The economy may be tanking but there are some bright spots on the horizon–when it comes to new plastic surgery-related products, our cups runneth over.
Love it or loathe it, plastic surgery is here to stay–at least until products like Zoft Breast Enhancement Gum and Max Enhance Natural Breast Enhancement Cream actually work–and a whole cottage industry of related products is developing around the boob business.
There is “My Beautiful Mommy,” an illustrated children’s book written by Florida plastic surgeon Dr. Michael Salzhauer, to help children deal with mom’s new enhancements.
“Mommy, why are those truck drivers ogling you?” is not one of the issues covered in the book.
As reported on “Newsweek’s” website–the book, which features a bright pink cover of a perky-breasted mom sprinkled in stardust, and “blessed” with Barbie’s waist-to-hip ratio, apparently didn’t warrant the dead tree treatment in the eyes of discerning “Newsweek” editors–is the story of a mommy explaining to her child why she’s having the muscle-bound superheroesque Dr. Michael perform plastic surgery. Of course they live happily ever after: mommy winds up “even more” beautiful than before, and her daughter is thrilled.
Why write the book? Plastic surgery is big business–$15 billion big to be exact. According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS? Did they think that through?), breast augmentation was the most popular cosmetic surgery procedure last year, with 348,000 performed (up six percent). I guess it’s no surprise that there’s been an increase in the average bra size from 34B to 36C. Then there are the 148,000 tummy tucks–up one percent from the previous year.
Clearly it’s a growth industry–except of course when it’s a stop the girth industry. Why not jump on the bandwagon?
If you’re plastic and proud, you can show off your enhancements with a University of XXL Plastic Surgery sweatshirt from Opinions R Fun Inc. or a t-shirt that proudly states, “Just got ’em” or “I believe in making mountains of molehills” from CafePress.
Then there’s my personal favorite, Lift Me Up stationery. A Texas woman named Camie Dunbar designs this line of get-well-soon, post-plastic surgery cards. After searching in vain for cards to send to her newly sculpted friends, she decided to fill the void with cards that cover all the basics: face-lifts (I thought you needed a lift. … But it looks like your plastic surgeon already took care of you), liposuction (I thought we could sit around and chew the fat. … But since you just had liposuction that’s probably not a good idea), nose jobs (Your nose looks great! … You picked a good one) and, of course, boob jobs (Congratulations on the twins. … They make a good addition to the family).
These cards are perfect for whenever you care enough to send the very breast. If nothing else, their illustrations of wildly well-endowed stick figures will augment the healing process and bring a smile to the recipients face–unless of course, she had a Botox treatment.
Pop culture is also getting into the act with a host of websites devoted to celebrity plastic surgery speculation. Television shows like “Nip/Tuck,” “Dr. 90210,” “Extreme Makeover,” “A Plastic Surgery Story” and “I Want a Famous Face” and magazines like “Skin Deep,” “New Beauty” and “Elevate” are all devoted to cosmetic surgery. There’s even a brand-new world of plastic slang, like “lipo-lizards,” for people who have had so much surgery that their skin looks reptilian, “kabuki mask,” for a face so expressionless that it looks like a lacquered mask, and “trout pout,” for fishlike, overly plumped-up lips.
And finally there’s the perfect gift item for those of us who are still hoping to age gracefully. With the voo doo doll woman by PlumParty.com, you can transform any bulge or sag just by pushing a pin in the appropriate spot (double chin, pot belly, sagging boobs, etc.). At $22 it’s a bargain worth trying.
Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on April 25, 2008.