Photo by Ohmega1982, freedigitalphotos.net
It used to be so very, very easy. Everyone got valentines in first grade-even the frogs we already knew would never under any circumstances turn into princes, no matter how sweetly we asked them to “Be Mine” with pink foil hearts or “Bee Mine,” with Bit-O-Honey bars. Boys gave cards to girls and boys, girls gave cards to boys and girls, and there were no quibbles about it. The teacher made us give valentines to everyone, so people knew they didn’t mean I like you like you or anything complicated like that.
Everyone understood the rules and, for the most part, we all had fun. We’d jog to each person’s desk and drop a valentine into their decorated Kleenex box that we’d adorned with hearts, smiley faces and various spellings of “Hapy Valantune’s Day!”
What’s not to like about the chalky candy Sweethearts, with messages like “4 Ever” and “I’m Yours,” and the amusing little cards featuring bug eyed owls crooning, “Whooo do I want for my Valentine,” or baseball playing poppets pleading, “You’ve made a big hit, will I make a good catch?”
How on earth did we grow up and let Valentine’s Day get so very, very stressful?
It used to be a day for light-hearted fun but now-unless you live on a planet far, far away without advertising-Valentine’s Day has become a sneaky, predatory holiday full of unrealistic expectations. It’s a do-or-die litmus test for your romantic relationship. Flowers in a box fail to pass the sniff test, according to a Teleflora commercial (during the Super B$wl, no less), and any jewelry short of a ginormous diamond engagement ring falls disastrously short of expectations if you’ve seen the trailer for any romantic comedy made in the last decade.
For most guys, the very mention of the words “Valentine’s Day” conjures up nightmare memories of frantic last-minute shopping at the drug store followed by yelling, threats of bodily harm and then tears from their disappointed wives or girlfriends. Women tend to fantasize-despite the evidence of every previous experience they’ve EVER had with their loved one-that this will finally be the year he brings champagne, candles, chocolate, roses and Michael Buble to serenade them.
Basically it’s all about love, lingerie and letdowns.
Decades ago when my husband and I were young and in love and didn’t know any better, we decided to avoid the commercialism and stress of the holiday and instituted a Valentine’s Day tradition of making something for each other. None of that wussy Hallmark stuff for us. I may adore roses and chocolate, but we decided that buying something off the shelf for Valentine’s Day was for people who weren’t creative. Our gifts would come straight from our hands, and our hearts.
Oh how naïve we were.
You think picking the perfect card off the shelf is stressful, try writing the perfect poem where something rhymes with “Valentine” and “Klobucher.” You think getting a reservation at a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s Day takes clever planning, try running out of pink glitter and heart shaped doilies at 2 a.m. on February 13th. Over the years I’ve made more crafty projects than Martha Stewart and the Naughty Secretary combined, but
after more than 20 Valentine’s Day love crafts, I’m out of new ideas.
Clearly my romantic chops need defrosting. I decided to consult “1001 Ways to be Romantic” by Gregory Godek, who I had seen talk about romance on Oprah’s show a while back, so he must be the man. Some of his ideas were pretty good.
* Compliment your partner. (I love you even more now than that Valentine’s Day I made you a mix tape, before iTunes made it so ridiculously easy.)
* Check in with each other during the day. (Does texting him at work to ask, “have you made my Valentine yet” count?)
* Make a New Year’s resolution to be a more creative romantic. (Of course, I always do that one.)
* Make plans for Valentine’s Day well in advance! (This year, I’ll move it back to the 13th at 1:00 a.m.)
I still felt the pressure until I read an excerpt from Godek’s next book, “Bring Food. Arrive Naked.” That seems pretty manageable. I started to mull over recipe ideas when this historical note leapt off the page: “The ancient Greeks believed that love resided in the liver, not the heart.” Hmm … do you think champagne goes with chopped liver?
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When Leslie’s not wishing for a Valentine’s Day that’s well, not chopped liver, she can be reached at Leslie@LeslieDinaberg.com. For more columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com. Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on February 12, 2010.