The Great Schlep

No one in Hollywood could resist the pitch.

“It’s Fiddler on the Roof meets Hello Dolly meets Emma, The Matchmaker and Clueless for the Internet age,” says Papa Herman.

“Oh and Sarah Silverman looks adorable and cusses a lot,” adds Bubbie Essie.

“It’ll be bigger than “The Bachelor” and “Love Connection” were combined,” promises Cousin Stewey, whose great Uncle Al plays golf with Zadie Frank, who lives next door to Bubbie Essie.

You may think that this weekend’s celebration of the “Great Schlep“–in which hundreds of young, young-ish, and the-biological-clock-is-ticking-so-loudly-it’s-keeping-me-up-at-night Jews will travel to Florida to visit their grandparents, organize political discussions in Leisure World community rooms, and “have just a few more bites” of homemade rugelah–is all about supporting Barack Obama’s candidacy for president. After all, the “Great Schlep” is organized by the Jewish Council for Education and Research, a pro-Obama political action committee.

But really it’s all a just brilliant ruse designed by the Bubbies and the Zadies and the Nanas and the Papas and the Grammies and the Grandpas to get their grandchildren to stop messing around and meet and marry that nice Jewish boy/girl already.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” winks Bubbie Essie, whose up-do isn’t all that different from that of a certain vice presidential candidate. If we play our cards right, the “Great Schlep” might actually do more to repopulate the world’s Jewish population than the Barmitzah industry has.”

I agree. This has got to be the most brilliant Jewish matchmaking scheme ever. Not only will Jews be flocking to Florida this weekend, there are also “Great Schlep” events scheduled in Cincinnati, Las Vegas, Pittsburgh and Akron. It’s amazing how this thing is catching on.

“Things must have been pretty bad to motivate you to take this dramatic type of action,” I say.

“You have no idea,” says Bubbie Essie.

“We tried investing in J-Date, J-Singles, Jewish Cafe, Jewish Love Connection, even Saw You at Sinai.com, but my beautiful Rachael kept coming home with goys,” says Papa Herman.

“And my Steven, oy vey, that boy. So smart, yet so stupid! Blonde shiksas up the wazoo,” says Bubbie Essie.

“But then I heard Sarah Silverman talking on TV about Barack Obama, and this idea began to gel,” says Papa Herman. Now it’s his turn to wink. “We figure it’s a win-win-win. Worst case, we get a visit from our grandkids. That’s not so bad, eh?”

“It’s gonna work. Sarah Silverman’s so adorable. She’s just what we need. Though she cusses a lot, but I think that actually helps to get the kids’ attention, especially when she talks about all the things that old Jews and Blacks have in common,” says Bubbie Essie. “Sarah says, ‘they both wear track suits, they both love bling, and everyone they know is dying,’ and she’s so right!”

Bubbie is referring, of course, to the irreverent Internet video from Sarah Silverman promoting the “Great Schlep,” the theme of which is basically, “If Barack Obama doesn’t win this election, I am going to blame the Jews, so get your fat Jewish asses on a plane to Florida.” (www.thegreatschlep.com)

If at least 33 of your friends have forward this video to you, then you must be Jewish. And if at least 75 of your mother’s friends have forwarded this video to you, then you must be Jewish and single, in which case, have fun this weekend and don’t forget to wear protection–I mean sunscreen–of course.

Now it’s my turn to wink.

Share your “Great Schlep” stories with email. For more columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com.
Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on October 10, 2008.

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