Dropping the Ball on Annual Resolutions

Bratislava New Year Fireworks, courtesy Wikipedia Commons.

Bratislava New Year Fireworks, courtesy Wikipedia Commons.

Like many otherwise rational people, I like to take some time at the end of each December to reflect on my accomplishments of the past year and set goals for the next one that will help transform me into a more organized, healthier, wholesome person with a better body and a much cleaner house.

While I haven’t accomplished all that I would have liked to in 2004, a look back at the history of my New Year’s resolutions tells me that at least I’m continuing to make progress every year.

Resolution #1

1990: I will get back to the weight on my Driver’s License.

1997: I will get back to my weight when I got married.

2002: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

2005: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight, buy myself pretty clothes and develop my personality. (Confession: I’d like to take credit for this line, but truthfully it’s what my father said about me the first time he saw me when I was an hour old.)

Resolution #2

1989: I will not spend my money frivolously and save enough money to put a down payment on a small house in Santa Barbara.

1992: I will stay on a strict budget and save enough to put a down payment on a small house in Goleta.

1998: I will not spend any money at all on anything, under any circumstances, and save enough to put a down payment on a small house in Isla Vista, with the help of my parents and anyone else who might want to invest.

2003: I will not spend my money frivolously and save enough to put a down payment on a small used car.

2004: I will stop buying so many new pairs of shoes.

2005: I will try to keep my expenses below 110 percent of my income.

Resolution #3

2003: I will stop smoking.

2004: I will stop smoking.

2005: I will stop smoking. (Confession #2: I never started smoking in the first place, but I always like to give myself one easy thing that I know I can accomplish to make myself feel better about this whole New Year’s resolution thing.)

Resolution #4

2003: I will spend more time with my family.

2004: I will spend more quality time with my family.

2005: I will redefine quality time with my family to mean that we all have to be awake, with no one yelling, but not necessarily doing the same activity in the same room at the same time.

Resolution #5

1997: I will treat my body as a temple and eat only healthy, organic foods.

2000: I will only order out for pizza once a week.

2002: I will remember that Chuck’s Mai Tais do not count as a serving of fruit, even though they come with an orange slice and a maraschino cherry. Apparently the celery in a Brophy Brother’s Bloody Mary doesn’t count as a vegetable either.

2003: I will sit down with my family and eat a healthy, balanced meal at least once a week.

2005: I will eat a piece of dark chocolate and I will drink a glass of red wine every night, but only for the good of my health.

Resolution #6

2001: I will hold my ground with my boss and not let him push me around.

2002: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to homicidal thoughts.

2003: I will get a new boss.

2005: I will tell my boss how much I appreciate him and take every opportunity I can to suck up to him, so I can get a raise and not work on Fridays.

Resolution #7

1982: I will write a book before I’m 30.

1995: I will write a book before I’m 40.

2003: I will read at least 10 books a year whose titles I’m not embarrassed to talk about.

2005: I will stop letting those People Magazines pile up by my bedside and actually finish them.

Resolution #8

1993: I will not fight with my boyfriend about household chores.

1994: I will not fight with my husband about household chores.

1999: My husband will stop pretending he knows how to fix the car and I will stop pretending I am the least bit competent in the kitchen.

2003: My husband will stop pretending he doesn’t see the pile of laundry that needs to be folded and I will stop pretending I don’t know how to plunge the toilet and pump my own gas.

2005: My husband will make sure I have gas in my car if I give him enough warning when the tank is low and I will stop making New Year’s resolutions on behalf of other people.

Resolution #9

2005: (finally a new one) I will put away a dollar in a little jar every day and maybe when I retire I’ll be able to afford an R.V. that I can park somewhere in Santa Barbara. (Confession #3: Who am I kidding? Pass the wine and chocolate!)

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on December 30, 2004.

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