{"id":3882,"date":"2009-03-06T00:00:00","date_gmt":"1970-01-01T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lesliedinaberg.com\/wordpress\/?p=3882"},"modified":"2013-12-03T17:28:24","modified_gmt":"2013-12-04T01:28:24","slug":"nailed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lesliedinaberg.com\/wordpress\/?p=3882","title":{"rendered":"Nailed"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Photo<\/a>

Photo by Maggie Smith, freedigitalphotos.net<\/p><\/div>\n

I roll up my jeans, soak my toes in that mysterious blue powdery stuff and sink into the fake leathery comfort of a foot spa chair. I set the roller massage to just the right speed and pressure, so it kneads up and down my spine without shaking my body so hard that my boobs kiss my nose, then I close my eyes and prepare for bargain basement bliss.<\/p>\n

Ah, Nirvana. There’s nothing better than a lunchtime pedicure to relax you in the middle of a long, hard workday. It’s the perfect cure for stress.<\/p>\n

Ah, Nirvana. There\u2019s nothing better than a lunchtime pedicure to relax you in the middle of a long, hard workday. It\u2019s the perfect cure for stress.<\/p>\n

I close my eyes and pretend I\u2019m being pampered at the Bacara, or better yet, the Ritz-Carlton in Maui. Ah, this is the life.<\/p>\n

Then I hear it: \u201ctr\u00f4ng nh\u01b0 th\u1ebf n\u00e0o l\u00e0 ch\u1ea5t b\u00e9o c\u1ee7a c\u00f4 ankles.\u201d<\/p>\n

Huh? They\u2019re talking about me already. This must be a record. I haven\u2019t even gotten to the part about the crashing waves or the umbrella drinks at my fantasy spa.<\/p>\n

\u201cI said you have such pretty eyes. A rhinestone bleeding heart on your thumbnail\u2019s gonna really play them up,\u201d says my nail technician.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, I just want a pedicure,\u201d I say, closing my eyes and trying to get back to Maui.<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly $4 extra if you want a knife going through the heart,\u201d she says, shoving a card full of rhinestone designs under my chin.<\/p>\n

\u201cUm, no thanks. I\u2019m not really a bling girl, or a knife through the heart girl,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n

\u201cKh\u00f4ng c\u00f3 b\u1ea1n nhi\u1ec1u h\u01a1n m\u1ed9t gi\u00e1 r\u1ebb ch\u1ea5t b\u00e9o b\u00f2 girl.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI say you have boyfriend. You have such pretty eyes you must have lots of boyfriend. Boyfriend like the bling on toes, let me tell you,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

I pull out my phone. I\u2019m not sure what she said yet, but I know she did not say that.<\/p>\n

\u201cKh\u00f4ng c\u00f3 b\u1ea1n nhi\u1ec1u h\u01a1n m\u1ed9t gi\u00e1 r\u1ebb ch\u1ea5t b\u00e9o b\u00f2 girl,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

Hey, cut it out. I know you\u2019re talking about me in Vietnamese and pretending you\u2019re not.\u00a0 And I’m sick of pretending not to notice.<\/p>\n

And by the way, that iPhone I\u2019m playing with has a translation app on it, so I know you just called me a big fat cow. I\u2019m not sure if that\u2019s a compliment or an insult in your culture, but cut it out.<\/p>\n

And now I know that before the cow comment you made fun of my cankles, which isn\u2019t very nice in any culture. Please just let me enjoy my pedicure in peace and quiet, instead of my usual paranoia that all of those giggles and guffaws from you and the other nail technicians are because you\u2019re making fun of my outfit.<\/p>\n

And while you\u2019re at it, stop trying to upsell me every other minute. If I wanted to spend more money on my nails I would have gone someplace that wasn\u2019t decorated with plastic flowers in December and Christmas tinsel in July.<\/p>\n

I know you\u2019re talking about me, just as surely I know there\u2019s no way your name is really Tammy or Heather. I know you\u2019re talking about me, just as surely as I know there\u2019s no way you can possibly be comfortable in those hooker shoes<\/a>. Relax, put on some flip-flops and stop talking about your customers while they\u2019re sitting right there. I\u2019ve got an app and I\u2019m not afraid to use it.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re in America now, and here in America we make catty comments about people AFTER they leave, not when they\u2019re still sitting there within earshot\u2014and certainly not before they\u2019ve given you a tip.<\/p>\n

Share your nailed adventures with Leslie at Leslie@LeslieDinaberg.com<\/a>. For more columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com.<\/p>\n

Originally published in the\u00a0Santa Barbara Daily Sound\u00a0<\/a>on March 6, 2009.<\/p>\n

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