Category Archives: Television

Reality Bites

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Photo Ambro, FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Photo Ambro, FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Am I the last person in America who hates reality TV?

My head starts to throb every time I flip through the channels and I feel my brain’s gray matter transform into a gelatinous oozy substance, perfect for the aliens to come take it over. I’ve got 900 channels and most of them are filled with so-called “reality” shows.

Why are these shows called “reality television” when they are so far detached from reality anyway? Reality is not competing for a prize on an island and it is not trying to become the biggest pop sensation in the country. Just writing these words makes my head spin. I’m literally dizzy with annoyance, that’s how much I hate those shows.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those alternative school parents who drives around with a “Kill Your TV” bumper sticker on my minivan, like ahem, one of my dearest friends.

I’m not against TV. I watch plenty of television, and most of it’s not on PBS. And it’s not that I have a problem with lowbrow entertainment-anyone who has met my husband can testify to that. But there’s something about the cheesy search for stardom on American Idol,  and the ridiculous search for romance on The Bachelor that I truly loathe. These show are more than just “not my cup of tea,” I despise them with all of my heart. They make my skin crawl.

Partly it’s the desperation to be in the spotlight that unifies the “stars” of all of these shows that makes my stomach churn. When I was six I wanted to be a ballerina, when I was eight I wanted to play on center court at Wimbledon, and when I was nine I wanted to sing on Broadway. But when I was 12 I accepted the reality that I didn’t have the talent to do those things, so I went on with my life.

These reality TV people need to realize it’s time for them to go on with their lives too.

But no, instead we now have this new group of overnight celebrities who are famous because they slapped someone, stole their boyfriend or spit in their face. That used to be how you became famous in junior high, not the pathway to fame in America. Now all of those overgrown teenagers are chatting up Leno, Ellen, and Regis and Kelly. Not to mention all the airwaves that are filled by wannabe/has-been actors trying to stretch their 15 minutes of fame to the breaking point by humiliating themselves on reality TV.

Here’s the thing: real stars have real talent. I don’t know what reality “stars” have. Chutzpah? Balls? A deluded sense of their own importance? Sure, some reality “stars”-albeit very few-may actually have some talent, but the only thing I’m sure they all have is the ability to really, really annoy me.

It’s not just that these shows are so popular and I can’t understand why; it’s also that as a writer I know that the cheap production values and nonexistent writing staffs of these shows are forcing the professionals out. It’s always been an uphill battle to get a well-written comedy or drama onto network television, but the success of these reality shows has made it almost impossible to get good shows on TV.

I can’t wait for the day when America’s fascination with reality TV finally runs its course. While I too enjoy watching my favorite characters claw their way to success through conniving, backstabbing, lying, cheating and stealing-I prefer to watch them do it gracefully via the piquant prose of  Mad Men, the dexterous dialogue of Damages or even the morose monotones of CNN.

When Leslie’s not ripping into reality TV, she can be reached at email . Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on April 3, 2009.

Noozhawk Talks: Leslie Dinaberg sits down with Hap Freund

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(Michelle J. Wong / Noozhawk photo)

(Michelle J. Wong / Noozhawk photo)

Certainly the hardest working man in (local public access) television, the
Santa Barbara Channel’s executive director Hap Freund took some time
out of his busy day to talk media matters with Noozhawk’s Leslie
Dinaberg.

Leslie Dinaberg: How did you get started in public television?

Hap Freund: I moved to Hawaii in 1980, with my wife who had a clerkship in the Hawaii
Supreme Court … I got a job with the mayor’s office. I was in the office of human
resources and I was in charge of special projects in social services but I wasn’t supposed
to spend any money and all I had to do was monitor a bunch of federal grants and it was
totally boring. … Somehow it came to me that there was this access channel that if you
produced television for it you could get your programs on TV.

…. I got together with some friends of mine and we did a documentary on homeless in
Hawaii. And after I made that documentary I then went to the Junior League and I got a
$50,000 grant to produce TV programs, to do the video training and to produce local
documentaries on social issues. … Over the course of about two years we did 18 half
hour documentaries. So I did that through my job working for the mayor’s
office.

…It was kind of a back door. I had never done television. I had been a lawyer, and a
community organizer and done a lot of work in social issues, but because the mayor
didn’t want to spent any money. …I could do anything I wanted pretty much in social
services as long as I didn’t spend money. So I did this and didn’t cost her a cent.

So that’s how I got into it. Then I moved to Ashland, Oregon when our son was about a
year and a half and I did independent work. I did a documentary for NOVA that took a
year. I wrote an article for Sports Illustrated on a wildlife forensic lab in Ashland … it
was in the swimsuit issue, so the joke was it was in the most widely read Sports
Illustrated of the year, except nobody read my article. (Laughs) But part of that, I took
that article and I wrote a grant to do a film on wildlife forensics.

LD: And you were in Seattle before you came to the Santa Channels when it switched
from belonging to Cox to being a nonprofit.

HF: Yes. We became a nonprofit in January of 2003 and I started up a couple of months
before that to set up the bylaws and the policies and personnel plan.

… One of the things I really like is what’s happened in video is it’s democratized, even
more so now because you can shoot a video with your phone. It’s been an incredible
leveler and it’s just democratized so much, and You Tube helps too. You can get the
word out. What we do is so you don’t have to have a network to get the word out. And
that’s one of the things I like about this (public television) is it’s a vehicle for people to
have their opinions. … I think that’s the cornerstone of democracy is having diverse
opinions and people hearing things that are uncomfortable.

… I always think we feel a real niche with cable. Channel 17, that’s the public access
part, with Channel 21 … I have a very broad definition of education, so I look at anything
that’s culture or arts also as educational.

LD: You are also doing things with nonprofits.

HF: Now we have a grant from Orfalea Foundation to do short spotlights on nonprofits
that are out in the field and we’ve got a grant from the Santa Barbara Foundation where
we’re trying to focus a lot on doing production work for nonprofits. I think if there’s a
direction we want to go in, we really see ourselves as being the media arm for nonprofits.

LD: That’s great. Especially because I know everybody is struggling with money to
spend on things like that.

HF: Yes and we’re inexpensive and we give them something they can multipurpose
because it isn’t just going on TV, we have a video-sharing site called SBChannels.net,
and we have all these videos. … They can link to it, they can send emails out.

LD: I hear you’re moving into the old Univision buildings in Goleta?

HF: Yes, it’s very exciting. I mean I love to be downtown but the Univision building in
the long run and even in the short run saves us money and it’s a bigger facility for less
money. And it’s a better studio. … We can have an audience of 49 people and so one of
the ideas I have is … we want to market this to nonprofits and say if you’ve got an event
if you want to have a town hall or a forum, why don’t you do it at our place because you
can put it on TV live, you can have people calling in and interacting.

… Also the other part is that I think our major mission is to facilitate and make it easier
for people to get their content out. So we look at that in terms of both the media that we
offer, …it’s both the production and the distribution. Because a lot of people just bring us
content more and more … they don’t have to produce it here to get it on the air. I am
happy to have all of that stuff.

LD: Do you have any favorite moments since you’ve been here?

HF: I could write a novel about this place. (Laughs) It’s never dull … My favorite
moment was we were producing something in the smaller studio for the film festival with
the film festival people and the police were getting ready to do a program in the other
studio and they brought some drug dogs, drug sniffing dogs in who went nuts. I saw all of
these people looking around kind of nervously and what it was was they had also brought
in some marijuana to hide behind the couch to show the dogs off, but I think a lot of
people were starting to get nervous.

… But really one of my favorite things is just knowing that people watch. When
somebody comes up to me and says, “thank you so much for showing the youth
symphony. It was so wonderful for all those kids to see their hard work on television.”
That appreciation that goes a long way.

LD: That’s great. With print media struggling, do you see an expanded or different role
for television?

HF: That’s a good question. I think the print media people who are sending the reporters
out with cameras, like the Ventura County Star or something, I think they get it. I don’t
think we compete with print media. I think the more information people have the better.
… I think there’s going to be some convergence. But I think what we need is more good
reporting and so I think the people who do print media, it’s really different than bloggers.
Bloggers can just repeat rumors. With journalists you get both sides of the story and I
think we’re losing some of that. That’s what I worry about the Internet, you can have an
opinion and people treat it as fact. … I would hate to see print journalism gone, but I
hope that what we need is good reporting. I think unbiased reporting, both sides of the
story, get the facts straight and let people make up their mind. I think that’s what’s most
important.

LD: What else do you do when you’re not working?

HF: I like to spend time with family, watch basketball, exercise, and travel though it’s
getting harder to afford. I’m a huge basketball junkie, especially Duke.

LD: If you could pick three adjectives to describe yourself, what would they be?

HP: Enthusiastic, issue-oriented, and upbeat

Vital Stats: Hap Freund

Born: July 31, 1943 in St. Louis, Missouri

Family: Wife Claudia Chotzen, sons Zach (age 22 and a senior at Stanford) and Willy
(age 18 and a senior at Laguna Blanca).

Civic Involvement: “This takes a lot of my time. This is not a 40-hour a week
commitment, so I would say that my civic involvement really is through work and trying
to get organizations in the door and caring about what they do.”

Professional Accomplishments: Executive Director of the Santa Barbara Channels,
former lawyer and community organizer, award-winning documentary
filmmaker.

Best Book You’ve Read Recently: “Shining City,” and “The Story of Edgar Sawtelle.”

Little-Known Fact: Freund was once one of the leading experts in the country on lead
paint poisoning in children. He also holds the patent on a design for a carrot-shaped
flashlight.

Originally published in Noozhawk on March 29, 2009,  click here to see the link.

Noozhawk Talks: Leslie Dinaberg Sits Down With Lynn Montgomery

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Lynn Montgomery (courtesy photo)

Lynn Montgomery (courtesy photo)

Children’s book author sees the beauty in every opportunity.

Award-winning documentary producer and television writer Lynn Montgomery
recently turned her talents to Butt Ugly, a children’s picture book that tells the
story of a loveable little green mutt who needs a home. Not only does this heart-
warming story teach children important lessons about self-esteem, the book was
printed in a 100% green manner.

Leslie Dinaberg: How did you go from writing television to writing your book, “Butt
Ugly?”

Lynn Montgomery: When I was writing television I was working 100 hours a week and didn’t
have children … I stayed in television for about 10 years, the amount of money
that they give you to write for television is obscene. And I was never doing it
really for the money, I was doing it because I loved to write and I loved to write
more than I loved to get all this money, so eventually the love of writing went out
for me in television and I decided that I would just write features and continue
with writing some books that I had started.

LD: So you’re working on both picture books and young adult books. Are they all
comedic?

LM: Well I have a comedic voice. … My goal is to make you laugh and make you
cry and if I accomplish both of those then I am really happy.

LD: How did you decide to incorporate the green aspects into the book?

LM: I have always been passionate about the environment. … In writing a
children’s book, this was an opportunity to make it as green as possible. The
story is for children that is an uplifting important story about self-esteem with the
name-calling, but also is a way to educate the children about the environment
and about recycling. This book is made 100% recycled- the paper is 100%
recycled, the paper is not bleached, so it doesn’t produce any dioxins in the
bleaching processing, … most ink is petroleum-based ink, this ink is vegetable
based ink and then I even was able to go a step further. It was printed in the U.S.
because most four-color children’s books … the vast majority of four-color
children’s books are printed in Asia, in Singapore and China, and there are no
environmental standards. Ancient forests being cut down to print children’s books
where we tell stories about preserving the environment. It makes no sense to me.
So this was printed in the U.S. and it was printed by a printer in St. Louis that
runs on wind power.

LD: Wow.

1117-Butt_Ugly-540LM: I just did as much research as I possibly could to find out how could I make
this as green as green can be. … Then after the book was printed, I found out
about this new wonderful organization called Eco Libris … it’s a tree offset
company … when you make a contribution to them a tree will be planted in a
developing company. … So not only is the book green and no trees were cut
down to create this book, but also trees are being planted if you buy this
book.

LD: That’s great. That’s really a nice give back.

LM: So you can feel good about buying the book.

LD: How does that pencil out in terms of the cost of the book?

LM: It’s twice as expensive to publish a book this way, but we have to start. I’m
not going to make a lot of money on this book, but what I’m trying to do is start a
conversation within the publishing world.

LD: And you are also donating some money from the book to CALM.

LM: Yes, some of the proceeds are going to CALM. I used to be on the board of
CALM … also some of the proceeds will go to animal rescue
organizations.

LD: Are you working on another children’s book?

LM: Yes, there’s another on in the series which is called Butt Ugly Love, he falls
in love with the most beautiful dog he every saw. She’s absolutely perfect and
he’s smitten at first sight. It’s about true love and you find out on the last page as
they are strutting off into the sunset that she only has three legs. Of course he
never saw that and it didn’t matter he’s in love and she’s perfect she’s
beautiful.

LD: That’s very sweet.

LM: … Then there’s a third in the series,Butt Uglier, and that’s of course when
they have puppies. And then that’s it.

LD: So where are you with the books?

LM: Butt Ugly Love will be out around Christmas 09, the story is written and the
illustrator is working on the illustrations and right now she’s at the point of trying
to conceptualize what this beautiful dog that he falls in love with will look like.

LD: Is the illustrator someone you had a connection to?

LM: The illustrator is Terrie Redding, she was from Santa Barbara and she
moved to Dallas, Texas a couple of years ago. … Then my husband does all the
coloration and then the layout. I had no idea what a huge aspect of book
publishing art direction would be.

LD: What’s your husband’s name?

LM: Richard Kriegler. He is an Art Director, Matte Painter and Concept Artist and
he’s done scores of movies, and children’s films, he’s done Stuart Little and
Pinocchio and Thomas and the Magic Railroad and he also did Contact and
What Dreams May Come.

LD: That was a beautiful looking movie.

LM: What Dreams May Come, what inspired him, he did the concept work for
that movie, and do you remember the art that he disappeared into? Those were
inspired by Richard’s paintings that are hanging in our house.

LD: Oh, those are gorgeous.

LM: So I always say thank goodness I’m married to Richard because otherwise I
never would have been able to afford him … He’s also the art director for one of
the top selling videos games in the world. So I tell him that this is his penance he
has to pay for taking children away from reading, he has to art direct all of my
children’s books.

LD: How long have you been in town?

LM: We’ve been here going on 11 years. I first moved here, our big entree into
Santa Barbara, this big old run down house that had been on the market for four
years, I think. And then when we bought it somebody told me about CALM and
how they do the designer showcase house. And we had done houses before and
renovated them but never one quite this large and never one where we had two
small children. Hannah was six months old at the time. So we put the house up
to be a design showcase house … so it’s like we came into town and opened our
home to thousands of people. So I am always running into people that say, “Oh
yeah, do you still have that train bed in your son’s room?” (Laughs) Everybody in
town has been in our house.

LD: What else do you do when you’re not working?

LM: Well I love to garden, I love to go on walks through beautiful Santa Barbara,
and I mean we’re so lucky to live here. I explore areas up the coast, I love to
hike. To take care of my chickens. I love to watch the chickens in the garden. I
always feel like I’m looking at an old painting, just watching the chickens walk
through and free range in the garden, it’s so beautiful and peaceful. I think it must
lower your blood pressure.

… I’m always working on some cause. Right now it’s to the send the fifth graders
at Roosevelt to Astronomy Camp. … We need to raise $15,000 to send the kids,
and I happened to raise my hand at the meeting and said I’ll take that
on.

LD: It’s supposed to be a great camp.

LM: … Our fundraiser is going to be a Chicken Coop Tour, Loupe de Coop on
March 22.

LD: That sounds really fun.

Vital Stats: Lynn Montgomery

Born: Upland, CA, on April 24th

Family: Husband Richard Kriegler; daughter Hannah, 10; and son Austin,
15

Civic Involvement: CALM, Roosevelt School, Pearl Chase Society

Professional Accomplishments: Won a Writer’s Guild Award Adapting Mrs. Piggle
Wiggle for Showtime and Universal; won an LA Emmy award for writing and
producing a documentary that dealt with the failures of the child abuse protective
system in Los Angeles; produced a 100% green children’s four-color children’s
picture book, Butt Ugly.

Best Book You’ve Read Recently: “The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, It was
wonderful for getting inside the head of a dog; there are some chapters in there
that I will re-read many times in my life, but they’ll always make me cry.”

Little-Known Fact: “I have never had a beer in my life, but I love wine.”

Originally published in Noozhawk on November 16, 2008. Click here to read it.

Everybody Loves Leslie

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© Jiristastny | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

© Jiristastny | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

My Life as a Sitcom

Wine, chocolate, and naps are indispensable tools in my “how to deal with life” arsenal, but sometimes fantasy is the only narcotic that does the trick. As a kid I thought that life at the Brady house or singing “Hello World” with the Partridge Family looked a lot more fun than anything my family had to offer. At the very least, it seemed like my little sister should have been recast in the third season.

And now, I’ve had just about enough of this “Life with Leslie” reality show. I want to my life to be a sitcom, where no matter how monumental my problems, they can always be happily resolved in 23 minutes.

It would go something like this:

Monday: My long-lost identical twin, Lisa Dimebag, shows up at my door. It’s teacher conference week, which means I’ve only got an hour left before pick-up time to write an article, return seven phone calls, read 57 emails and watch yesterday’s Oprah. The phone rings and its my crotchety but loveable husband reminding me about baseball practice, which starts right in the middle of basketball practice.

Lisa accidentally deletes all of my emails, falls into the pool, and volunteers to drive carpool. Amusingly clumsy, but what a lifesaver. She’s so helpful and friendly; I’m going to love having a twin around.

That night, when I return a call from Kyle’s Dad at school he says something about “taking me up on my very interesting offer” in a way that makes me think my twin may be a little bit TOO friendly. I sit her down and explain, in a very older-sisterly way, that she can’t act too slutty when she’s pretending to be me. We hug. She leaves and we never hear from her or Kyle’s Dad again. My crotchety but loveable husband seems oddly depressed.

Tuesday: Koss and I enter the parent-child talent show at school. The kids all laugh at our attempt to dance like the stars. Koss can’t even do any of the lifts, even though they worked fine when we practiced by the pool.

I cry because I’m so embarrassed by my dancing. Koss tells me to “man up, mom.”

We win first place in the talent show for our beautiful singing act. We hug. Koss cries because he’s so happy. I tell him to “man up.”

Wednesday: We go on a disastrous field trip to the zoo, where the kids are treated to the unfortunate spectacle of two otters mating, and my crotchety husband makes jokes that are completely inappropriate for the eight o’clock hour. Driving back to school, I accidentally sideswipe a police car because I’m yelling at the kids to quit saying, “Why, I otter…”

When I show Officer Bud my insurance card, Koss realizes that I don’t actually have the $10 million insurance policy that the school requires to drive a bunch of seven year olds around (probably because I’ve spent all my money on dance lessons instead of real estate). Busted. My own son tells Officer Bud to arrest me.

Officer Bud, a parent himself, arrests my son instead. Koss learns an important lesson about speaking out of turn. We hug. I make him finish all of his prison dinner before I bail him out.

Thursday: I accidentally TIVO last week’s news and find out I picked all six Super Lotto Plus numbers a week late. I fantasize about what I’d do with my millions.

Dripping with diamonds, I swoop out of my limo and hire a private detective to track down my twin sister and Kyle’s Dad. I have him put Lisa Dimebag in deep freeze in case I ever need any of her body parts. My crotchety but loveable husband seems oddly happy.

I hang out at the country club and drink martinis while I pay other people to golf for me. My now-spoiled rotten son has a fit when I won’t let him buy the Miramar. He tells me I was a better mommy before we got rich. I realize he was right. We hug and we’re right back in our living room watching TV again. We didn’t win the lottery but it’s still a wonderful life and “A Christmas Carol” is on TV.

Friday: We sit at a little league game for an entire episode, with no commercial breaks and no alcohol allowed. My crotchety but loveable husband is extra crotchety.

Saturday: I get bonked on the head when a bottle of wine falls off the top of my refrigerator. I contract temporary amnesia and we run Tuesday’s episode again in fast motion. My dancing doesn’t improve, but I’m blown away by own singing voice. Hey, it’s my fantasy.

Sunday: Clip show — television-ese for “day of rest.”

Originally appeared in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound

At This Office, It is OK to Show Up Late

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The Office, courtesy Wikipedia.

The Office, courtesy Wikipedia.

You know what I miss most about my day job — besides the paycheck? I miss the water cooler.

It’s not that we don’t have plenty of cold drinks and snacks available here at home. I’m perfectly well sweetened, salted, and hydrated–repeat–repeat again–with a special emphasis on sweets during a certain time of the month. Believe me, I’ve got the literal water cooler covered, except for the whole “free” part.

What I miss is the water cooler chitchat about the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy and The Sopranos. I looked forward to our Monday morning quarterbacking of Tony and Carmela’s latest relationship upheaval or Meredith’s most recent ill-advised conquests.

Our little chats were like standing play dates that lasted 13 weeks, not counting re-runs.

Now that school’s out, I can’t even kibbitz with the PTA moms about the latest episode of Sponge Bob. I’m already feeling withdrawals, and it’s only the first week of summer.

Ironically, now that I no longer have an office to go to, I’ve come to appreciate the pleasures of The Office on TV. I came a little bit late to this delightfully deadpan show, where inappropriate remarks, petty behavior, and zero productivity are all in a day’s work.

And unlike the real offices I’ve worked in, at the Dunder-Mifflin paper company, no one ever has the energy to go out to lunch, let alone talk about important political and social events like TV shows.

The workplace scenarios are oh-so adult and familiar, even though the humor is oh-so wonderfully, and quoteably juvenile. If only I still had a cubicle to toss lines over like, “This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she’s cute now you should have seen her a couple of years ago!” Or another favorite: “You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? This is like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.”

My teenage nephews appreciate the show as much as I do, which comes in handy, since I no longer have office-mates to discuss it with.

We can hardly wait for the July 13 “webisodes” to begin. I’m betting they’ll be about Toby, the HR guy, who is, in my humble opinion, a character with a lot of unexplored potential. As Michael (the boss) says, “Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.”

His HR-like HR-policies have been the driver behind most of my favorite moments at “The Office.”

For example, when Toby talks with Michael about inappropriate fraternizing with employees, Michael summons the troops to make one of his infamous announcements.

“Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work-associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.”

Jim, who is actually the only character on the show who resembles anyone I’ve ever worked with, then says, “Does that include ‘That’s what she said?'” (See what I mean about the nephews appreciating it?)

Michael replies, “Mmm hmm, yes.”

Jim: “Wow. That is really hard. (My nephews are rolling on the floor at this point, as is my husband.) You really think you can go all day long? (On the show, Michael nearly bursts trying not to say it.) Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.”

So much for dignity, I am practically peeing my pants by the time Michael finally says, “That’s what she said!”

Did you see that one? Wasn’t it hysterical? OK, you’re drafted. You are now officially my new water cooler buddies. I’m so happy that we can be that kind of friends.

That’s what she said!

Leslie is clearly desperate for some office humor. If you’ve got any to spare, email Leslie@LeslieDinaberg.com. That’s what she said!

Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on June 30, 2006.

How About a Hunka Hunka Hotness in the White House?

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west-wingCount me among the many millions of Americans who mourn the loss of The West Wing. How many millions? I don’t know. But apparently not enough to keep this smartest-guy-in-the-room-full-of-dumb-television-shows from being cancelled. Perhaps the ultimate political fantasy–a White House controlled by a president and political staff who always put the best interests of the American people above politics–was just too farfetched when compared with the hard-hitting reality of Fear Factor and America’s Top Model.

I’m going to miss The West Wing’s idealized vision of what the country could be like if our leaders said what they really thought, without filtering their sound bites through a blender of image consultants, polling data and checkbook loyalties. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shouted at Martin Sheen, “Why can’t you be the real president? So what if you’re a midget!”

And I’ll definitely miss creator Aaron Sorkin‘s razor sharp writing, which took us behind the scenes for a look at how Washington really operates–or would operate if spectacularly witty and deeply principled people ran it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shouted at my TV, “Why can’t I write like you do, Aaron? So what if you’re a coke fiend!”

While Aaron’s been in rehab the past few seasons, I have also been working my way through withdrawal from his witty repartee. I almost gave up on the show in 2004 until the new writing staff lured me in with a brilliant bit of casting.

Jimmy Smits. All those m’s in his name spell out mmm, as in yummy. Come to mummy yummy.

I can’t believe they cancelled the show just as Jimmy was sworn in as president. We were robbed! Jimmy Smits would have made an amazing president.

His Hispan-ethnicity makes him a pollster’s dream come true. His character had intelligence, youthful vigor, a sweet, supportive wife and photogenic young children to make him easy to relate to. But that’s not why I was really looking forward to watching him every Sunday night.

Quite simply, Jimmy Smits is hot. And a hunka, hunka hot president could go a long way toward healing what ails us in this country. Just think about it.

Americans are arrogant and insecure; we’re fat and lazy and simple-minded; we yell a lot (not just at our televisions but at each other); we’ve got short attention spans; and we’re violent, promiscuous and hypocritical–and with a few exceptions, we just keep on electing dumb guys who start too many wars and can’t balance the budget.

But we’re not blind.

Therefore, I nominate Jimmy Smits for president. His campaign platform: he’s a hunka, hunka hot kind of guy.

A hunka, hunka hot Jimmy Smits as president would cure political apathy, as women would flock to support his initiatives, and men would eventually get up off the couch to see where all the women went.

A hunka, hunka hot Jimmy Smits as president could single-handedly restore the economy with his “buying American is sexy” campaign. I’m picturing a series of commercials where I viciously tear that cheaply manufactured, “made in China” shirt off his rippled abs, thus exposing the benefits of buying U.S.-manufactured items. Or maybe I tear those cheap buttons off with my teeth, one by one… This may require some further thought to get the creative details just right.

A hunka, hunka hot Jimmy Smits as president would rock on the international relations front. With his legal expertise from “LA Law,” his street cred from “NYPD Blue” and his intergalactic diplomatic experience from Stars Wars, this guy would surely dazzle the UN into doing his bidding.

Do you think I’m too old to be an intern?

Want to join in on the Jimmy Smits for president bandwagon? Email email

Originally published in the Santa Barbara Daily Sound on May 19, 2006.

Wisteria Lane Hysteria

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Desperate Housewives? Man I can relate

My name is Leslie, and I am addicted to Desperate Housewives.

The editor of Ms. Magazine, a woman of impeccable priorities, recently left the publication over an argument about Desperate Housewives. If that’s not a sign that the show has morphed into more than a guilty pleasure, I don’t know what is.

So, in honor of “Turn Off Your Television Week” (which I refuse to honor in any other way), I’d like to herald the return of the soap opera.

I’ve always been a fan of the genre, enjoying the eye candy — both the fabulous flesh and the even more fabulous fashions — as much as the outrageous plot lines. Plus, I’ve always longed to slap someone with the Diva-like authority of a soap opera vixen and wondered whether it would really make such a satisfying sound. Unfortunately, the selfish man I married refuses to have an affair, denying me adequate justification. Maybe I could nail him on leaving the toilet seat up…

My infatuation started long before I could follow most of the complicated plot lines. I remember sipping Tab and eating bridge mix while dissecting General Hospital with my Grandma Etta. We tsk-tsked over young Demi Moore getting herself involved with the much older Robert Scorpio (ironic, isn’t it Ashton?) and fretted for the future of Luke and Laura’s union.

In college, All My Children (All My Kids as we affectionately called it) was the big thing at my sorority house. We planned our classes so we could be home at noon, and share in the exhausting adventures of Erica Cane. And it wasn’t just a girl thing: complain though they did, most of our boyfriends were seriously addicted by the end of first semester. Come to think of it, another missed slapping opportunity.

Of course we were college students, who took ourselves oh-so-seriously, so we had to mock our addiction in order to stomach it a little better. I can’t tell you how many times I heard the words “post-modern,” “pre-feminist,” and “evil twin” while all eyes were glued to All My Kids.

Which brings me back to Desperate Housewives, and why I get such a kick out of the fact that people are expending so many precious brain cells dissecting this silly little show.

Don’t get me wrong, my TIVO is working just as hard as the next gal’s every Sunday night, and I couldn’t wait to read that trashy Vanity Fair article where the housewives fight over who gets to be in the middle of the picture. But when culture critics and academics start dissecting the show like it’s a spot of saliva on CSI Pittsburgh, I have to laugh. Haven’t you guys ever seen a soap opera before?

They’ve always been the shows where over-40 actresses drive the drama, get the guys, and pop off the best lines. And incidentally, they look fabulous while doing it.

But like General Hospital, which worked a sensitively written breast cancer storyline into the drama and was one of the first shows to feature an HIV positive character, the best soap operas manage to walk a fine line between melodrama and good old-fashioned storytelling. Desperate Housewives too sticks some real issues (dealing with aging parents, spanking your children) in amongst the lingerie and the murders.

So why is it that both intellectuals and people with G-rated lives — who rarely agree on anything — say I’m not supposed to like Desperate Housewives? It’s either too racy or it’s too retro, pre-feminist or post-feminist.

Do I need more coffee or are those oh-so-serious college conversations coming back to haunt me?

But I’m older and wiser now, and not afraid to admit that I’ve been hooked on housewives since the very first episode.

It wasn’t the over-the top antics of Nicolette Sheridan’s Edie character (which would have tickled me as a kid) or the Twin Peaks-like mysterious narrator (which would have delighted me in college), it was Felicity Huffman’s Lynette character.

“The other ones are fun, but Lynette’s character is the only one I really relate to,” said a friend at a recent Desperate Housewives fundraising cocktail party.

Lynette left a high-powered job to stay home with four rambunctious boys. During a particularly challenging (i.e. typical) day she runs into a former co-worker (perfectly coifed in a spit-free power suit) who asks how she likes her new life. After a pregnant pause, the look on Lynette’s face says volumes more than the cliche on her lips: “This is the best job I ever had.”

In another great Lynette moment, she has a breakdown at a park and when her friends find her, they confess how difficult motherhood has been for them, too, and Lynette questions why mothers can’t be more honest about feeling overwhelmed.

Mothers all over the land cheered, “Somebody finally said it on television.”

And if the housewives can admit that being a mother is hard, then I can make a confession too — Desperate Housewives isn’t a guilty pleasure, it’s simply a pleasure.

My husband doesn’t agree with me. I think I’ll slap him.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on April 28, 2005.

Are you really busy?

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Photo: Pexels.com.

Photo: Pexels.com.

New show asks families to compete for busiest title

Sure there’s a certain prestige to sporting the most active minivan on your block. But if you’re really that busy, who not go pro?

A busy family lifestyle could earn your family a spot on a new NBC reality show “America’s Busiest Families” (working title).

We are looking for busy, busy families, said casting director Vaia Abatzis. “Stay at home moms, working moms, working dads, stay at home dads, across the board, we want it all. It really comes down to the entire family that is just consistently active, meaning kids with tons of lessons, sports, activities, just going going going.”

Families will be filmed in their own homes, going about their own lives and competing against others to see who runs the busiest and best household in America.

“It would be expected that they would go about their business. That’s the whole point, because obviously they can’t stop, they’re busy. They can’t take the day off and take the kids out of school and stop soccer practice, the whole point of the show is going through these challenges while you’re running around for your day to day life,” Abatzis said.

The filming will take spring, with the show airing in the summer.

“The families will be taking part in what we are calling household challenges — just various challenges … that the entire family can get involved in. The winning family will receive a cash award,” Abatzis said.

The casting search, which closes at the end of February 2005, targets families from across the country with multiple children (ages ranging from toddlers to teenagers) that have been able to balance the pressures of the working world, household demands and numerous activities.

Families interested in applying for the reality series should go to www.nbc.com to review the entry application.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on January 13, 2005.

From the Single Files

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What did Vieja Valley’s Ashley Scatena learn on The Bachelor? The reality of life is preferable to TV.

A kindergarten teacher straight out of central casting, Vieja Valley School’s Ashley Scatena is sweet, petite and charming. So what was she doing starring on ABC’s comical catfight “reality show,” The Bachelor?

It wasn’t to meet the man of her dreams.

It wasn’t the money; the women aren’t paid to participate. They even have to supply their own clothes.

It wasn’t the potential stardom; unlike many bachelorettes, Scatena has no ambitions to become an actress or a model.

Scatena was simply motivated by the opportunity to get a behind-the-scenes look at a reality TV show. She said the whole process was fascinating.

“I can’t watch a show the same way again,” she said.

She was particularly struck by how long it took to film a single scene. For example, the rose ceremonies — during which the women find out if they’ve been chosen by the bachelor to go on to the next round — took about nine hours to film and resulted in only about nine minutes of airtime.

Last week’s rose ceremony was the last one for Scatena, since Byron the bachelor did not choose her to continue.

While Scatena felt badly about not staying on longer, she was hardly heartbroken. She said she knew right away that the Las Vegas fisherman wasn’t the man for her, but figured she might as well enjoy the experience.

With 25 women sharing three small bedrooms and two bathrooms, and completely cut off from the outside world — no phones, no Internet, no television, no books, no magazines — it’s no wonder they became close friends.

“We spent 23 hours a day talking and getting to know each other. It was just a great way to bond with women my age,” said the 31-year-old. “And I realized that we’ve all had the same dating experience all over the country.”

Scatena’s looking forward to November, when the women will film a “Girls Tell All” episode and give the inside scoop on their experiences on the show. Right now they are not supposed to be talking among themselves, to help keep up the suspense — as well as the secrecy — of the show.

As for the over-the-top drama of some of the women, Scatena said they were mostly just playing to the camera and giving the producers what they wanted.

But being dramatic was the last thing Scatena wanted. Ever aware of her role model status — especially among her previous students — she was very careful not to do anything she would regret.

“These kids are my biggest fans, and they don’t even care that I was on TV,” she said, as two little girls shyly presented her with some yellow leaves. “Yesterday I got a marble and a paper clip.”

It’s hard to be a diva in a class full of 5-year-olds.

“My students are my saving grace right now,” she said. “When everything else is crazy you can come in here and tie 10 pairs of shoes and blow someone’s nose and open their string cheese, and you forget all about The Bachelor.”

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on October 7, 2004.

Summerland lands on June 1

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Surf will be up in Summerland on June 1 on the WB Network’s new show, which shares a name with our fair burg. SummerlandThe show stars Lori Loughlin as 30-something fashion designer who inherits her sister’s three kids when their parents are killed in an accident. They live in a hip beach community, natch. But it’s the fictional community of Playa Linda, said Andrea Gruber, Publicity Manager for the WB Television Network. “Summerland is just the title of the show basically because it’s a summer series,” she said.

Gruber, who grew up in Montecito, predicts tourists will still trek to Summerland to try to spot Lori Loughlin and her ensemble of beach-worthy co-stars. When “Dawson’s Creek” was hot, the show was set in the fictional town called Capeside. There happens to be a real city of Dawson in the Yukon Northwest territories of Canada, and Gruber said they had oodles of tourists who were fans of the show, as did the coast of Massachusetts, where the fictional Capeside was supposed to reside.

Of course, “Dawson’s Creek” ran for years and built up quite a following. “Summerland” has a commitment from the network to run for 12 weeks, from June 1 until the end of August, on Tuesdays at 9 p.m. After that, the jury’s still out on the show.

Loughlin came up with the original concept for “Summerland.” The network then paired her up with Executive Producer Aaron Spelling, of “Love Boat,” “Charlie’s Angels,” “Melrose Place,” “Beverly Hills 90210,” “Dynasty,” and “7th Heaven” fame. Also involved with “Summerland” as executive producers are Remi Aubuchon, Stephen Tolkin and Spelling’s partner E. Duke Vincent.

Originally published in South Coast Beacon on May 13, 2o04.