Stitching Together Memories of Lost Loved Ones

The grieving process is not complete without a way to acknowledge the loss.

Saturday’s date — Sept. 11 — is one that will forever send a chill down Americans’ spines, but other anniversaries are equally significant for those who have lost a loved one.

“Anniversaries are about memories, not ‘dates’… we sometimes forget the exact date over time, but the circumstances and feelings linger forever,” said Gail Rink, executive director of Hospice of Santa Barbara.

“Engagements, marriages, births, new house, divorces, graduations … all are ‘anniversaries’ that contribute to the history of family life,” she said. “The most difficult anniversary is the anniversary of a death; all other anniversaries are ‘joyful,’ death is sorrowful. Death is final, an ending, it signals to the grieving survivors that life has permanently changed.”

Dr. Jim Jones recently experienced the first anniversary of the death of his wife, Dianne Riffle, who died in August 2003 after a brief but intense battle with pancreatic cancer. As a physician himself, Jones said that once he saw the results of her CT Scan, “I knew she was a dead duck.” He immediately took a leave of absence from his job at Pacific Oaks Medical Center to spend as much time as he could with his wife.

Jones, himself a survivor of Hodgkin’s disease, has long had a penchant for making things by hand. His Goleta home showcases beautiful handmade tools, lamps, woodwork and other fruits of his creative labors, which he called his “attempt at immortality.”

After his wife’s death, when he couldn’t bear to part with her clothing, Jones decided to make a commemorative quilt out of the fabrics that held special memories of their times together, and essentially retold the story of her life.

“These are the Hawaiian shirts we wore on our honeymoon,” said Jones, pointing out the cotton, flannel and silk squares he had lovingly pieced together.

“Retelling the events leading up to the death also helps the survivor heal. Remembering who was there, final words … even remembering feelings of guilt and regret, can help to bring perspective to a life altering moment,” Rink explained.

Making that quilt, which he sewed with surgical sutures, took up a lot of empty, lonely hours.

“I was transferring some of my attachment from her to our stuff,” he said.

The quilting ritual was addictive. Jones made himself another quilt for snuggling on the sofa, while the first sits on the bed he and his wife once shared. He also made quilts for Riffle’s two grown children.

“Sharing the grief helps to heal the sorrow,” Rink said.

Jones has also been sharing his grief with fellow members of Hospice of Santa Barbara’s young widow/widowers support group.

“The first six months or so I didn’t give a damn about anything,” he said. But it helped to be with others who had lost a spouse and were “at the next stage.”

The group also gave him useful advice on how to deal with the anniversary of Riffle’s death. Have a plan, they advised.

“Do you want to take the day off from work? Who do you want with you? Do you want to visit the burial site? Is there a special food you will prepare?” Rink said.

“Well-meaning family and friends will advise the grieving survivor about what they should do. Our family and friends do this because they care about the survivor’s well being.

“It’s important that you decide what is best for you. Grief is very personal, one strategy does not fit all,” said Rink, who added that this same pre-planning for death anniversaries applies to birthdays, holidays, wedding anniversaries and other occasions when loved ones will most be missed.

Whatever your feelings of grief, Rink advised: “Confront and prepare for them head-on. Trying to avoid the anniversary can compound the renewed sadness. Memories and feelings are always with us. We carry them wherever we go.”

For more information about Hospice of Santa Barbara call 563.8820.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on September 9, 2004.

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