A Sugarcoated Lesson on Navigating the News

Image: Jon S, Flickr.com

Image: Jon S, Flickr.com

Certain Santa Barbarians, who shall remain nameless for fear of lawsuits, seem to be having a humongous amount of difficulty understanding what constitutes the difference between a news story, an opinion piece and a column. So, as a public service for the seven of you who don’t have the benefit of high school journalism experience, I offer this column as an attempt to help clarify the differences.

Not to put the seven of you on the spot or anything, but this very morning I explained the difference between fiction and nonfiction to my second grade reading group, and they got it in about three seconds. I also apologize in advance for the complexity and sophistication of my examples, but not every story can be about animals.

News–Candy Kidnapper Strikes Again

Chief Johnny B. Good addressed a crowd of reporters at a press conference yesterday about the recent rash of candy thefts at local schools. “The good news is that children are eating less candy. Without all that sugar zipping through their brains they are able to concentrate better on their schoolwork, which will ultimately bring in more taxes to increase our salaries. The bad news is that there appears to be a serial candy thief in our community, and we won’t be able to catch him until we have higher salaries.”

According to data presented by Good, since September 1 a total of 103 pounds of candy have been stolen from local schools, including: 19 Abba Zabbas; 13 Big Hunks; 11 Mars Bars; 59 Snickers Bars; 52 Rolo Rolls; 27 bags of plain M & Ms; 11 $100,000 Bars; 39 Oh Henry’s; 17 Butterfingers, and one still-fresh Twinkie which had been stapled to the wall of a 5th grade classroom at Harding School since 1978.

Other schools reporting candy thefts include Montecito Union, Monte Vista, Laguna Blanca and Garfield Elementary School, which has been closed for more than 30 years.

Anti-cavity activist and Dentist Wally Wonka, said, “Whoever the candy thief is, he should not be hunted down by the police, but rather he should be applauded for his valiant efforts to improve the dental health of the children in our community.”

Chief Good said there are no leads or suspects in the case yet, and encourages anyone with information to contact the police at 555.1234.

Opinion–Kudos for Kidnapper

Faster than an eating contest, more powerful than a ten-ton Big Mac, there’s an alarming problem facing our nation’s children and it’s called obesity. We have met the enemy, and then we et the enemy.

Sure we can force kids to take P.E. class instead of running around on a football field with all those silly instruments. And yes, we can also regulate the percentage of fat in the cafeteria’s chicken nuggets that no one ever eats anyway. But there’s a better way to fight this epidemic, and the Candy Kidnapper has found it.

As any parent knows, the only way to control kids these days is through fear. Make them so scared of the notorious Candy Kidnapper that not a single Skittle will ever again pass their lips.

We’ve tried facts–more than 30 percent of American children are considered overweight–and they’ve had absolutely no impact. We’ve tried force, like no dessert until you eat all of your vegetables, and they fed them to the dog when we weren’t looking. Now it’s time to try fear.

Column–A Sweet Confession

It all started with that teensy tiny Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup peeking out of that sweet little kindergartener’s Dora the Explorer lunch box. It was going to melt before lunchtime anyway, and then she would have had chocolate all over her pink polka dotted dress.

We certainly didn’t want that.

So I took it.

It was the best Reese’s I’ve ever had, and believe me; I’ve had a lot of Reese’s. Taking candy from that kid was like taking candy from a baby, only a slightly bigger baby.

That peanut butter cup was my gateway drug; once I got a taste I couldn’t stop myself. But the police got it wrong, I never took a Mars Bar: I hate coconut. And there’s no way it was 103 pounds. It was 97 pounds, at the most.

Nothing tastes better than stolen candy. You know what I mean. It’s Halloween and as a parent you’re forced to “inspect” your child’s loot for the good stuff, leaving them only the sour fruity crud to fight over.

If these kids weren’t so darn gullible they would still have their treats. Kindergarteners will fall for “Look, over there,” and even “share” their candy with you if you ask in a high squeaky voice.

Yeah, it’s a bit sinister, but it sure goes down sweet.

So the next time you read one of those rabble rousing newspaper stories, make sure you get your facts–and your fiction–straight.

Class, are there any questions? You can email Leslie at Email email

Originally appeared in theĀ Santa Barbara Daily Sound

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