Some girls dream of fancy cars, furs, and jewels. Others fantasize about being the first president of the United States or running the United Nations. For me, it’s all about meeting Oprah.
We’ve had so many imaginary conversations, I know when we actually meet on her show it’ll be like sinking into the couch of my new best friend.
And boy will we dish.
It doesn’t matter what the subject of the show is, Oprah and I will both have plenty to say.
I might be promoting my new book, or that movie I found time to write between Little League innings. I could offer cooking tips (order takeout at least five nights a week, the other two you can eat leftovers) or investment advice (play both the Mega- and Super-Lotto to maximize your winnings). Whatever the subject, I know that Oprah will find me charming no matter what happens to slip out of my mouth. Best friends are like that.
Since it’s clear that Oprah and I will be best buds once we meet, I just have to figure out a way to get myself on the show. Which is why Steve Harrison’s email promoting a free telephone seminar on “The Three Big Secrets of Getting Free Publicity On Top National TV Shows” immediately caught my eye.
If Oprah’s former guest booker Michelle Anton was going to be on the call, then deadlines schmedlines, I was going to be on that call too.
I made sure my teeth were lipstick free as I nervously dialed the phone. Harrison had already started. “You are one idea away from accomplishing anything you want,” he boomed, with the pumped up passion of a preacher.
I hurriedly jotted down my ideas of things I could talk about. How to stay married without killing your husband; the top ten ways your screw-ups make other parents feel better about themselves; a 17-point presentation that proves Glenn Close and Meryl Streep are actually the same person; why chocolate should be at the top of the food pyramid; the Leslie science system; how to create a theory and write a column about every random idea you’ve ever had.
Clearly the big ideas are not a problem for me.
Harrison went on and on about why television appearances are so much better than advertising and how being on TV would make me ten times more famous and ten times more successful than I am today–which let’s face it, still wouldn’t really make me all that famous or successful. But that’s OK, because all I really care about is making friends with Oprah.
Then he introduced the panel, which included people from Fox News, the Today Show and the View. Of course, I only had ears for Oprah (and her surrogate, Michelle).
Finally Michelle, who is considered a media expert having worked with Oprah, Leeza Gibbons and Danny Bonaduce, gets on the line. She says, “It’s important for prospective show guests to develop a relationship with the producers. They may not have a guest spot for you right away, but if they know you then they’ll call you when then right opportunity presents itself.”
Of course. That makes so much sense. I make a note to invite Michelle over for fruity frilly umbrella drinks next week. We’ll bond. Hey, maybe she’ll even bring Oprah over with her. I’m sure she will. I’m sure they’ll both come, and bring a lovely house gift, like a car or a houseplant. I wonder if she likes Manitaropita Mushroom Packets or Lemongrass Chicken Stix?
“Your first phone call is a mini audition,” Michelle advises. “When you leave a producer a voicemail, make your passion for your subject come through in your voice. The idea is so we can see what an entertaining guest you would make.”
Ah, another great tip. Thanks, Michelle. I wonder how much it would cost to get Glenn/Meryl to read this column into the phone?
Oh, well, enough with the wild fantasies. I’d better get back to cleaning the house, so that my mother won’t be embarrassed when Oprah drops by.