{"id":3907,"date":"2006-04-14T00:00:00","date_gmt":"1970-01-01T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lesliedinaberg.com\/wordpress\/?p=3907"},"modified":"2016-09-29T10:58:18","modified_gmt":"2016-09-29T17:58:18","slug":"the-abcs-of-parenting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lesliedinaberg.com\/wordpress\/?p=3907","title":{"rendered":"The ABCs of Parenting"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Courtesy

Courtesy Pixabay.com<\/p><\/div>\n

Sure, Passover has just passed over. I’ve got a Matzo Ball hangover to prove it. Yes, the chocolate bunnies are in their spring finest for the first-ever rainy Easter in Santa Barbara. Keep those chocolate umbrellas handy. But with all due respect to those observations, I’ve got another holiday to celebrate. Today, April 14th, is the 178th anniversary of the day that the first edition of Noah Webster’s “American Dictionary of the English Language” was published.<\/p>\n

Inn honnor of speling gud, Iv ritten a shoret dixionarie uv mi owne.<\/p>\n

A is for ALCOHOL:<\/strong> an essential ingredient to household harmony. It may lead to AMNESIA, which is the condition that allows a man who has watched his wife give birth have sex with her again.<\/p>\n

B is for BABY:<\/strong> my husband when he gets a slight cold. B is also for BASKET CASE, if he actually spikes a fever higher than 98.7.<\/p>\n

C is for COOK:<\/strong> a mythical household creature that, legend has it, mixes more than two ingredients together to make something called “not-take-out<\/a>.”<\/p>\n

D is for DATE NIGHT:<\/strong> infrequent outings where Mom and Dad try to find something to talk about besides their kids.<\/p>\n

E is for EXCUSE ME I FARTED, I’M TERRIBLY EMBARRASSED:<\/strong> a phrase my husband, and now child, says repeatedly, with a huge grin.<\/p>\n

F is for FEELINGS:<\/strong> which were discussed three times a day before you got married, and are now part of the date night discussion at least every three years.<\/p>\n

G is for GENIUS:<\/strong> your own child, of course.<\/p>\n

H is for HOOKER:<\/strong> anyone else’s child.<\/p>\n

I is for INTAXICATION:<\/strong> the short-lived euphoria when you realize you are getting a refund from the IRS this year. I is also for IDIOT, when you blow it all shoes<\/p>\n

J is for JACKPOT:<\/strong> when your kids are unexpectedly invited to sleepover somewhere else for the night.<\/p>\n

K is for KARMA:<\/strong> what you threaten your kids with when, “Santa and Mommy know if you’ve been good for goodness sake” loses its effectiveness.<\/p>\n

L is for LIKE:<\/strong> ya know, like, as if, like, m’kay?<\/p>\n

M is for MAYBE:<\/strong> which usually means no.<\/p>\n

N is for NO:<\/strong> which means no, no matter how many times you ask.<\/p>\n

O is for OK:<\/strong> which means you wore me down this time, but next time, “No means no.”<\/p>\n

P is for PARK:<\/strong> Before children this was a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and engage in an adult activity, such as necking.” After children, it became a noun, meaning, “to go somewhere and engage in what now passes for adult activity, such as nodding hello to other adults.”<\/p>\n

Q is for QUEEN:<\/strong> a figurehead title, referring to mom’s role before the children were born.<\/p>\n

R is for ROYAL RELATIVE:<\/strong> mom’s new role now that his highness has arrived.<\/p>\n

S is for SHOW OFF<\/strong>: which is any child more talented than your royal heir.<\/p>\n

T is for TOWELS:<\/strong> a mysterious cotton floor covering that can apparently only be hung up or folded by the Queen.<\/p>\n

U is for UMPTEEN<\/strong>: the number of times Mom must instruct her husband and offspring to do something before it actually gets done.<\/p>\n

V is for VALENTINE’S DAY<\/strong>: I have no idea what that means.<\/p>\n

W is for WEINER:<\/strong> a hotdog if you’re at all mature, something else entirely if you’re my husband or child.<\/p>\n

X is for XOXOXOXO:<\/strong> mom’s lunch box note signoff guaranteed to delight anyone under 7 and horrify a teenager.<\/p>\n

Y is for YIPPEE:<\/strong> what mom would jump up and shout if her kid stopped asking “WHY” for at least seven consecutive minutes.<\/p>\n

Z is for ZILLION:<\/strong> the number of times mom tells you why, goes to the grocery store, picks up your towels, and counts her blessings every week.<\/p>\n

Gut eny werds tow ad? Email email<\/a><\/h6>\n

Originally appeared in\u00a0in the\u00a0the Santa Barbara Daily Sound<\/a>\u00a0on April 14, 2006.<\/p>\n

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