Something spooky this way comes

Image courtesy of samattiw,www.freedigitalphotos.net

Image courtesy of samattiw,www.freedigitalphotos.net

Five billion dollars buys a lot of wax lips, talking Draculas and glow-in-the-dark plastic maggots. The National Retail Federation (NRF) says that Halloween spending will be up 10 percent this year, carving out an absolutely mind-numbing, record-breaking chunk of cash from our pockets.

Why are we so enamored with inflatable skeletons, candy corn, and fake cobwebs? I’ve got a few theories:

Halloween is the naughty little sister of Christmas.

There are parties and candy associated with both, but little sis (Halloween) is a lot looser than big sis (Christmas). She doesn’t feel that same sense of tradition and responsibility. She just wants to have fun. Instead of mistletoe, which must be grown or purchased, little sis (Halloween) has cobwebs, which you can find for free at my house. Big sis (Christmas) takes herself so seriously, with all that ritual stuff about keeping traditions alive, not to mention the cooking, the tipping, the shopping, the wrapping, the cards. … No wonder she gets migraines.

Halloween has gone to the dogs.

Talk about tricks for treats, one in ten Halloween celebrants plan on putting Fifi or Fido in some kind of frightful frock this year. That’s 7.4 million furry friends getting in touch with their inner Devils (12 %), pumpkins (9.2%), witches (4.5%), princesses (3.8%) and angels (3.3%). What about Cat Dog? That’s always my pet fish’s favorite costume.

“Many consumers who own pets think of them as family members,” said NRF President and CEO Tracy Mullin. “Pet owners will go all out to include dogs, cats and other critters in Halloween festivities, including trick-or-treating, handing out candy or even celebrating at a friend or family members’ house.”

Halloween is the new Christmas.

It comes earlier, lasts longer, and gets more expensive every year. While the boatloads of Mini Hershey Bars and paper pumpkin decorations that adorn store aisles just minutes after the Valentine’s Day conversation hearts and cupids are put on clearance pale in comparison to the plethora of dancing Santas, candy canes and fake snow, that’s only because my Christmas shopping theory of “one for you, one for me” is finally catching on. Otherwise, Halloween would be winning the consumer consumption race by now. Just think about how many of your Halloween purchases are edible (Reese’s peanut butter cups must be consumed with a week or they will haunt you), potentially delinquent (pumpkins will either end up as roadkill or as a landscape accoutrement to toilet paper), or non-repeatable (like that Monica Lewinsky costume from 1998).

The only “green” thing about Halloween is the glow-in-the-dark goblins.

The Grinch stole Christmas, but the adults stole Halloween.

Increasingly, adults have been elbowing children out of the way to claim the creepiest holiday as their own. Nearly a third of adults will be hitting the town in costume this year and I’ll be right with them. After all, what’s not to like about a holiday where you can dress up in an esoteric costume and pat yourself on the back for being smarter than other people when you continually have to explain what you are. Or a holiday where you can knock on someone’s door while wearing a mask and don’t have to worry about them calling the cops, or eat mini candy bars and fantasize that you’ve become a giant.

But the very best thing about Halloween is that it’s the only holiday no one can claim you’re “forgetting the true meaning of.” It’s all about the two “C’s”: costumes and candy. Think about it. You get to wear slutty or scary (or slutty and scary) costumes and no one gives you a hard time, and then demand chocolate from other people because you did so. Now that’s my kind of holiday.

Leslie’s favorite Halloween joke is: “What did one ghost say to the other ghost? Do you believe in people?” Send yours to email. For more of Leslie’s columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com

Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on October 26, 2007.

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