – when my son asks what happened to the M & M’s he had left over from the movies, and I remind him that he needs to unload the dishwasher – or the skillful sidestep – when my husband wonders what happened to the $100 cash he just got from the ATM and I tell him how handsome he is – I’ve come to realize that lying is one of the few things I do rather gracefully.

It’s just my luck that lying – the one useful skill that comes naturally for me -also comes saddled with an entire storage unit full of guilt and ambivalence.

At least I’m not alone.

Research by Dr. Robert S. Feldman of the University of Massachusetts Amherst found that in an average 10-minute discussion, 60 percent of people lie approximately three times. Of course, he may have just made that up.

Moms are the worst offenders of all. “We are surprised by how often parenting by lying takes place,” said researcher Kang Lee of the University of Toronto, Canada. “Our findings showed that even the parents who most strongly promoted the importance of honesty with their children engaged in parenting by lying,” said Lee, who reported her conclusions in a study published in last month’s “Journal of Moral Education.”

Yes, such a journal really exists. And now that I’ve confessed my lying proclivities you probably won’t ever find my name on their masthead, unless I lie about my lying, which I would never do unless I had a really, really, really good story idea that would be perfect for their publication.

I’m even more ambivalent about cultural lies, like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. I sort of want to be honest about them, but I don’t want my son to be the one to burst some other kid’s bubble, and he’s scrupulously honest enough to enjoy doing just that. Plus, I don’t want to get in trouble from the other parents.

This may be why I floundered a bit when Koss recently tested his suspicions about Tabitha. (Tabitha is his Tooth Fairy, who has been writing him notes and sprinkling pixie dust on his dollar coins for almost a decade. I say if you’re going to perpetuate a lie about a fictional character, you may as well go big.) He told us that he wasn’t going to put a particular tooth under his pillow. For four nights in a row there was no tooth. We checked. Then finally on the fifth night he decided to “test Tabitha” and put his tooth under the pillow. We failed to check. The next morning when Koss said he knew there was no tooth fairy, I mumbled and fumbled for a response, finally settling on: “Are you sure? Maybe she just got stuck in traffic.”

Smoooth. I guess I’m not as good of a liar before I’ve had my coffee. That’s also when I catch myself hastily hiding certain gruesome newspaper headlines underneath the sports page before Koss comes to breakfast, which of course makes him all the more curious about what I’m hiding.

While the socially expedient lies come easily, I get a bit rattled under pressure to prevaricate. A few weeks ago when Koss’s school was on lockdown, I told him everyone was safe before I knew it was true. I hoped it was true.

So maybe there’s a bit of wishful thinking in my lies.

I’m in good company here too. An online survey found that 91 percent of women said that as they get older and more comfortable with themselves they lie less often. If I wasn’t 29, this might apply to me too.

Share the biggest whopper of a lie you’ve ever told with Leslie@LeslieDinaberg.com. For more columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com. Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on October 23, 2009.

Noozhawk Talks: Leslie Dinaberg Sits Down With Lynn Montgomery

Posted on November 17, 2008 by lesliedinaberg

Lynn Montgomery (courtesy photo)

Children’s book author sees the beauty in every opportunity.

Award-winning documentary producer and television writer Lynn Montgomery
recently turned her talents to Butt Ugly, a children’s picture book that tells the
story of a loveable little green mutt who needs a home. Not only does this heart-
warming story teach children important lessons about self-esteem, the book was
printed in a 100% green manner.

Leslie Dinaberg: How did you go from writing television to writing your book, “Butt
Ugly?”

Lynn Montgomery: When I was writing television I was working 100 hours a week and didn’t
have children … I stayed in television for about 10 years, the amount of money
that they give you to write for television is obscene. And I was never doing it
really for the money, I was doing it because I loved to write and I loved to write
more than I loved to get all this money, so eventually the love of writing went out
for me in television and I decided that I would just write features and continue
with writing some books that I had started.

LD: So you’re working on both picture books and young adult books. Are they all
comedic?

LM: Well I have a comedic voice. … My goal is to make you laugh and make you
cry and if I accomplish both of those then I am really happy.

LD: How did you decide to incorporate the green aspects into the book?

LM: I have always been passionate about the environment. … In writing a
children’s book, this was an opportunity to make it as green as possible. The
story is for children that is an uplifting important story about self-esteem with the
name-calling, but also is a way to educate the children about the environment
and about recycling. This book is made 100% recycled- the paper is 100%
recycled, the paper is not bleached, so it doesn’t produce any dioxins in the
bleaching processing, … most ink is petroleum-based ink, this ink is vegetable
based ink and then I even was able to go a step further. It was printed in the U.S.
because most four-color children’s books … the vast majority of four-color
children’s books are printed in Asia, in Singapore and China, and there are no
environmental standards. Ancient forests being cut down to print children’s books
where we tell stories about preserving the environment. It makes no sense to me.
So this was printed in the U.S. and it was printed by a printer in St. Louis that
runs on wind power.

LD: Wow.

LM: I just did as much research as I possibly could to find out how could I make
this as green as green can be. … Then after the book was printed, I found out
about this new wonderful organization called Eco Libris … it’s a tree offset
company … when you make a contribution to them a tree will be planted in a
developing company. … So not only is the book green and no trees were cut
down to create this book, but also trees are being planted if you buy this
book.

LD: That’s great. That’s really a nice give back.

LM: So you can feel good about buying the book.

LD: How does that pencil out in terms of the cost of the book?

LM: It’s twice as expensive to publish a book this way, but we have to start. I’m
not going to make a lot of money on this book, but what I’m trying to do is start a
conversation within the publishing world.

LD: And you are also donating some money from the book to CALM.

LM: Yes, some of the proceeds are going to CALM. I used to be on the board of
CALM … also some of the proceeds will go to animal rescue
organizations.

LD: Are you working on another children’s book?

LM: Yes, there’s another on in the series which is called Butt Ugly Love, he falls
in love with the most beautiful dog he every saw. She’s absolutely perfect and
he’s smitten at first sight. It’s about true love and you find out on the last page as
they are strutting off into the sunset that she only has three legs. Of course he
never saw that and it didn’t matter he’s in love and she’s perfect she’s
beautiful.

LD: That’s very sweet.

LM: … Then there’s a third in the series,Butt Uglier, and that’s of course when
they have puppies. And then that’s it.

LD: So where are you with the books?

LM: Butt Ugly Love will be out around Christmas 09, the story is written and the
illustrator is working on the illustrations and right now she’s at the point of trying
to conceptualize what this beautiful dog that he falls in love with will look like.

LD: Is the illustrator someone you had a connection to?

LM: The illustrator is Terrie Redding, she was from Santa Barbara and she
moved to Dallas, Texas a couple of years ago. … Then my husband does all the
coloration and then the layout. I had no idea what a huge aspect of book
publishing art direction would be.

LD: What’s your husband’s name?

LM: Richard Kriegler. He is an Art Director, Matte Painter and Concept Artist and
he’s done scores of movies, and children’s films, he’s done Stuart Little and
Pinocchio and Thomas and the Magic Railroad and he also did Contact and
What Dreams May Come.

LD: That was a beautiful looking movie.

LM: What Dreams May Come, what inspired him, he did the concept work for
that movie, and do you remember the art that he disappeared into? Those were
inspired by Richard’s paintings that are hanging in our house.

LD: Oh, those are gorgeous.

LM: So I always say thank goodness I’m married to Richard because otherwise I
never would have been able to afford him … He’s also the art director for one of
the top selling videos games in the world. So I tell him that this is his penance he
has to pay for taking children away from reading, he has to art direct all of my
children’s books.

LD: How long have you been in town?

LM: We’ve been here going on 11 years. I first moved here, our big entree into
Santa Barbara, this big old run down house that had been on the market for four
years, I think. And then when we bought it somebody told me about CALM and
how they do the designer showcase house. And we had done houses before and
renovated them but never one quite this large and never one where we had two
small children. Hannah was six months old at the time. So we put the house up
to be a design showcase house … so it’s like we came into town and opened our
home to thousands of people. So I am always running into people that say, “Oh
yeah, do you still have that train bed in your son’s room?” (Laughs) Everybody in
town has been in our house.

LD: What else do you do when you’re not working?

LM: Well I love to garden, I love to go on walks through beautiful Santa Barbara,
and I mean we’re so lucky to live here. I explore areas up the coast, I love to
hike. To take care of my chickens. I love to watch the chickens in the garden. I
always feel like I’m looking at an old painting, just watching the chickens walk
through and free range in the garden, it’s so beautiful and peaceful. I think it must
lower your blood pressure.

… I’m always working on some cause. Right now it’s to the send the fifth graders
at Roosevelt to Astronomy Camp. … We need to raise $15,000 to send the kids,
and I happened to raise my hand at the meeting and said I’ll take that
on.

LD: It’s supposed to be a great camp.

LM: … Our fundraiser is going to be a Chicken Coop Tour, Loupe de Coop on
March 22.

LD: That sounds really fun.

Vital Stats: Lynn Montgomery

Born: Upland, CA, on April 24th

Family: Husband Richard Kriegler; daughter Hannah, 10; and son Austin,
15

Civic Involvement: CALM, Roosevelt School, Pearl Chase Society

Professional Accomplishments: Won a Writer’s Guild Award Adapting Mrs. Piggle
Wiggle for Showtime and Universal; won an LA Emmy award for writing and
producing a documentary that dealt with the failures of the child abuse protective
system in Los Angeles; produced a 100% green children’s four-color children’s
picture book, Butt Ugly.

Best Book You’ve Read Recently: “The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, It was
wonderful for getting inside the head of a dog; there are some chapters in there
that I will re-read many times in my life, but they’ll always make me cry.”

Little-Known Fact: “I have never had a beer in my life, but I love wine.”

Originally published in Noozhawk on November 16, 2008. Click here to read it.

A Passion for History Brings Heroic Tale to Life

Posted on May 20, 2008 by lesliedinaberg

Refusenik documentary has West Coast Premiere at the Plaza de Oro Theater

Finding a career that combines her interests in art, social justice, history and international politics is a dream come true for filmmaker Laura Bialis. Her documentary, Refusenik, (www.refusenikmovie.com) which chronicles the thirty-year international movement to free Soviet Jews, opens Friday night at the Plaza de Oro Theater. The movie will run for a week and Bialis will be there on Sunday at the 2 p.m. and 5 p.m. screenings to answer questions about her experiences making the film, which has been described as “a tapestry of first-person accounts of heroism, sacrifice, and ultimately, liberation,” as told through the eyes of activists on both sides of the Iron Curtain–many of whom survived punishment in Soviet Gulag labor camps.

The screenings are a coming home of sorts for Bialis, a 1991 San Marcos High graduate, whose parents–Ellen and Gary Bialis–still live in Santa Barbara. She had her first job as an intern, working for Rod Lathim at the now-closed Access Theatre. “It’s interesting because that was a nonprofit, and now I’m running a nonprofit for the arts and Rod is on the board of my nonprofit,” said Bialis.

She’s certainly come full circle.

An avid historian and film buff, Bialis created the Foundation for Documentary Projects (http://documentaryprojects.org) as a way to fuse her love of history with her passion for filmmaking. Her 1999 film, Tak For Alt– Survival of a Human Spirit, (http://www.takforalt.net/) told the story of Holocaust survivor turned Civil Rights activist Judy Meisel, a Santa Barbara resident. The film chronicles Meisel’s journey back to Eastern Europe to re-trace her wartime journey: from the Kovno Ghetto through the Stutthof Concentration Camp, and ultimately on to Denmark, where she was liberated and restored to health by an outpouring of Danish compassion.

Tak For Alt enjoyed a brief theatrical distribution, aired on PBS and won many awards–from Anti-Defamation League and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, among others–and is now being used by teachers in over thirty states, and has been implemented into history curricula in many school districts.

The seeds for the development of “Refusenik” were actually planted at a screening of “Tak For Alt” in Omaha, Nebraska. After every screening, people would come up to me and want me to make a movie about them or their grandmother or someone else they knew, laughed Bialis. ” We were inundated with all these requests, but these people in Omaha were just adamant that I meet this activist, Shirley Goldstein. She actually gave the first seed grant for the movie. We used it to do a trailer which we used to raise the money to make Refusenik.”

While the story of the “Refuseniks” isn’t widely known, it’s a powerful one. In the early 1960s, reports came to the West of blatant anti-Semitism in the Communist-controlled Soviet Union. For example, the government was closing synagogues, the study of Hebrew was forbidden, Soviet Jews were required by law to carry “internal passports” identifying their Jewish heritage, and they were barred from studying at many universities and refused entrance into selected professions. Yet those who asked permission to emigrate were told they could never leave, effectively making the Soviet Jews prisoners in their own country.

Bialis interviewed more than 100 people and shot more than 200 hours of interview footage to tell the story of the “Refuseniks,” who took the unprecedented step of publicly challenging the communist regime. The film chronicles their stories of courageous activism and tales of hardship: the development of an underground Hebrew school; risky smuggling of information to the West; fear of being arrested; shock of being brought to trial on trumped up charges; and suffering in prison or in exile merely for demanding freedom.

“My first degree (she did her undergraduate work at Stanford, followed by USC film school) is in history, so I actually approached it like I was doing some sort of archiving project,” she said. “I started out by asking people about how they were involved … it was such a grassroots movement. The rallies would get hundreds of thousands people involved.”

Eventually, the activists’ incessant demands pushed the issue and legislators enacted a law limiting the amount of business the United States would conduct with countries that violated human rights–the first time the United States placed restrictions on a country for rights abuses of its own population. Nuclear disarmament negotiations with the USSR included American demands for a change in Soviet emigration policies and in 1989, the Soviet Union finally succumbed to international pressure and the gates were opened.

“It might be the most successful human rights movement of all time,” said Bialis. “At the end of the movement 1.5 million Jews got out of the Soviet Union. It was a very inspiring thing.”

She worked on the project for five years, traveling around the world to track down different pieces of the story. “Though it’s about a historical movement, this is a really timely issue because there are still human rights violations going on around the world. Sometimes we need to be reminded of what is possible if you believe that what you’re doing is right.”

Refusenik opens Friday, May 23, 2008 at the Plaza de Oro Theater, 371 South Hitchcock Way, Santa Barbara, 805.963.9503 (http://www.movietickets.com/house_detail.asp?exid=met&house_id=2278).

Originally published in Noozhawk on May 20, 2008.

Backstory: Behind the Scenes of “Citizen McCaw”

Posted on March 1, 2008 by lesliedinaberg

The implosion of the Santa Barbara News-Press newsroom 18 months ago sparked a labor battle, which led to the departure of dozens of staffers, the creation of a union, and a swarm of legal actions. Now the story is reaching the big screen, with the March 7th world premiere of Citizen McCaw, a full-length documentary examination of the past year and a half at the local daily and its effect on the community.

For the film’s co-producers–Rod Lathim, Charles Minsky, Peter Seaman and Sam Tyler, all locals–the project has been a time-consuming, pro bono, labor of love.

Asked what made them decide the events at the News-Press would make a good topic for a documentary, Tyler said, “It’s a great story. … You have a newspaper, you have a community, you have the courts, you have national voices, national interests, and they are all involved in this really bizarre and very, very unusual meltdown of a hometown daily paper. … You have a wealthy woman. You have her boyfriend, you have people quitting into an uncertain job market, you have community protesters, and you have judges and lawyers. I mean it’s just a wild, crazy scene, and all of the elements of a really interesting story.”

It was Tyler, the producer of documentaries such as In Search of Excellence and Good to Great, who got the ball rolling.

“He called me up one day and we had coffee and he mentioned it was a shame what was going on with the News-Press and wouldn’t it be great if we made a documentary about it? I could tell he was passionate about it, and it turned out, so was I,” said Minsky, director of photography for films such as Pretty Woman and The Producers. “What has happened to the News-Press hit me hard. I like getting up and reading the paper every morning and we had a very good paper here, before all this happened. So I guess I was a little mad as well, and wanted to find out what everyone else thought about our situation.”

“You can’t write this stuff. … If you made up all this stuff, people would go ‘Oh, c’mon, you’re trying too hard to come up with something,'” said Lathim, a fourth generation Santa Barbara native who founded Access Theatre and spearheaded development of the Marjorie Luke Theatre. “They are writing the story. It’s not our story, although we are a part of it because we live here. … Another reason why we’re doing it is that whether we want to be part of the story or not, we are because we’re Santa Barbara residents. We care about our community. We want to know what the news is and we want to make sure that people are treated fairly and that we can trust our news and get our news in places where it’s trustworthy.”

“Personally, I got angry every time I went to the end of my driveway here in Carpinteria and picked up my News-Press. I’d been doing that every morning for the last 15 years and, like a lot of people in Santa Barbara, got very attached to the paper and its writers. Suddenly everything changed. Where’d Barney Brantingham go? John Zant? Melinda Burns? What the hell happened to the paper I used to know?” said Seaman, writer of films such as Shrek the Third and Who Framed Roger Rabbit. “So that’s where the interest started for me. Plus I knew Sam Tyler and Rod Lathim and Chuck Minsky, and their own interest in doing the film fed mine.”

The story is told in a timeline, started with Thomas Storke and the history of the News-Press, and then on through Wendy McCaw’s reign. “What’s happened here in Santa Barbara is a cautionary tale for comparable issues potentially around the country,” said Tyler. “It hasn’t exploded this way anywhere else, When Rupert Murdoch bought the Wall Street Journal, ” there wasn’t one-hundredth of the smoke around there that there is here in this inferno around Santa Barbara. They’re comparable issues.”

While the documentarians are clearly passionate about their subject, “we don’t insert ourselves in this film. We never intended to and we didn’t,” said Lathim. “The story is told onscreen by the people involved in the story. Our role in this really is to piece all the pieces of the puzzle together.”

Those pieces include interviews with national leaders in journalism, such as Washington Post Executive editor Ben Bradlee, former NBC News reporter Sander Vanocur, and Harvard’s Alex Jones. The ex-News-Press staffers are represented, as is McCaw, although not willingly.

“She refused half a dozen requests for interviews, had her lawyer send us four nasty letters and subpoenaed our footage,” said Tyler. With that caveat, the filmmakers insist her point-of-view is still represented. “I think she’s probably in it six times herself, her own words in black and white, put fairly up in context representing her point of view,” he said. “She actually appears speaking a couple of times, and her lawyers are in two or three times. So she has at least a dozen presentations of her point of view in this film, directly countering the other. Like Jerry Roberts said, ‘I quit because of ethics,’ Wendy McCaw said, ‘No he didn’t. That’s a lot of bull.’ What goes on here is the same thing that goes on in newsrooms everywhere. I mean viewers make up their own minds.”

Originally published in Noozhawk on March 1, 2008.

Bleeping Sally Field

Posted on September 21, 2007 by lesliedinaberg

What is it with Sally Field and award show speeches?

Her dorky “you like me, you really like me” gushing from the Academy Awards Show 22 years ago, still ranks as one of the all-time-most-memorable Oscar speeches.

And at Sunday night’s Emmys, she did it again.

OK, so she could have used a better script. And sure, she got flustered, lost her place, and babbled her lines. But somehow Sally Field still managed to deliver the best momologue I’ve heard at an awards show since, well, her Best Actress win back in 1987.

Bleep the delivery, thanks to the Bleeping Fox network, her censored sentiment–“if the mothers ruled the world, there would be no g–damn wars in the first place”–certainly got my attention. There are surely more articulate ways to speak out against the Bleeping war or praise the nonviolent instincts of women, but that’s beside the point.

Thanks to the Bleeping Bleeps at Fox, Gidget–whom a number of web surfers apparently thought rode her way into the sunset 20 years ago–cowabunga-ed her way into a gigantic wave of media attention.

Instead of being just another Hollywood headliner, seizing her 15 forgettable seconds on the soap box, the Flying Nun’s momologue actually inspired some dialogue and debate about war, God, freedom of speech and censorship.

Who knew that a silly Bleeping awards show could end up being so thought provoking?

I have no problem–obviously–with someone using their minute in the spotlight to voice their own personal views.

Most people blow it. Either they thank a bunch of people that work for them and forget to thank their nearest and dearest, or they thank the Almighty and forget to thank the director who made them look so much better than they actually were.

At least Sally Field tried to do something constructive with her few moments in the spotlight.

Not surprisingly, some people had a field day mocking the idea that putting a woman in charge might actually lead to more peaceful solutions, using examples like Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, and Margaret Thatcher as mothers who went to war.

I think that’s a load of Bleep.

Nothing makes you value human life more than giving birth to a 15-pound baby with a 21-inch-wide head–unless of course you do it without an epidural, in which case you’d happily start bombing Canada just to distract yourself.

In 1870, long before Hallmark even existed, Julia Ward Howe dreamed up Mother’s Day, intending it to be a Mother’s Day for Peace. After nursing the wounded during the American Civil War, she gave a Bleep of a momologue, declaring:

“Arise all women who have hearts, say firmly: Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience. We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. In the name of womanhood and of humanity; take counsel with each other as the means whereby the great human family can live in peace.”

Peace is as patriotic as mom’s apple pie. And so is talking about whatever the Bleep you want to on award shows or anywhere else.

So here’s to bleeping Sally Field. I, for one, really do like her.

Tell us what you think about Sally’s speech, or Leslie’s column for that matter, by emailing email.

Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on September 21, 2007.

In Search of my Inner Audrey

Posted on May 4, 2007 by lesliedinaberg

She was elegance, glamour, sophistication, and charm personified. She taught us the meaning of the word “gamine,” and was the epitome of boyish beauty. It’s been 14 years since her death and almost 30 years since her last major film role, but Audrey Hepburn is still an icon. Today would have been her 78th birthday, and it’s in her honor that I’ve spent the week channeling my inner Audrey.

Day 1

I immerse myself in all that is Audrey by watching “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” “Roman Holiday,” “Charade,” “Sabrina” and “My Fair Lady,” while gracefully sipping champagne and delicately nibbling on Bon Bons. When my husband asks, “What’s for dinner?” I laugh charmingly and say, “Love darling, we’ll dine on love.” He looks hungry and annoyed.

Day 2

I consider getting a pixie haircut, but it’s taken forever to grow the layers out, and I don’t think I have the cheekbones to pull it off. Instead, I buy an enormously stylish hat, which they still sell at Nordstrom. Since I don’t have access to the Ascot Race, I wear it to a Little League game instead. Everything goes with jeans, right? Bad news: my hat blocks the view of the five people behind me. Good news: it stops a foul ball from denting my skull, plus I get a 50 cent coupon to use at the snack bar. Thanks, Audrey.

Day 3

I need a dashing man to accessorize my outfit, but Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart, and Rex Harrison are all dead. My husband dresses in shorts and Hawaiian shirts, so he won’t do. I settle on the ticket taker at the Arlington. He’s a snappy dresser, and in the motion picture business.

Day 4

Trying to make my speech more ladylike, I walk around Paseo Nuevo with marbles in my mouth mumbling, “the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain,” and “wouldn’t it be loverly.” Bad news: I choke on a marble and have to be Heimliched by a group of tourists. Good news: I’m Heimliched with grace and style.

Day 5

I buy myself a swanky cigarette holder, fill it with licorice, and fling it around saying (sans marbles) ” I do well on trips to the powder room. Any gentleman will give a girl $50 for the powder room.” My husband says, “Yeah. What’s for dinner?” What’s this guy’s problem?

Day 6

I do my best to lose the sarcasm. Audrey once claimed, “I could never be cynical. I wouldn’t dare. I’d roll over and die before that.” I do quite well until 7:30 a.m. when my son wakes up. Yeah, like I’m going to spend a whole day not being sarcastic.

Day 7

I try to emulate Audrey’s saintly side by volunteering to read to the blind, sing for the deaf, and walk for the wounded. I get a little discouraged when the news crews don’t show up, and can’t believe that no one brings me Bon Bons. Can I be Audrey? I’ll never fit into those skinny black pants, and her stylish flats make my feet look like U-Boats.

Instead I decide to embrace the one Audrey legacy I can actually live up to: “The most important thing is to enjoy your life –to be happy–that’s all that matters.” To celebrate her birthday I have her quote etched on a champagne glass. I toast my emaciated husband. Cheers to the inner Audrey in all of us.

Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on May 4, 2007

Chick-flick checklist a chemistry lesson

Posted on March 31, 2005 by lesliedinaberg

How does your co-star rate on romance?

Here’s a big fat clue for men everywhere — women like chick flicks. They make us happy. We get all mushy and soft lipped and prone to romantic suggestions — or, as my husband likes to put it, “easy”– when the girl ends up with the right guy on screen.

So why is it that we have to drag men kicking and screaming to go see a chick flick? My friend Kim Adelman, who recently authored The Ultimate Guide to Chick Flicks, theorizes that it starts when they’re teenagers.

“Male teenagers, in particular, seem to have an infallible radar detector warning them away from a film that their mother might enjoy, while female teenagers, (who we all know are smarter, more mature, and have much better taste in movies) innately sense that anything with ‘wedding’ or ‘princess’ in the title is worthy of their patronage.”

Then there are real life romances, which of course, are destined to be compared to the movies. Since Kim took the trouble to outline the ten basic steps in a movie romance, I decided to see how they stack up against my real life.

Step One: Create a Sympathetic Heroine

I’m a sympathetic heroine, right? I mean I know I get a bit cranky sometimes, but I think I’m pretty likeable. And I wear glasses, which help hide some of my movie star glamour and make me look smarter, and uh, help me see.

Step Two: Offer up a Love-Worthy Hero

Like many movie heart throbs, my husband was deeply flawed when we met, and has only improved slightly over the past 16 years. But I’m a glutton for funny — even if it’s sometimes an inappropriate kind of funny — and he still makes me laugh.

Plus, I still have faith that he’s a cad truly worthy of redemption.

Step Three: Don’t Forget the Best Friend

Zak and I met at a wedding, and along with the white lace and promises, there was a whole lot of vodka consumed. Like all romantic heroines, I woke up the next morning still wearing my perfect makeup … and immediately hashed over my hangover with my best friend, Jacqueline. I was sure that this thing with Zak would just be a fling.

My sister still thinks it is.

Step Four: Something’s Wrong with the Heroine’s Life

Like many a chick flick chick, I felt incomplete because I had not yet achieved my destiny. I had just broken up with my college boyfriend and hadn’t yet figured out what I wanted to do with my career. I was, in the words of the trailer, “at a crossroads in my life when our paths crossed.”

Step Five: They Meet

See step three.

Step Six: Toss in Impediments to the Romance

This is the tricky part in contemporary romances. Those huge impediments that used to keep people apart — arranged marriages, class issues, religious wars — don’t really exist for the most part, so there have to be some other challenges. Zak and I had geography to battle. He lived in LA and I lived in Santa Barbara. I’d like to see Romeo and Juliet overcome that.

Step Seven: They Dance

We tangoed, we waltzed, we shook our cabooses and we did the Watoosee. While most guys merely tolerate dancing to appease the women in their lives (kind of like going to chick flicks), Zak actually likes to dance and does a good, albeit silly, job of it.

Plus, a lot of our friends were getting married that summer, so we had many opportunities to drink too much and then partake in what Kim calls, “a cinematic illustration that the heroine and hero are destined for each other.”

Step Eight: Pack in as Many Memorable Moments as Possible

Stolen flowers from my landlady’s yard, Pustafix Bubble O’s and poetry for my birthday, battling Friday night LA traffic to come see me, and Monday morning sleepiness to get back to work — these are the things that true romance is made of.

Step Nine: The Hero Employs the Three Magic Words

“Chick flicks serve up on a beautifully garnished platter another thing we desperately wish real men would do as willingly as their fictional counterparts: say ‘I love you,’ said Kim. Of course movie heroes have the benefit of screenwriters to help them out, but my husband actually is a screenwriter, so you’d think he’d have come up with something incredibly memorable.

Not so much.

Zak’s three magic words, which were long overdue by the time he got around to them, turned into about 13, with all of the “um, um, um’s, uh, uh and urghs.

It’s the thought that counts, right?

Step Ten: Achieve the Ultimate Happy Ending

In movies it’s usually the wedding scene that symbolizes that the courtship story line has concluded satisfactorily, but those of us who’ve been married for a while know that tying the knot is just the beginning.

True love is really all about letting your wife pick the movie.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on March 31, 2005.

My life as a movie

Posted on February 10, 2005 by lesliedinaberg

I did all of my best parenting before I had children.

I had a great “Leslie the Mom” movie going in my mind, where I was always impeccably groomed, incredibly patient, and my three perfect kids were always clean, well-rested and well-behaved — yet somehow not the least bit Stepford-like.

After spending some time at the film festival last week, I realized that making movies is kind of like raising a child.

“When you’re inspired, you have the dream and it’s perfect. Inspiration is perfect,” said Phantom of the Opera director Joel Schumacher, recalling a conversation he had with Woody Allen.

Then you get people involved, and it’s a whole other story.

You start out with a perfect, innocent infant. Ten little fingers, ten little toes and the sweetest little face you’ve ever seen. Your movie couldn’t get any better.

Then people start to give you notes on your project.

“Let him cry and he’ll feel insecure.”

“If you don’t let him cry he won’t learn to soothe himself.”

I know just how Schumacher felt on Batman Forever when the studio told him Nicole Kidman wasn’t sexy and the test audiences said she was too sexy.

Sometimes I wish I could just stamp a “child by Leslie Dinaberg” credit on my son’s head and feel secure in the notion that I directed his progress from infancy to adulthood. But I realize that idea is about as absurd as that “film by” credit you see on almost any movie these days.

As soon as you bring a child into the world you have all kinds of outside influences to contend with, and it’s up to you to filter the harmless things (Grandma gives him an extra cookie before bedtime — no biggie) from the dangerous things (friend’s dad falls asleep with lit cigarette while kids play with Uzi’s and lawn darts — biggie).

“You’ve got to trust your instincts, even when no one else agrees with you,” said Jeff Arch, who directed Dave Barry’s Guide to Guys.

Sometimes this involves acting like you think saying, “because I said so” is a satisfying answer to “but all the other kindergarteners are allowed to drink beer and drive their parent’s cars” — even if you’re faking it.

“The buck stops with you. You have got to give the impression that you know what you’re doing, even if you don’t, ” said Hotel Rwanda director Terry George.

Sure the buck may stop with me, but unless I want to raise a bubble boy, I need to realize that his friends, teachers, coaches, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even current events have parts to play.

Paying attention to those outside influences just makes sense. If nothing else, at you can share the blame with these other people when something goes wrong.

“You don’t have to take people’s advice or their suggestions, but I think if you don’t listen to them you’re a fool,” said Schumacher.

Of course, there are bound to be conflicts. If my husband and I can’t agree on everything, how could I possibly expect the rest of the world to fall in line with my childrearing philosophy?

Then there’s the reality that children have likes, dislikes and quirks just like the rest of us. I sometimes feel like a stranger in a strange land trying to catch my son’s enthusiasm for Bionicles and snakes, but I don’t have the heart to tell him I’d rather be reading about the sale of Jen and Ben’s engagement ring or Martha Stewart’s post-prison reality show. Unlike Schumacher, who said, “sometimes I read excellent scripts but I think I’m the wrong director,” I don’t have the option to pass on building a fort or playing dinosaur bingo because “we have artistic differences.”

Like the script that comes to life with the right actor in the role, my son has taught me more about what he needs than any other parent or parenting book possibly could. Sure I’m his toughest critic, but I’m also his best audience. I just hope he has a boffo opening weekend, as he’s my retirement plan.

As actor/director Kevin Bacon said, the thing about film festival audiences is that they are there because they love films. Their “enthusiasm is seductive,” and tapping into that enthusiasm is partially why you have film festivals in the first place.

While I probably won’t ever match my son’s enthusiasm for tarantulas or his affection for anacondas, the light in his eyes when I read to him is more than worth the slight nausea in my stomach.

And looking back at that first draft of the “Leslie the Mom” movie, it seems a little boring anyway.

Except maybe the well-rested thing.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on February 10, 2005.

Films to say I’d do to

Posted on January 27, 2005 by lesliedinaberg

(Compiled by Leslie Dinaberg and Daniel Okamura)

Just in case this issue’s emphasis on brides and grooms is giving you a case of wedding envy, here are some of our favorite movies that will bring the bridal party to you. Don’t forget to bring the Kleenex.

Leslie’s Favorite Wedding Movies

1. FUNNY FACE I challenge anyone to find a more beautiful on-screen bride than Audrey Hepburn, in one of the best dresses ever.

2. FATHER OF THE BRIDE Only Elizabeth Taylor could give Audrey a run for her money. The Steve Martin remake also has its charms.

3. CINDERELLA Every little girl’s wedding fantasy starts somewhere. Mine began with Cinderella.

4. MOONSTRUCK When your fiance’s brother is Nicolas Cage, who can blame you for falling for him? Cher has never been better than in this movie, which is one of my all-time favorites.

5. HELLO, DOLLY The matchmaker meets her match. And the catchy tunes add to the fun.

6. THE PRINCESS BRIDE Mushy and silly are a match made in heaven in this modern classic.

7. FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL This is where the world fell in love with Hugh Grant, for good reason. And for anyone who’s done the wedding circuit, his gang of friends strike a cord.

8. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY Forget the snappy dialogue, forget the fabulous clothes, and even forget that it has Cary Grant — Katherine Hepburn’s drunken scene with James Stewart is worth the rental.

9. MY BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz battling it out over Dermot Mulroney is the chick flick equivalent of “who would win in a fight between Spiderman and the Incredible Hulk.”

10. THE WAR OF THE ROSES The tagline was “once in a lifetime comes a motion picture that makes you feel like falling in love all over again. This is not that movie.” It is hysterical, however, and a great break from the stress of planning a wedding.

Daniel’s Favorite Wedding Movies

1. MURIEL’S WEDDING I never thought it was possible to make the music of ABBA such an integral part of a story. Even better, the heroine realizes she doesn’t need to get married to be happy.

2. THE GRADUATE Completely outrageous material about how the good life sometimes isn’t. Anne Bancroft and Dustin Hoffman are golden.

3. HAROLD AND MAUDE Before there was Andie MacDowell, this was the film about weddings and funerals. Dark, hilarious and completely inspiring.

4. THE WEDDING SINGER The greatest charm in this film lies in its rose-colored-glasses throwbacks to pop music of the 1980s.

5. MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING Fun and innocuous, this film is a refreshing take on accepting the things one cannot change. Opa!

6. THE WEDDING BANQUET A sensitive portrayal of the pains of being in the closet while trying to fend off the incessant “When ya gonna get married” question.

7. SAVING SILVERMAN A mediocre movie at best, but what better deus ex machina than Neil Diamond?

8. SABRINA One of the most seminal engagement films and still one of the best. And the remake isn’t bad, either.

9. THE SWEETEST THING Far more gutter-minded and yet far more romantic than most romantic comedies.

10. HONEYMOON IN VEGAS Another guilty pleasure of a film. It’s hard to not be charmed by a troupe of skydiving Elvis impersonators.

So, these are our staff picks. What are yours? E-mail us at opinion@scbeacon.com.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on January 27, 2005.

An Incredibles imagination

Posted on November 18, 2004 by lesliedinaberg

Our Leslie Dinaberg sure gets animated when it comes to fantasizing about superpowers

Ah, to be a super. Is it too much to fantasize about? For the five of you who weren’t at the Metro Theatre last weekend, The Incredibles follows the adventures of a family of former superheroes trying to fit in with the rest of the world by not using their powers. Until one day ….

6:33 a.m.: my alarm goes off. Aargh! Time for my daily dilemma, do I hit the snooze button or hit the gym? A light bulb illuminates above my pillow. With a few superwoman stretches, I am finally the right height for my weight. I can skip the gym and snooze a little bit longer. If only my feet weren’t hanging off the bed.

6:47 a.m.: I hit the snooze again. Now that I’m a superwoman, I can simply jump into my closet/phone booth and jump out perfectly coifed and ready for work. Ka-sweet!

6:49 a.m.: I don’t like this outfit. Sha-hooey! Wrong color. Sha-bizzle! Does my super butt look big? Sha-Channel! Ahh, perfect!

7:32 a.m.: wake up son for school. Use my mind control powers to convince him that he wants Wheat Germ instead of Cocoa Puffs for breakfast. Sha-psyche!

8:03 a.m.: driving to school, it looks a little cloudy. Mmmpf! I send those clouds away with a flick of my fingers, and then teleport that suburban right out of my favorite parking spot at Vieja Valley.

10:45 a.m.: I’ve already completed all my interviews for three stories. It’s amazing the quotes you get when you can read people’s minds. I always thought Marty Blum liked kittens. Meow!

11:37 a.m.: the construction next door to the office is driving me crazy. Yaarg! I use my x-ray vision to see what’s going on. They’re moving way too slowly on the new Walter Claudio spa. I use my mind control ability to convince them to work nights from now on and to give me free facials forever for this cheap plug. Ka-score!

1:15 p.m.: on my way to an interview, a silver Porsche cuts me off to get out of the “exit only” lane of the 101 at Milpas. His mid-life crisis in not my problem. Kapow! He’s got a flat tire.

1:53 p.m.: I’ve only got 45 minutes till my next appointment and my stomach’s growling. Sha-gurgle! I decide to fly over to La Superica and make the line disappear till I’ve got my lunch.

2:17: p.m.: on my way back to the office I fly by Ortega Park. A small child chases a ball onto the street. Mom is nowhere to be found, and the oncoming car doesn’t see the kid. Yowza! I stretch my arms extra long to bring child and ball back to safety. No need to thank me, it’s all in a day’s work. Now I have to write a story about myself.

3:09 p.m.: my meeting is dragging. Zzzz! I go invisible and leave for a while to run some errands. A lady with 14 items in the “10 items or less” line at Vons. Shazam! Learn to count next time! When she gets out to her car a bird will have just done his business on the windshield.

4:30 p.m.: I’ve got one hour to write my story, return seven phone calls and read 57 emails. The phone rings and its my husband reminding me about soccer practice. Holy AYSO Batman! As I calculate ways that my superpowers can help me out of this situation, I spy an ad for The Polar Express, where Tom Hanks plays six different characters in the same movie. Since I only need to do four things simultaneously — write, read, call and kick — my fifth persona goes to see the movie and the sixth one goes home to make dinner.

Me? Make dinner? Rats, I’ve gone too far. Clearly, it was all a fantasy.

Mild-mannered Leslie Dinaberg possesses superhero powers as a wife, mom and reporter. If you’re in trouble, contact her at email

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on November 18, 2004.

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